main character syndrome

my writing tonight is a result of anxiety, jetlag, general insomnia, and perhaps a lot of desperation. i'm not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, given that i haven't posted a letter in almost a year. still, in my times of despair, writing has found me a way, so to it i shall return again tonight. i don't claim that my life is somehow more difficult than that of the average person; everyone's on their own journey and i am grateful for mine. - as an adult living through the times that is the 21st century, i too feel the inescapable pressure of needing to make it. my journey is complicated a little more when you realise that i am an immigrant, needing to carve out my own path from scratch if i want to survive the rat race. the pressure feels insurmountable, but i persevere. it feels personal, you know? i grew up in a conservative society, which many may label as "backdated" due to the views we hold as a people. i was very lucky and privileged to have been b...

turned 23 yesterday in a land that isn’t mine, yet might as well be like a second home to me given how much i used to visit when i was younger. my mum, dad, and i walked around the city of Bangkok on my 23rd birthday - them desperately searching for anything they could buy me as a gift, me wanting to go back to the hotel and relax. i don’t have 23 lessons to summarise my 23 years on this planet; i highly doubt i’ve actually properly learned some of the stuff life’s tried so hard to teach me, but i was laying in bed reflecting on my life and where i am now. i was video-calling my partner so we could do the wordle together. i can’t even remember what we were talking about when he perks up to wish me a happy birthday. “baby, it’s your birthday here in Australia! happy birthday, i love you so much.” mind you, there were still 3 hours to go before the clock struck 12 for me, but i’ve never seen someone (outside of my parents) be so excited that it was my birthday, even when it wasn’t act...

i feel quite unsettled anytime something even remotely good seems to happen to me. you can then only imagine how fidgety i have felt all day today, given how seemingly perfect it has been. i blame the new haircut. me looking for signs of trouble all day today /\ the man and i call this the captain cook pose the man and i slept rather late last night, because i was watching Acapulco (S4 out now!) and he was playing Stephen's Sausage Rolls (i hate that game because i can't figure it out). we had appointments this morning, starting off with his physio, then my optometrist, and we both decided we would get haircuts together. we woke up absolutely hating the fact that we went to bed at 4 (!!) last night (or this morning, i guess), and almost cancelled every plan we had. we somehow managed to drag ourselves out of the house, feeling groggy without our morning coffee, only last night's Wingboy supporting us. i went to get my eyes checked out, then we went to Specsavers so i could ...

# i really just wanted to write something. something about 10,000 hours and skill-building. i have my first exam on the 20th, and then the next on the 27th. after that, i'm fucking off to Japan with my beautiful boy for 2 weeks, separating on our way back as i fly to Bangkok and he comes back home, finally wrapping up what i expect to be a very exhausting trip on the 17th. - i have always lived my life in constant motion. well, "always" is lying, because i slowed down considerably after meeting my beautiful boy. he's helped me find balance and bring back order into my life, and organised my chaos so i don't get so overwhelmed and burned out so quickly. he's taught me to enjoy a cup of actual coffee; i used to eat the powder straight from jars before, now i'm a proud owner of an anko espresso machine. i've learned to enjoy the process of making breakfast as much as i enjoy eating it in the end. he's helped me find peace in the quiet, where before on...

the title has nothing to do with my beautiful boy. him and i are still going strong. fuck you. i am not going to pretend like i have not been deeply emotionally scarred by a situationship i had almost a year ago now. it is not something i try to keep secret at all; i've written about the relationship (or lack thereof) extensively and it is something that affects me even to this day. this person, who i will call POS for the rest of this essay, somewhat knows about the pain that he has caused me, but to this day, i do not think i have gotten an honest apology and an acknowledgement of the pain i have been put through, and that fucks with me a lot. it was a bad romance, and as chatgpt put it, i am mourning the version of myself that wanted so badly to be loved by POS. it never happened, and honestly, i am so glad it didn't. i would've never known better existed if i settled for POS. - my brilliant boy, who i will refer to as LOML for the rest of this essay, left to go back hom...

i got off a call with my boyfriend and then tried to cut myself. i don't understand why i hate myself so much. - it appears that i can't stop trying to kill myself no matter how hard i try. my head has been in a bad place recently, and i've been having a few health issues as well. i have been aggressively denying how depressed i am, but there was no point to it -- it managed to catch up with me anyway. my partner left to go stay with his family for a bit yesterday since his mum's leaving on a trip soon. this was planned, but i had an absolute fit over it for multiple reasons. one, i am currently home all by myself (my sister's overseas). i don't do well with being home by myself because i get very paranoid. i also spend my days just sleeping because of my depression. i will do anything but the task at hand. i struggle with executive dysfunction, so my house gets messier by the day and i do jackshit to address it. mine is an ingredients household, so if i don...

Does anyone even read this anymore? - The last time I wrote something, it was me talking about how much I love this beautiful boy of mine. No one ever told me how much falling in love with the right person would change my life for the better. I have had the most magical 5 months ever, spending all of these moments filled with laughter and joy and quiet and love with him, and now I’ve got to spend 3 weeks away from him because I need to fuck off to the States. How unfortunate. - I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve managed to fall even more in love than before. It’s like when you’re falling in your sleep, and it scares you because you don’t know if there’s anything at the bottom to cushion your fall. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I’m not so scared of what’s there at the bottom anymore. I just believe he will be there to catch me before I hit the ground. Faith, that’s a weird one. Never in my life did I ever imagine that I would surrender all control over to someone else, and allow them to...

I'm restarting writing this because I hated what I came up with originally. This one's for the love of my life. - If you know me, or have ever read a single thing that I've written over the past 2 years, then you would know that I have an extremely chaotic life. I'm constantly rushing to get from one thing to another. I never slow down to take things in, because I don't have the time nor do I think I deserve to pause. I am constantly trying to do more, be better, prove myself, and achieve something. I've done so many things in my life and managed to achieve so much, but all of those are nothing in comparison to what I'm building here with this man. This is what I'm most proud of. Us together is what I'm most proud of. The last time I sat down to write about love, I remember remarking how I was never going to find it even though I hoped I would. I talked about how this feeling keeps eluding me, and how I could write about it for years on end without e...

Trying not to kill myself gets more and more difficult every day. This is a weird thing to say after what has been a pretty nice week, but I guess this is what depression is like. Summary of my week - a horrible long weekend, but went to class the next day and somehow understood things despite not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. Complimented random people. Random people complimented me. Had some really lovely, small conversations with people I will probably never see ever again. Had an insane conversation with a group of people I was never expecting to have said conversation with. Realised my work friend is just like me. Got tickets to Travis Scott. Got new clothes. Got a very important interview. Had a really good time in general. But on the flip side, I've barely been eating 1 meal a day. I eat small items and call it a day because I have run out of food at home and grocery shopping is a chore. My room's starting to look like a mess again and all I have to d...