22

I obviously haven't had much time to write recently, with life events getting in the way. But I'm turning 22 in just over an hour, so I thought I'd sit down and continue this tradition of reflecting on my year.

I skipped training for this one, so you know it's important.

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I can't remember the last time I hated a birthday as much as this one. There's not a single thing to look forward to. Things keep being added to my plate as I get older, and it doesn't get easier. I don't have the excuse of being young to hide behind anymore. If I fuck up, that could be disastrous for a lot of people and not just me. I have to be responsible now. I don't have the option to run away.

The amount of dread has been growing as the date approaches. I was initially very excited, so much so that I wanted to spend another week in Germany (more on that soon) as a way to treat myself. That turned out to be not so feasible for a myriad of reasons, but I wanted to celebrate with my friends after returning. Started planning too for a little gathering on a Sunday, but just the day after, I felt so undeserving of being celebrated that I cancelled everything. Said I was busy, which I am, but I could've made time for it if I wanted to. I didn't want to waste anyone's time by getting them all to gather at a place just so I could have... fun? And feel validated? Ew.

What a horrible start.

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There's not much that I can say about being 21 that I haven't already. I have spent 365 more days on this planet, yet I don't feel like I've gotten any wiser. If anything, I seem to constantly be repeating the same mistakes, over and over and over again. You would think that at some point I'd at least tire myself out, but it's been disappointing.

21 was a lot for me emotionally. I went back to therapy and was told that I need to be seeing someone regularly because unfortunately for me, I can't be fixed in 3 sessions (wow who would've thought). I cried a lot over the year, and became more comfortable with crying. I let my friends be there for me instead of bottling things up, which was a very daunting task but worth the effort in the end.

I met great people over the year, with a lot of them now being some of the closest friends I have. Challenged myself repeatedly to do things that made me uncomfortable. Got better at confrontation. Put me first more often. Showed up on days when I didn't want to. Was surprisingly relatively more consistent, especially with writing and going to the gym.

Have I grown? I'm not sure, if I'm being honest. I feel like I've gotten progressively worse as a person. The way I act a lot of the time is rather unacceptable. I should allow myself a little grace though, because I'm not like that with everyone and I definitely have good reasons to be acting the way I do.

I have gotten better at getting my shit together, though. I am almost always all over the place, but when I need to get it together, I can get it together. I am good at being good when it matters. Maybe there is order in my chaos, even if I don't see it right now.

What else can I say about being 21? It was a well-documented year. I lost people that I thought I'd keep for a little longer. A few were intentional, a few were decisions made in a moment, and others I think we were building up to it. I miss a lot of these people almost every day, but there's nothing to be done about it now. If it was meant to last, it would've still been here. I can't be the only person putting in the effort.

Still, there was a net gain in terms of relationships. The people I've met, and the rest who have stuck by my side - have been a source of colour and happiness in my life. I could only process and move on from most of the things that happened to me because I knew I had my people to rely on, no matter how close or far away they were. On days when it got hard and I didn't know what to do with myself, someone's stupid joke made things a little less bleak. On days when I wanted to finally end it, someone else gave me a reason to stay.

And of course, my family. My number 1 reason for doing anything and everything. Even attempting to put into words their contributions is a futile endeavour, for I could fill all the pages around the world and still not be done thanking them. I miss them all, especially my parents, just a little more today, but this is the life we all chose for ourselves so this is the one we all must live. It's harder on them than it is on me, but they do it for me anyway. How could I not be grateful?

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I've acknowledged everyone and everything except for the one person who came in clutch every time.

Me, obviously.

It's not easy being me and living the life that I do, but I do it anyway.

It's not easy being all these different things to all these different people, but I show up anyway.

It's not easy carrying the weight of all these expectations, but I figure it out anyway.

It's not easy to keep trusting and moving forward, but I find my way anyway.

Mostly, though, it's not at all easy to keep falling apart and having to pick up myself over and over again, but I rebuild myself and come back stronger every time anyway. This, I think, will forever be my strongest trait. You can take from me everything I have, and I can promise you that I'll come back 10 times better because that is who I am. That is who I have always been, and that is who I will continue to be.

So many moments this year when I reached what I thought was my breaking point, and then I redefined it. I pushed myself to what I thought was my limit, and then I went further. I wanted to give up and quit, and then I kept going.

I've learned that I just need to complain, really. I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for, and so even though I cry my eyes out and talk about how I've had just enough of this shit, I actually am just starting to scratch the surface of all the things I can do. I just need to rant about it first.

I think I am starting to like me. All versions of me, some more than others. The depressed one, the messy one, the excited one, the composed one, the confused one, the dejected one - all of them are worth commending, because their collective efforts come together to make this person that I can be so proud of.

And I am. I am very proud of me. Rather grateful, too. I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

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Excited for everything that is to come my way, good or bad. Evidence shows that I can handle them all.

No expectations from 22. Just hoping to be 1% better every day.

Happy birthday to the love of my life. :)

Me. I'm the love of my own life.