main character syndrome

# Writing this in my Notes app because this is genuinely the shittiest in-flight wifi I have ever encountered in my life. It’s very difficult to focus on writing this on a very full flight when I have a child in front of me who’s playing peek-a-boo with me. She’s been staring at me since we all queued up to check in, and coincidentally, she also happens to have the seat in front of me. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that she was so enthralled by me, she moved with me as I moved to go through the security checks, even though her mum was holding her. I’m not sure what about me fascinates her so much, but it’s very nice to be looked at like that for a change. Pure awe motivating every decision. No ulterior motives. Speaking of coincidences, I’m sure it’s not that deep but something very stupid happened. I got on the flight and knocked out immediately because I had not slept in over 24 hours. I napped as much as is actually possible when you're sitting straight in a cramped

# Side note - this is the 100th piece that I started writing since I created this blog. Only 70 pieces are currently up, and I plan on taking some of those down at some point. I finished my last assignment for this term a couple hours ago. As always, I submitted it quite late (2 days and 9 hours, to be specific), but at the end of it, I was just glad to be done. This term has been nothing but chaos and trouble for me - not because of the content that I was learning, but more because of everything going on in my life. I started this term with 3 courses, and ended up dropping one of them after the census date. For those who aren't familiar, dropping a course after the census date means that you do not get a refund on your course fees. You foot a $6,000 bill because that's how much a course costs for international students. I did it regardless, because I know for a fact that I would've failed otherwise. It was hell leading up to it, but I thought that maybe it would get better

# someone else wrote about my feelings before i experienced them. this might help. man. i told my mum about you. i told god about you. i'd have conversations in my head about you. i'd sit on the prayer mat and rant for hours about you. fuck me, man. i really didn't deserve this one. - i hate that i keep writing about this. i hate that i keep feeling some type of way about this. i hate that i am so embarrassed for what are some very human emotions. i would never judge someone else for being in my shoes and feeling this way, yet i can't seem to extend the same sort of kindness and generosity to myself. why must i hold myself to such unrealistic standards when all it does is hurt me? if i turn myself away too, where am i meant to go? والله قلبي ماني ناسي هالايام - i struggle with processing my emotions a lot. my therapist likes to call it emotional dysregulation, whatever the fuck that means. it also doesn't help that i cycle through a billion and 1 emotions every 2 s

i have a playlist with just one song by Prateek Kuhad, called All I Need. the description of that playlist is a bunch of dates. it's funny because it's only after people are gone that you start feeling like there were so many more things that you could've said. i wanted to mention this playlist - it's significant to me because it is representative of my emotions. but the thing is, you want no part of that. bro, shit sucks for real. falling for someone is the worst thing that you could possibly do. my lord, i hope i never experience this ever again if it's not made to last. this was disgusting heartbreaking soul-crushing depressing - 0/10 experience. never, ever, ever again. i'm turning gay guys. goodbye.

there's a weird discomfort spread all over my body where i had expected to feel a heaviness in my chest. i don't feel incomplete or like something's missing. it's uncomfortable. i asked a friend what this means, and she said, in all caps, "PEACE." - i'm so used to chaos and pain and volatility that when things are calm and stable, i start losing my mind and getting scared. i'm on edge because good things don't happen to me. there's always something that goes wrong, and someone who tries to fuck things up for me. so i'm not very familiar with the concept of peace or serenity. stability is not something i've ever known, but i've always thought it would be nice to have that in my life maybe. i think it's like an asymptote that i'll chase forever, but will never be able to achieve. and that's okay. my life wouldn't be as interesting as it is if not for the occasional mayhem. ok, i'm being very vague. let's start

HEY. YOU KNOW WHAT? GOOD THINGS ARE COMING. fuck being sad. i'm going to gaslight myself into being happy. my sister got me this dress :) look at how happy i look

500g of chicken demolished just like that. the amount of protein i eat in a day is actually unreal. - anyway, i had my first counselling session today after a long break from therapy. turns out, i can run and hide and rant and write and do all the things i am doing, but none of that will ever fix all the parts of me that are truly broken. i realised that i am still lonely and disappointed, still have major commitment issues, am still waiting to be saved but won't let anyone do that, and i still don't feel like i belong anywhere. "home is a feeling that i've been chasing my entire life but i don't think i'll ever find it." that's what i said when the lady asked me if i felt like i was settled in Australia. it's true - when i was back home, all i wanted was to run away and have my own place. i have my own place and i still don't feel comfortable or safe. home really isn't home, and i worry that it never will be. the only times i have ever fel

when you start listening to xxxtentacion, that's when you know you fucked up BAD. - all i do in a day is eat 120g of protein, sleep, workout, occasionally study / work, and post a lot of random bullshit. studying and working has been very difficult recently, because my focus has wavered and my desire to be perfect has paralysed me. i'm overwhelmed with the number of things that i have to do, so i've just stopped doing anything at all. but the good thing is that i have a little bit of time to still figure my shit out. i can actually, surprisingly, still turn it all around for myself, but it's going to come at a huge sacrifice. price to pay for allowing things to get this bad. it's a little unfair, however, that i'm having to pay for something that is / was genuinely outside of my control. okay, maybe not completely out of my control, but i could not have foreseen a lot of the things that did happen, since it was the actions of other people that really got me in t

writing this at 06:00 - not because i didn't sleep the entire night, but because i woke up an hour ago. i've never been prouder. - one of my mum's biggest grievances with me is the fact that i always prioritise the things, and by extension, people who don't matter. texting me at 10:00? i'll reply almost immediately. 02:00? i'll still reply as soon as i see it. it doesn't matter if the message is urgent, or if you're not going to get back to me for the rest of your life. to me, everything (and everyone) else is more important than whatever i have going on myself. this has meant that while i have come across as "selfless" and "helpful", i've also overwhelmed myself and not taken care of myself the way i should. i've had to play catch up because i've often neglected myself for other things and other people. never learned how to prioritise. my mum would always ask me, had the roles been reversed, would they have come through f