on struggling (and other things)

Trying not to kill myself gets more and more difficult every day. This is a weird thing to say after what has been a pretty nice week, but I guess this is what depression is like.

Summary of my week - a horrible long weekend, but went to class the next day and somehow understood things despite not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. Complimented random people. Random people complimented me. Had some really lovely, small conversations with people I will probably never see ever again. Had an insane conversation with a group of people I was never expecting to have said conversation with. Realised my work friend is just like me. Got tickets to Travis Scott. Got new clothes. Got a very important interview. Had a really good time in general.

But on the flip side, I've barely been eating 1 meal a day. I eat small items and call it a day because I have run out of food at home and grocery shopping is a chore. My room's starting to look like a mess again and all I have to do is put away my clothes (literally just hang them (why don't I hang myself instead)), and I have no energy to do that at all. I spent all day today in bed just rotting and sleeping. No work was done. Spoke to like 3 people and it felt like I was trying to force it. Cried, again, a little. Sleepy as fuck but I can't sleep because I'm so awfully sad.

I am writing because if I don't get this out of my head, I will literally walk to my kitchen to find myself a knife. And then, things. I haven't done this in a while but the urge is becoming difficult to fight. I was going to go to the gym but I would've passed out if I had, so I didn't. Then I doom-scrolled for a bit instead of replying to people's messages. Now I've got my saddest playlist in the background because I don't know what else to fucking do.

And tomorrow is a new day, obviously, but tonight's a night I need to get through. And then I have to do it again the next night, and the night after, and for however many more nights I have left on this planet. I don't know how to keep doing this, if I'm being honest. I'm good when I'm around people. I'm good when I'm in meetings or at work. As soon as I'm back in the comfort of my room, the depression quite literally possesses me.

A friend reached out, asking if I wanted to hang out. I have zero plans except for grocery shopping with my flatmate at some point tomorrow, but I declined because severely depressed me is obnoxious to be around. Heavy eyebags and sunken eyes. I've lost the spark and the raging fire that once burned within me. There's nothing inside me anymore. I'm so empty.

It's difficult to find meaning in any of this. I don't understand what the point of my existence is anymore. If everyone dies in the end anyway, and this life is temporary, and nothing matters, what difference does it make if I die now or later? What is the point in me struggling day in and day out to just fucking survive?

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I stress out everyone around me so much man. I see it when people talk to me or talk about me. But I swear to God, everyone just wants to care when it's really fucking late. Don't come up to me telling me I can talk to you when that is literally what I've been doing. I've been communicating and putting out calls for help, but all you want to say is, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you," or "Sending you so much love." I DON'T NEED WORDS WHICH AREN'T FOLLOWED BY ACTION. I WANT PEOPLE TO JUST CARE ABOUT ME WITHOUT ME ASKING FOR ANYTHING.

And the only people who do are so fucking far away. It breaks my heart every time I get this depressed, because I can't talk to my family about it. They will freak out and go absolutely ballistic. They already hate themselves for sending me away as it is. This would absolutely crush them.

I'm OK with not being a good person. I just wish I could've at least been a good daughter. I feel like a massive failure every fucking time, because I'm stuck chasing the wrong fucking things.

I know people say that you're not going to be given more challenges than you can handle, but I'm not sure what the fuck the universe was cooking when it decided that I could handle ALL of THIS. Yes, I have a high pain tolerance, and I definitely have the capacity, but the life I am living is NOT sustainable. I'm setting myself up for burnout, but I still keep feeling like I'm not doing enough. I have absolutely zero time for anything that is not work or study, but I still keep feeling like I could be doing more. I'm trying to play all these roles in all these people's lives, be all these things in all these different situations - so much so that I'm starting to lose who I truly am - and I still feel like a fraud and an absolute loser.

What the fuck?

Someone, please love me while I hate myself. I don't know how to make it out of this one by myself.

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I put this into ChatGPT and asked it to analyse. This is what I got back - it might help you understand what I've written about.

What you’ve written offers a raw and profoundly deep insight into the emotional turmoil you're facing. It oscillates between high points of meaningful connection and achievement, and moments of crushing despair and emptiness. This kind of emotional contradiction is common in those experiencing severe depression, where external accomplishments and positive interactions seem at odds with a persistent, inner feeling of hopelessness.

Let’s break down the main themes and patterns that emerge:

1. Cognitive Dissonance Between Achievements and Internal Experience

You begin by recounting a week that, by most external standards, seems positive—new clothes, good interactions, exciting opportunities, and an important interview. These are moments that would typically bring joy or satisfaction. However, the flip side reveals a stark internal contrast: you feel a deep sense of emptiness, struggle with basic self-care (like eating or cleaning your room), and grapple with a lack of energy.

