main character syndrome

HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT? GOOD THINGS ARE COMING. fuck being sad. i'm going to gaslight myself into being happy. my sister got me this dress :) look at how happy i look

500g of chicken demolished just like that. the amount of protein i eat in a day is actually unreal. - anyway, i had my first counselling session today after a long break from therapy. turns out, i can run and hide and rant and write and do all the things i am doing, but none of that will ever fix all the parts of me that are truly broken. i realised that i am still lonely and disappointed, still have major commitment issues, am still waiting to be saved but won't let anyone do that, and i still don't feel like i belong anywhere. "home is a feeling that i've been chasing my entire life but i don't think i'll ever find it." that's what i said when the lady asked me if i felt like i was settled in Australia. it's true - when i was back home, all i wanted was to run away and have my own place. i have my own place and i still don't feel comfortable or safe. home really isn't home, and i worry that it never will be. the only times i have ever fel...

when you start listening to xxxtentacion, that's when you know you fucked up BAD. - all i do in a day is eat 120g of protein, sleep, workout, occasionally study / work, and post a lot of random bullshit. studying and working has been very difficult recently, because my focus has wavered and my desire to be perfect has paralysed me. i'm overwhelmed with the number of things that i have to do, so i've just stopped doing anything at all. but the good thing is that i have a little bit of time to still figure my shit out. i can actually, surprisingly, still turn it all around for myself, but it's going to come at a huge sacrifice. price to pay for allowing things to get this bad. it's a little unfair, however, that i'm having to pay for something that is / was genuinely outside of my control. okay, maybe not completely out of my control, but i could not have foreseen a lot of the things that did happen, since it was the actions of other people that really got me in t...

writing this at 06:00 - not because i didn't sleep the entire night, but because i woke up an hour ago. i've never been prouder. - one of my mum's biggest grievances with me is the fact that i always prioritise the things, and by extension, people who don't matter. texting me at 10:00? i'll reply almost immediately. 02:00? i'll still reply as soon as i see it. it doesn't matter if the message is urgent, or if you're not going to get back to me for the rest of your life. to me, everything (and everyone) else is more important than whatever i have going on myself. this has meant that while i have come across as "selfless" and "helpful", i've also overwhelmed myself and not taken care of myself the way i should. i've had to play catch up because i've often neglected myself for other things and other people. never learned how to prioritise. my mum would always ask me, had the roles been reversed, would they have come through f...

yes, i am going to be sad and write again. no, i cannot be stopped. - one of my oldest friends ever recently got into a relationship. i'm genuinely so happy for her. she deserves the world and more, and i'm glad that she's managed to find someone who's hellbent on going above and beyond for her. he's exactly like her. they're the same people. i don't know about soulmates, but if such a thing ever existed, i think they would be that. i hope it lasts forever. it was a little jarring when she first told me, because i guess i just assumed that her and i would do everything together. we've been each other's support when we've had horrible experiences, and i guess i thought that when good things happened, it would happen to both of us together, too? i don't know. in hindsight, that was rather naïve. i guess this is envy, then. and another way to validate the self-belief that i am never going to be worthy of love. :) sure, i've had my experience...

boredom is so funny. it's got me wanting to start shit with everyone because at least i'll have something to do. it's not like i don't have anything to do. i have a mountain's worth of work to catch up on, but i don't want to do it at all. i would very much like to go to the gym, but it's going to be very crowded at this time, so i'm waiting until it's like 8pm or something to go. i should've gone early in the morning, but cbbs. this is what my day looks like: - wake up - stare at self in the mirror - flex arms and think, "wow" - eat a shitton of protein (or try to) - listen to music and code - occasionally go gym if not too tired pretty standard. sometimes i'll have other commitments (work, meetings, seeing people, etc) which i'll go to, but there's not much else i do in a day. i'm starting to realise that i've managed to reclaim my time and energy. the reason i'm bored is because i have a lot of energy now. i d...

# i'm going to be really mad if i finish writing this before i get off hold with commbank. i saw this while scrolling through instagram - "my favourite conspiracy theory is that i'm not difficult to love. loving me will come easily to someone, someday." it's meant to be funny, and it was funny until it wasn't. and when you think of me, i hope that all of your memories are sweet. i think i'm mostly just bored. like really, really bored. discipline and order means there's less chaos and things are more controlled. there's no adrenaline, no dopamine being released. no instant gratification. everything i'm working on right now, i'm doing it because i'm trusting the process and hoping that in the end i will get to where i truly, desperately want to be. all i do is study, work, try and eat well, go to the gym, call my family and occasionally text my friends back. i look really good while i'm doing all of that but that's not the point....

Tuesday, 9 April 2024. 1.40 AM. I am trying to eat but I can't seem to swallow my food. Just the sight of it makes me want to throw up. It's almost like something's obstructing the pathway. I think that's grief. My heart's stuck in my throat. - I did not think I would be back writing this, or anything about this ever again. It's only been 9 days, and I guess I expected myself to have moved on by now. I am realising that was rather silly. I knew you for over half a year. 210 days, not including the days of Ramadan but definitely counting all the no contact periods. And boy were there a few. I miss you terribly so. It doesn't make sense for me to, because, as you would put it, "What's there to miss?" I haven't the slightest clue. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I miss someone for whom I no longer exist, and probably didn't even when I was literally there. Maybe a part of me had hoped that we would figure it out. At some po...

I am not sure if any of what I'm about to say will make sense to most people, but I gotta put it out there for my own sanity. - I am very drained, tired and fatigued all the time. I sleep 10-ish hours daily, but my sleep's so fragmented and spread out that I never feel well rested. I've constantly got a list of things to get through, whether that be in terms of work, studies or personal responsibilities that I have. I think I'm constantly tired because of the sort of energy I expend. That's terrible phrasing, by the way, so bear with me as I explain what I actually mean. The degrees I do are both in very male-dominated fields. I almost always work with other men - team members and managers and whatnot. The events I organise and / or attend - 80% of the room is full of men. I have to be my own man, so to speak, because I gotta do my shit on my own. Eldest in the family therefore I have taken on more of a parent role, but to uphold these responsibilities, you gotta ge...

# May or may not contain spoilers about the movie. If you're ever going to watch (which I really think you should), please don't read. :) I just watched Flora and Son on Apple TV. Brilliant movie. Starring Irish actress, Eve Hewson, whom I absolutely adore, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the movie follows an incredibly imperfect single mother trying to raise her troublesome teen son in Dublin, Ireland. She forgets his birthday, so she picks up a damaged guitar from a dumpster truck, gets it fixed to give it to him, but he rejects the gift. She decides to make use of it instead, and starts taking lessons from JGL. I love music and I love realistic movies that showcase human lives and relationships without dramatising them. We're all trying to survive and make it to the next day, everyday. Sometimes trying to find a bit of joy here and there. That's all we have in the end, anyway. This movie ends up combining elements of everything I love. Has some really adorable original mus...