main character syndrome

# This piece was originally titled, "2.30, baby, won't you meet me by the bean?" after a line from Chicago Freestyle by Drake and Giveon. // two pieces of writing in one day? who am i? i got diagnosed 4 months ago. well, technically in november, so i've known about being bipolar for quite some time now. i've been very open about it, or at least, used to be. not anymore, though. turns out people will use this against you. but that's a different conversation. anyway, if that happened so long ago, why do thoughts of my diagnosis, and the knowledge that i am stuck with this disorder for life, still continue to emotionally paralyse me to the point where i can't get out of bed anymore? messages that keep me alive. i love you, my friend. i tried to kill myself last week. again. i know, it's so funny. it's literally the same story with me every time. woe is me and whatnot. it wasn't the worst. nothing i can't take. i thought i'd do my makeup,

# This piece was originally called moonlight + die 4 me , after songs by dhruv and Halsey. i just think that i deserve a bit of peace, sanity and stability in my life. all that i ask for. will never happen. - i'm not a monster. i never was. i convinced myself that i was, and when times are bad, i'll convince myself that i'm the worst possible person to ever exist again, but the truth is that i'm a good person that just doesn't seem to be able to escape chaos. i'm not sure why the things that happen to me, happen to me. i'm just asking for a break. that's all i really need. from the chaos. from the uncertainty. from the highs and the lows. from myself. bhai, aar no faijjum ingreji te likhte. mone ja ashey ta e likhte thakbo. putki mara khak formatting, putki mara khak jogot. aar bokor bokor hoy na amar. i just want to fucking talk. gotokal ekta fever dream. ami ekhono thik process kore uthte pari nai the events that transpired. shokal bela makeup korlam,

আমার মতো করে, আর কে তোকে ভালবাসবে? the sky looked so beautiful, but you're seeing it with somebody else. কিছু কথা বাংলায় বললেই মনে হয় যেনো আত্মায় শান্তি পাচ্ছি। তাই আজ আবার কিছু কথা লিখবো। হয়তো কারো পছন্দ হবেনা, কিন্তু মনে হয়তো একটু শান্তি পাবো। তা ই আশা করি আজকাল। - চলে গিয়েছিলি বহুদূর তুই। মনকে মানিয়ে নিয়েছিলাম, কারণ এইটাইতো জীবন, তাই না? মাঝে মাঝে কিছু মানুষ আমার হয়েও আমার হয় না, আর আমাকে ছেঁড়ে চলে যায় যতদূর দুই নয়ন যায়। এইটাই আল্লাহ্‌র চাওয়া, তাই এইটাই হয়। হ্যাঁ, তখন অনেক কষ্ট পেয়েছিলাম, কারণ যেমন চেয়েছিলাম, তুই তেমনই ছিলি। পথের প্রতি পদে পদে তোর সাথে দেখা, তোর কথা মনে পরা, তোর আমাকে চাওয়া, আর আমার তোকে। সব কিছুই কি তবে একটা coincidence ছিল? আমাদের অনুভূতি গুলো, সবটাই কি আমার মনের ভুল ছিল? হয়তো। হয়তো আমি অনেক কিছু মনে মনে চিন্তা করে নিজেকে ভুল শান্তনা দিয়েছিলাম। হয়তো, হয়তো, হয়তো। তাহলে তা আমার ভুল ছিল। ঠিকাছে, মেনে নিলাম। মেনে সামনে এগিয়ে যাচ্ছিলাম। তোর সব স্মৃতি মিটিয়ে দিয়েছিলাম। হ্যাঁ, দেখা হতো ঠিক তোর সাথে, তবে প্রতিদিন তো কত মানুষের সাথেই দেখা হয়। তোকেও তাদের মত কেও মনে করে

i've made 3 trips to the airport so far. i was not the passenger any of those times. you'd think that because i do it so often, it would eventually get easier for me. that i would get used to it to the point where i could think almost rationally about the events unfolding around me. except, every time i do it, it feels like my emotions just get worse. i feel them coming at me at full force, stronger than the last time, to the point where i don't know how to fix them. this time, especially, i've been bawling my eyes out for the last 30 mins and it just does not want to stop. i can't recall the last time i cried like this. - i'm not a good daughter, not at all. a good daughter would never abandon her family and move millions of miles away; so far that it takes almost a day for people to even get to her. a good daughter would never let her life and work get in the way of family. a good daughter would never prioritise anything or anyone else above spending some time