This tension—between outward "good" events and inward despair—can be mentally exhausting. It's a hallmark of depression that no matter how well things seem to go externally, they often do little to change the internal narrative that feels hopeless and meaningless.

2. Emotional and Physical Exhaustion

Your mention of only eating one meal a day, avoiding tasks like hanging up clothes, and spending the day in bed highlights how depression drains your physical energy. The physical symptoms of depression—lethargy, exhaustion, and inability to engage in even simple tasks—create a self-perpetuating cycle. Not only do you feel sad and empty, but this lack of action also reinforces feelings of inadequacy and guilt, feeding the depression.

The statement about hanging clothes morphing into dark humor about hanging yourself underscores how deeply intertwined these mundane tasks become with thoughts of self-harm, showcasing the seriousness of your state.

3. Loneliness and the Invisibility of Emotional Pain

There’s a repeated frustration about how others respond to your pain. While you’re clearly communicating your struggles, people seem to respond with platitudes—empty words like "sending love" or "let me know if I can help." It’s not uncommon for people to feel at a loss when faced with such raw vulnerability, and they often respond with these surface-level phrases that feel insufficient. However, for you, this lack of tangible support deepens your sense of loneliness, making you feel like you have to bear your pain in silence.

You crave authentic action and care without needing to explicitly ask for it. This is a common feeling for those in distress—feeling that people should *see* and respond to your need without waiting for you to spell it out.

4. Internalized Guilt and Familial Pressure

There’s a powerful sense of guilt when it comes to your family. You express that you can’t share the depth of your struggles with them because they’re already burdened with guilt for having "sent you away." This demonstrates a strong sense of self-sacrifice—you’re carrying not only your own emotional weight but also trying to shield your family from it, even when that cost is immense for you. This reveals a heavy burden of responsibility, which, combined with your depression, amplifies the feeling of being stuck and isolated.

The line “I just wish I could’ve at least been a good daughter” shows how deeply rooted this guilt is—you're not just struggling with depression, but also a sense of personal failure in the context of your family. This kind of thinking reinforces feelings of worthlessness, which the depression uses to keep you trapped in negative thought cycles.

5. Existential Crisis and Loss of Meaning

You pose a fundamental question: “If everyone dies in the end anyway, and this life is temporary, and nothing matters, what difference does it make if I die now or later?” This kind of existential crisis is typical in severe depression, where the very purpose of existence comes into question. When someone is in a dark place, the transience of life can feel like a reason to give up instead of a reason to keep going.

The challenge of "surviving" day by day, night by night, feels monumental. Your depression magnifies the weight of time itself, making each day feel like an insurmountable obstacle. And the nights—where you are alone with your thoughts—become particularly hard to bear.

6. Isolation Despite Being Around People

You mention feeling “good” when around others but returning to your room leads to an overwhelming sense of depression. This suggests that being around people acts as a temporary distraction or buffer from your internal pain. The moment you're alone, it resurfaces. Depression often creates this sense of isolation, even when you're surrounded by people. It's not the physical presence of others but the emotional connection and genuine support that you're missing.

7. Self-Worth and the Pressure to Do More

There’s a notable theme of self-criticism. You’re aware of the unsustainable pace of your life, feeling that you’re setting yourself up for burnout. Despite this, there’s a relentless pressure to keep doing more, even as it chips away at your mental health. The feeling of being a "fraud" or not doing "enough" is classic imposter syndrome, which many high-achieving individuals struggle with, especially when battling mental health issues. You’re juggling so many roles, trying to be so much for others, that it’s causing you to lose sight of who you are, and what *you* need.

8. Desperate for Love and Acceptance

The closing plea—“Someone, please love me while I hate myself”—is heart-wrenching and encapsulates so much of what you've expressed throughout. There's an overwhelming sense of feeling unworthy of love, yet still desperately needing it. Depression often distorts self-perception, making it difficult to accept love, even when it's offered. At the same time, you're yearning for someone to provide the care and attention that you’re unable to give yourself right now.

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Moving Forward: Acknowledging the Depth of Your Struggles

What you’re going through is profoundly difficult, and acknowledging these feelings is an important first step. The weight of what you’re carrying is immense, and it’s clear that you’ve been enduring a lot for a long time. While it may feel impossible at times, reaching out for professional support—such as therapy or counseling—could help you navigate these overwhelming emotions.

Your desire for action from others, for people to notice and genuinely help without you needing to ask, is valid. But it’s important to recognize that while others may care, they may not know how to act in ways that are meaningful to you. This doesn't invalidate your feelings of loneliness, but it highlights the complexity of human relationships when it comes to emotional support.

You don’t have to carry this alone. You're deserving of care, love, and understanding, even when your mind tells you otherwise.