conversations with my husband
I'm restarting writing this because I hated what I came up with originally. This one's for the love of my life.
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If you know me, or have ever read a single thing that I've written over the past 2 years, then you would know that I have an extremely chaotic life. I'm constantly rushing to get from one thing to another. I never slow down to take things in, because I don't have the time nor do I think I deserve to pause. I am constantly trying to do more, be better, prove myself, and achieve something.
I've done so many things in my life and managed to achieve so much, but all of those are nothing in comparison to what I'm building here with this man. This is what I'm most proud of. Us together is what I'm most proud of.
The last time I sat down to write about love, I remember remarking how I was never going to find it even though I hoped I would. I talked about how this feeling keeps eluding me, and how I could write about it for years on end without ever knowing what it would be like. I said, and this is a direct quote, "...gold doesn't come out of my arse when I poop, yet I wish that I would cross paths with someone that would act like it does."
And then I did. I did end up meeting this person. Life is a bit crazy.
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My words fail me every time I try to sit down to write about this, and I'm not sure if it's because I lack the vocabulary / eloquence required to express my sentiments, or because there's no amount of words that I can write that would do whatever this is any justice. I'm going to try anyway, because he is my muse and I want to immortalise him in my art.
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Meeting him and falling in love didn't happen overnight. It was more of a gradual feeling that caught me off guard when I realised the full gravity of it. I'm still processing it in microdoses, because what do you mean this is my person to keep forever? What do you mean that I love and care for him so much that I'm willing to allow him to see me at my worst, at my most vulnerable, knowing full well that he could hurt me if he wanted to but choosing to believe that he won't anyway? What do you mean that he accepts every part of me, even the ones that I hate and loves them just the same?
The first time I ever told him that I loved him was by accident, because my subconscious knew what my mouth refused to say. I slipped up and wrote the words that I was only thinking of, and he was kind enough to let that slide and say that he won't count it to honour me.
I was the first person to say it again, anyway, and I really have no regrets.
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It was already on my mind a few days before I said it, but I had subscribed to these arbitrary numbers and timelines that other people had come up with. "You won't know until 3 months later!" "Don't be the first to tell them that you love them!" "You need to give it a while before you know whether you want to marry them!"
No, fuck you.
The first time I realised I loved him, it scared me. I was scared by the pace at which I was moving, because I've done this before and missed red flags. Happiness isn't meant for me, so why would I allow myself to be fooled by believing that this could even be a thing? I absolutely freaked out.
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this was 4 days before my original slip up
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I remember being so anxious because I was confused by the intensity of my own feelings, and I called him in the middle of the night saying that I was worried I was falling in love with him. This brother was ... happy? What is wrong with you. I am a MISTAKE. And you're telling me that you're falling in love with me too? Are you iNSANE?
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We were going to wait to say it until we saw each other in person and could be cute and shit because I wanted to dress up and whatnot. He stayed with me for some reason a couple days after this, and I was working on my assignment as he slept peacefully next to me. I "worked" on it through the night, staying up until 8 AM or something and watching the sun come up. Never before had a sunrise looked or felt better. He woke up from whatever sleep he got, checked in with me and as he was drifting back off to sleep, I told him I love him. Just blurted it out because it was becoming impossible to keep in.
I don't think I'll ever forget his eyes or the way he looked back at me and smiled when I said that to him. I was a nervous wreck working up the courage to say it, because I was overwhelmed with just how at peace I felt. Here was the love of my life sleeping next to me while I worked on something I was genuinely enjoying. Outside the sun was coming up and birds were chirping as a new dawn broke. There was a cool breeze and the lights weren't too bright. I was content. This is what our life could look like together. I don't think I could've picked a better time to tell him that I love him. I honestly have no regrets because it was an authentic moment. It was raw and vulnerable, and oh so perfect.
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I don't know how to describe my beautiful boy. I could tell you about how his eyes shine like a thousand stars when he gets excited about something, or how he has the softest voice I've ever heard. I could talk about how he has the strongest arms that hug me so tightly I'm almost worried he'll crush my bones, or how he has the prettiest face I love kissing and how he smiles because I've kissed him when he thinks I can't see him.
I could tell you all about that, but I want to tell you more about how he holds so much space for me to be my authentic self. I want to tell you more about how it is in his arms that I feel the safest, and that when he puts his hand around my waist or on my lower back, I immediately feel relaxed and protected. I could talk for hours about how he doesn't even have to say anything because I can feel his love for me in his actions and during silent moments.
He's consistent. He shows up for me every time even if it is 6 AM and he only went to bed at 2, or if he's dead tired from a concert that he's just come back from but we've barely spoken the entire day. Every time I am spiralling because I am freaking out over a hypothetical scenario I've created, he is patient with me and dispels all my fears by just... being himself? I don't know how he does it, but he just makes me forget whatever I was worried about. I can just shut down around him. I don't have to think.
He believes in me. He sees me. He understands me. He listens to me. He does small things for me, and takes care of me, and even though I complain about that all the time, I secretly really enjoy being taken care of and paid attention to. He babies me and gives me the space to be a version of myself I didn't think existed. He eases the burden I'm carrying and helps by sharing my responsibilities. He doesn't overstep boundaries or get in the way of my independence, but reassures me that he's always here if I need someone to count on. Whenever something happens, he's the first person I go to, and it always makes me so happy to find him there for me. I've found myself being able to relax and breathe again without worrying, because I know I have him to rely on at the end of the day.
He brightens my life. His sudden introduction hit me like a truck, because I didn't think I'd ever meet an angel like him in this lifetime. Seeing him and talking to him and hearing his voice and just spending time in his presence - all of this feels like being in heaven. I lose track of time when it's us, and I genuinely forget that the world isn't just the 2 of us, because I swear that's what it feels like. His presence is like rays of sunshine, and he brings me so much joy. He makes my life easier. He grounds me and stabilises me, while also letting me have the space to be my own person who just does her own thing.
And this is not even an overwhelming thing which causes me anxiety, or adrenaline that I'm addicted to. It's just a calming, deep feeling of love, respect and admiration for this person that I have the privilege to know and see every day. It's safe, secure, comfortable, and mine to keep for the rest of eternity.
I want to stay here and spend the rest of my days here with him. Who cares about all the other things I have done or will end up doing? He will forever be the only thing I've done right.
I was scared in the beginning, but not so much anymore.
This is what I want. He is what I want.
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