main character syndrome

It's 03.40. I've been lying wide awake in my bed for the last hour, contemplating my life and wondering where it all went so wrong. I promise I tried to be careful; I did what I thought I should've done and what was expected of me. The epitome of righteousness and maturity. I was adamant on constantly doing right by myself and the people in my life. Then, how the hell did I go oh so wrong? This is nothing new. I've felt this way for the last 5 years or so now, and I suspect I'll feel this way for 50 more. There has existed an insatiable need to feel fulfilled for as long as I have lived, and this void seems to grow bigger and deeper as more time passes. Every once so often, I thought I was close to saying goodbye to it, to finally having this need met and my thirst quenched. Now I know that that feeling has always been nothing but an illusion. Breadcrumbs, just enough hope to keep me going like a hamster on a wheel. Ironically, however, I've become more closed o

// i took down the link to my blog from my Instagram so that people could not find me unless I gave them a link to it, so the only place where this is linked is my Discord. somehow, there are people that are still reading this (and it is not me lol), and the question is - who are you and how are you finding this? i'm so curious. a little scared bc i'm very vulnerable on this and so if you know me personally, you know more than i wish to share w/ you. please comment on this post or email me at nuren146@gmail.com if you see this. i'd love to hear from you. now that i've gotten that out of the way. i started writing this on the 8th of September, but then life got in the way (quite gruesomely, i might add), and so i am trying to finish this 30 mins before my birthday. it's 23:26 (GMT +6), and i am sitting in a room at my grandparents' place. i came all the way from australia to turn 21 surrounded by the people i love the most in this world. i almost have that, excep