legal in every part of the world

// i took down the link to my blog from my Instagram so that people could not find me unless I gave them a link to it, so the only place where this is linked is my Discord. somehow, there are people that are still reading this (and it is not me lol), and the question is - who are you and how are you finding this? i'm so curious. a little scared bc i'm very vulnerable on this and so if you know me personally, you know more than i wish to share w/ you. please comment on this post or email me at nuren146@gmail.com if you see this. i'd love to hear from you.

now that i've gotten that out of the way.

i started writing this on the 8th of September, but then life got in the way (quite gruesomely, i might add), and so i am trying to finish this 30 mins before my birthday. it's 23:26 (GMT +6), and i am sitting in a room at my grandparents' place. i came all the way from australia to turn 21 surrounded by the people i love the most in this world. i almost have that, except my dad's not here with me tonight. it physically hurts me to be away from him right now, but i guess you can't have everything. what can i do?

we celebrated my grandfather's and my birthday together today. it was quite lovely, really, because him and i are 2 days and 50 years apart. he turned 71 yesterday, while i turn 21 tomorrow. it was a very special moment to have shared with him. this entire family raised me, so for them to be here with me today as i turn a milestone year really means so much.

i'm going to summarise the year of my being 20 to the best of my ability. it has been one of the worst, most chaotic years of my life, and there are so many things i wish hadn't happened but they did anyway. this was the year i got hurt the most, cried the most, and experienced more things than i should have. but such is the life, and i know i am a better person for it.

september, 2022 - i turn 20 surrounded by people i don't know. it is scary, weird, jarring, and i don't know what to expect. i spend a lot of my time lost and confused, trying to figure out how i will adjust to this new life of mine. start writing this blog as a way to deal with the depression that is creeping up.

october, 2022 - i honestly can't even remember what happened this month, except i am probably horribly depressed. i have a massive breakdown around this time, and start going to therapy. i am stressed and genuinely in one of the lowest points of my life. if not for my friend, i swear to fucking god i would not be alive today.

november, 2022 - this month is marked by my meeting (and then getting hurt by) that one boy. i will not go into details about this one, since i've written a lot about him and i don't want to give him any more space in my head. i don't know what got into me, because i surprisingly fell in love with him quicker than i was expecting to. perhaps that's what happens when you get lovebombed. absolute fucker, that.

december, 2022 - i come back to bangladesh for the holidays. depressed as fuck, crying over that man. tell my parents that i was mentally ill. most of my time is spent trying to recover emotionally. it is a difficult time, but nothing i couldn't go through.

january, 2023 - i meet someone new. it's weird, it's confusing, it's intriguing. i want to know more about them. i'm getting better emotionally as well, and starting to do better. i look better, i feel better. i leave for australia in a couple of days. i wish i hadn't wasted my time living in my head and allowing these negative feelings to get the better of me. i wish i could stay for a little longer. i love my family. i want to do better for them.

february, 2023 - uni starts. i'm a new person. i feel better, i look better. i'm stressed because i can't find a place to live in, but i'm learning to deal with it. i eventually luckily find a cutesy place 15 mins away from uni. i also go out with that person from january. it does not work. i am heartbroken. absolutely crushed. i also meet someone i build a nice connection with and become friends with. this is important.

march, 2023 - i find out i am bipolar. absolute mental breakdown, because i don't know how to come to terms with it. i am grappling with multiple emotions, the biggest of them being the knowledge of my diagnosis. it is a lifelong condition. what do i do? will i be okay? is life ever going to be the same again? around this time, i also have a horrible conversation with the person from january which leads us to separate, but i am determined to not let that affect me like that.

april, 2023 - my depression's getting the best of me. thoughts of the person keep up often, but i'm trying to move on. something tells me that that's not the last time i'll see them, but it doesn't stop me from hurting. i start taking care of myself more. i might not be feeling the greatest, but that does not mean that i can't look brilliant. i keep going. my travel plans also change and i can no longer fly in may. i postpone my trip to august.

may, 2023 - horrible exams. i don't know what happened to me but i barely studied and my exams went horribly. i managed to get a credit in all my courses, but i know i could've done better had i put in a little more effort. it's okay, i tell myself. i went through some very challenging moments and i did what i could. i tried my best, i really did. i sign myself up for multiple things and over-commit. i will not know until next month.

june, 2023 - i think i am entering a manic phase. i'm doing multiple things at once, and while i know i am definitely setting myself up for failure by overcommitting, i feel invincible. i keep doing and i keep going. i have met some brilliant people over this time that i have befriended. i feel like i'm in a more stable place than i used to be.

july, 2023 - my mum and my sister come in to visit me, and then they leave. breaks my heart because i'm suddenly all alone again, but i'm strong as fuck. no other way i survive this long without my family here if i wasn't. there's this cute boy that's started following me on Instagram (this is important), but i don't think too much of it. the boy from january also comes back. he apologises. we give this friendship thing a shot.

august, 2023 - i have an awful fight with my friend from february and i drop him. he says some horrendous stuff about me which i still think about, but it is what it is. the person from january and i are now proper friends. he's being better and he's being supportive. things are slowly starting to look up. i make a move on the cute boy and we start talking. he's lovely and i adore him. i'm back home, and i'm starting to do better again. life is good. i fail my first course ever, but it doesn't faze me. my failing does not mean that i'm not smart, because i am. i just had a bit of a tough time again.

and today we are here. just a couple of minutes away from turning 21. i don't know. life feels good. i don't know what it is but this feels like a real turning point in my life. there's just a bit too much happening for me to not read into it at all. i usually see my birthdays as a new beginning for myself. a chance to restart and get better. i am nowhere near where i want to be, yet, but i just know that being 21 is going to be one of the greatest years of my life so far. this year is going to be full of blessings, and happiness. we cried all the tears we had left, and we are leaving all of that in 20.

so here's to turning 21. may you be everything that i hoped for.

// i've definitely got more to say about that boy from july, but i need a separate post for that one. anyway, happy birthday to me.