healing

# I titled this after one of Drake's songs. Obviously.

Life has been very weird lately. I can't remember the last time I've been at peace like this. I withdrew socially from everyone, explicitly stating that I was going to be doing that. Went away for what felt like forever but was probably just a couple weeks, realistically. Reconnected with my roots in the meantime, and spent more time with my family. Involved myself even more in Bangladeshi politics and "political" conversations. Lost and found my values. Tried to be honest with myself. Tried to do right by myself by not giving in to temptations. Hit the gym more consistently. Ate at home more often. Slept more. Didn't study as much as I should have, but I pulled through in the end somehow. I do have one more exam to take, and I'm hoping that I'll be okay with that, too. I kind of need to be - a lot is riding on my doing well in that.

Skin's been clearing up and glowing. Body's been bodying. Mind has been more stable than usual. I must have been doing something right.

I feel like I conducted an experiment on isolation and found out that it's one of the greatest things I could have done for myself. I pushed everyone away during that period, except for the ones that I was connected to by blood. I devoted my time and energy to the things and relationships that truly mattered to me. Then I came back and got extremely particular about which relationships to pursue again. No more draining myself, or giving too much of myself away. No tolerance for bullshit anymore.

Temptations crept up still. Absolutely consumed by thoughts of people that I no longer have a connection with, and boy are there quite a few people like that. One particular person that I kept running into / having off-putting interactions with. I wanted to read more into it, but I've learned from past experiences that taking things at face value and not attaching meaning to them is more beneficial for me in the long run. I wanted to reach out too, if only to confront them and ask what the hell they want. Probably just the attention, if I'm being honest. It's always the attention that these parasites seek.

If you're reading this and wondering if it is you I called a parasite, yes, I did. Absolutely unhinged and insane behaviour on your part. Even I wouldn't do things like that, and you said I was the crazy one.

Every time I was driven insane by this desire to find answers, I just hit the gym. No joke, I'd just get dressed and get out. Halfway through the walk, I'd have calmed down and cleared my mind, but it'd be too late to turn around and since I was already out, might as well just go train...? That's how the consistency came to be. I've made it a habit to go to the gym at least twice a week, which I think has been going pretty well. The results have been impressive.

hello :)

I think, in a way, I have grown during my period of "self-discovery." I put that in quotes because it sounds pretentious even if it is quite true. One of my biggest complaints this entire year has been how I know too many people. I had both quality and quantity, but I am not built for such closeness. I didn't like how many people had access to me. It felt like a lot of them were constantly trying to save me. I don't want to be saved. I want to figure this out on my own. I don't like being pitied like that. It feels so patronising and suffocating.

It felt like I had an obligation to all of these people. Everyone had a claim on my time, and I felt like I owed them something. I struggled with saying no, because these are lovely people who just wanted to spend time with me. At the end of the day, I found myself tired and drained. No time for myself, but an expectation to wake up and do all of that again the next day, anyway.

Everyone meant well, obviously, and I have so much love and respect for them. I am thinking of exactly 3 people right now as I write this, and I'm not sure if they're ever going to read it, but I truly do appreciate all of their efforts so much. I just don't have it in me to keep our relationships going at that depth anymore.

That shouldn't be surprising at all, considering that I withdrew completely just over a month ago. My unavailabilities and slight unwillingness to engage like before should have also pointed in that general direction. Nothing to do with any of them - it's just how my relationships usually go. This extends to every person whose life I completely disappeared from. Incredibly selfish, but I might have just grown out of these relationships. I don't find them to be fulfilling or aligned with the person that I want to be. In some cases, they were too deep and I am not comfortable with anyone knowing me like that.

pictures on my wall / no sentiment at all

I used to want answers before. Anytime something happened, the first question I'd ask was, "Why?" I still find myself falling for that, but I've learned that it's just a trap. Closure is and will always be a scam. You think you're getting answers, but people who don't want to give you answers will find a way to say a lot by saying nothing at all. Empty words. And then you have more questions, and now you're trapped in a vicious cycle.

I don't seek answers actively anymore. If someone wants to explain their behaviour, I'll listen to their explanation, but if they don't want to offer it, I'm fine with that, too. I just chalk it up to it being a quirk of theirs, and a reflection of the person that they are, instead of it having to do anything with me.

Unless you're actively keeping tabs on me, which a nontrivial number of people surprisingly are. In that case, it has everything to do with me. Curse of being extremely perfect and irresistible.

I have better things to do than worry about why someone was an asshole to me a month ago. I have better things to do than worry about why I was ghosted 3 months ago. I have better things to do than worry about why they're acting like we're best friends when they were the ones that cut me off.

Product of my environment. Immersed myself in solitude, and discovered all the things I am capable of (including the trip I am off to soon 😉). I am unwilling to let anyone disrupt my peace now. Yes, I will think about these people from my past every now and then, but they're from my past. They chose that for themselves. Who am I to not honour their sacrifice?

Yes, it is a sacrifice. Not having me in your life is a sacrifice. 👍

Good luck. I still root for all of you.

And for some of you, goddamn, good riddance.