on being alone (and other things) (act II)

i got off a call with my boyfriend and then tried to cut myself. i don't understand why i hate myself so much.

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it appears that i can't stop trying to kill myself no matter how hard i try. my head has been in a bad place recently, and i've been having a few health issues as well. i have been aggressively denying how depressed i am, but there was no point to it -- it managed to catch up with me anyway.

my partner left to go stay with his family for a bit yesterday since his mum's leaving on a trip soon. this was planned, but i had an absolute fit over it for multiple reasons. one, i am currently home all by myself (my sister's overseas). i don't do well with being home by myself because i get very paranoid. i also spend my days just sleeping because of my depression. i will do anything but the task at hand. i struggle with executive dysfunction, so my house gets messier by the day and i do jackshit to address it. mine is an ingredients household, so if i don't cook, i can't eat anything. i can't cook when i'm depressed like this and starve myself often.

two, i got my period 2 days ago. i cramp a bit on day 2 of my period which often carries on to day 3, and it can be quite painful. i am constantly disgusted by myself because i feel so gross. i can't move because i am lazy and fatigued. i want to do things and achieve things, but even going to the bathroom is such a difficult task that i often just lay in bed and do absolutely nothing.

three, i wished he would invite me to go with him. i texted his mum to apologise since he had to change his plans last minute because of me. he didn't want me to go since he wanted to spend time with them one on one, and he may have wrongly assumed how they felt about having people around now. she replied to my message wishing me well (as i am sick), and 5 mins later texted me again to tell me that i could always go back with my partner whenever as they would be so happy to have me around. i didn't have it in me to tell her how much i wanted to go but was asked not to, because he should be able to go by himself to see his family without me having a reaction.

we fought for unrelated reasons, but the argument got bigger and bigger until we both lost the plot completely. he tried to keep resolving it, and i would like to believe i did, too, but sometimes i get in my head too much to realise that people love me and do everything i can to prove to myself that they don't. i'm starting to worry that i'm closer to my objective than ever before.

he told me that he loves me, and i said that he was lying.

then he said that he hopes i stay safe (before he tried to leave). to that i replied that i was going to kill myself. big fuck up, i know.

i realised what i said once the words came out, and regretted them immediately. i was being a manipulative piece of shit. i honestly don't even know where it came from. i think i just wanted to say something that would get a reaction out of him because i was so angry. i did get a reaction -- he wasn't leaving anymore. he sat in front of me feeling absolutely awful -- would hate himself if he left because he knew he was leaving me in a state, would hate himself if he stayed because he wouldn't see his mum until August in that case. i put him in that position, and i hated myself for that.

we talked a little more like reasonable adults. i told him i didn't mean it, because i wouldn't kill myself (mostly true). he asked me to promise that i would not hurt myself. i failed to make that promise.

i love this man. it is true that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i dream of getting married to him and moving to a nice quaint place, just us and maybe a family one day. dinner parties where i cook for friends and family. careers that we both love. coming home after a long day and being able to cuddle up on our couch and watch season 24 of the bear or something. dance and laugh and sing and coexist.

then why am i so hellbent on blowing everything up?

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he left this afternoon in a rush because we both lost track of time watching succession and forgot that he had to actually leave. i told him that i would block his number if he called or texted me, so he sent me little messages on life360 to make sure i was still alive and well (and to let me know that he was thinking of me). i want him to be able to enjoy this time with his family without having to worry about me. i ruin everything i touch, anyway.

i sent him emails, so we have an email thread open at the moment on one of my accounts. i have felt off the entire day, and have spent a while sleeping. i FaceTimed him to just speak nonsense, but that felt off too. i'm not sure why, but i was being a bit weird and almost bitch-y even when calling. he asked me why i was having an attitude which we both played off as a joke. he was already sleepy when i called, but stayed up a bit to talk to me. i asked if he was tired, and i think his response is what triggered a lot of weird feelings in me.

i think i felt like i was trying really hard to exercise self-control by banning myself from talking to him so i could give him the space he needs. i broke my own rule by calling, but he's my partner. of course i want to talk to him. i felt like i was trying to keep a lot of my own feelings at bay to give off the impression that all was good here so he wouldn't worry. no food and little water since he left. kitchen's a mess that i need to clean. bedroom's a mess with clothes piled on my chair and no sheets on my bed (i took them off to replace them). so much work that has piled up that i just can't bring myself to do.

and i really only just wanted a bit of his time to talk, and i couldn't have that without worrying that i was draining him. that open the can of worms, and i quickly hung up so as to not stress him too much. he knew something was up, but what can he even do from all this distance? he can't save me. it isn't his responsibility to, either.

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i thought about so many things when i held the knife against my skin. i thought about the promise i made to him this morning. how i said that i loved him too much to not try to change (stop harming myself). i thought about my family back home who have no idea what it is like to be me. i thought about how incompetent i am and how i am going to crash and burn. and how if i died right now, absolutely no one would know.

then i pulled the knife and broke my skin. it never hurts as much as it hurts inside me, if i'm being honest. i thought i could save myself, but perhaps i am beyond saving.