what would you do?

i feel quite unsettled anytime something even remotely good seems to happen to me. you can then only imagine how fidgety i have felt all day today, given how seemingly perfect it has been. i blame the new haircut.

me looking for signs of trouble all day today /\ the man and i call this the captain cook pose

the man and i slept rather late last night, because i was watching Acapulco (S4 out now!) and he was playing Stephen's Sausage Rolls (i hate that game because i can't figure it out). we had appointments this morning, starting off with his physio, then my optometrist, and we both decided we would get haircuts together.

we woke up absolutely hating the fact that we went to bed at 4 (!!) last night (or this morning, i guess), and almost cancelled every plan we had. we somehow managed to drag ourselves out of the house, feeling groggy without our morning coffee, only last night's Wingboy supporting us. i went to get my eyes checked out, then we went to Specsavers so i could pick out a new frame. after a long time spent deliberating, we decided to get some brunch from a new place we've never been to.

#1 good thing - we had really good food. and lovely conversations with each other and my parents.

heading back to Specsavers, i tried to decide between 2 nerd looks, settling for a Ted Baker frame that made me look like an academic (my dad's words). because i was going to be waiting for a bit to process the payment, mr man headed off to get himself a haircut and left me with a mullet-having very obviously Australian customer service representative. i was shitting my pants, because for all my pizzazz and charm, i actually suck at making small talk despite my jobs.

#2 - the payment process took longer than it should've (and i mean quite long, because the guy would pause his work to respond), but i had such a lovely conversation getting to know this representative and finding out more about his life. i enjoyed the opportunity to pause and learn more about someone i will probably never see again. i know how old he is and what he studies and where, but i never got his name. such is the life.

moved on to get a haircut at a little salon. i called my mum while i was waiting and we were talking about whatever. then Robert, my hairdresser, called out for me and off i went to get my hair washed, cut, and blow-dried.

#3 - both the stylists (Robert and this lady from Darjeeling) couldn't stop talking about how beautiful my hair is and how i had been taking care of it so well. i've gotten those compliments before on my hair, but they still shock me because i can't seem to see it.

#4 - absolutely stunning haircut. i knew i wanted to go short, but didn't know what would suit me. Robert did an incredible job.

i walked over to the place the silly little burrito was getting his hair cut, found him (the biggest smile on his face as he saw me walk in; he's so adorable), and we walked out once he was done.

#5 - his hair looks so good too. that barber saw me and decided to level up his game.

we walked to an El Jannah nearby (incredible chicken and toum and bread and chips) to get a bag of bread, since we already had a whole chicken at home. they ran out of full bags of bread, which are usually 8 pieces in a bag.

#6 - the girl gave us 3 (!!) half bags of bread for the price of 1. that's $1.50 for 6 pieces.

#7 - i asked if they were hiring, and she said that i could give her my resume and she could talk to her manager. i said that it was more for my sister, and she literally gave me her number and said that she could probably just send it over to her manager, who, according to her, basically hires everyone.

at this point, i'm shell shocked, because we've been trying to get my sister hired for a while now. the job market is truly fucked, and so when this absolute stranger offered to act as a referee for someone she has never met nor heard of, obviously it was a lot to take in.

we walked over to the bus stop, missing our bus since the man didn't want to run. i was a bit annoyed by it, but the next bus was in 10 minutes, so it was OK. we stood there, waiting.

#8 - a lady, who could have potentially been homeless, approached us and stood there, intently staring at us for a full minute. then she proceeded to tell us what a beautiful couple we make, stood there for a bit, then walked away. i was fully preparing myself for a racist remark, or some sort of insanity (she proceeded to yell randomly at something after she walked away), but it never came.

we walked to another bus stop, forever waiting for our bus to arrive (always late btw). the silly little goober couldn't find his Opal card for a bit, but managed to finally get on the bus and we waited to get home. however, the bus didn't take a left where it should have and kept going down the road to the stops at UNSW's gates.

#9 - we were not on the right bus. we were going to get off at gate 8, then i realised that gate 2 was the next stop and we stayed on. the beautiful boy is a big fan of bubble tea, so we got some really good Sharetea. took the LR back home.

#10 - i texted the girl when we got home, and she said that she's going to follow up with her manager to let me know if my sister can start as early as tomorrow.

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spent a bit setting up the story, but surely you can see why it feels so surreal. i am used to bad things happening; when things go wrong is when i feel settled. it absolutely fucking sucks, obviously, but it makes sense to me.

but i've had a virtually good day today. nothing that threw me off track or made me particularly upset. now i'm anxious and trying to figure out why that is the case. does this mean i'm going to fail the exam i've been so on edge about? one of my flights getting cancelled, plane crashing? my brain can't quite process this.

good things don't happen to people like me, even when they do. almost always i lose something important in order to gain something. it's always transactional. i can't just have something, unfortunately. there's always a price attached to these - i just don't know the cost of these events yet.

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not too sure why i'm having such a hard time wrapping my head around having a relatively normal and stable day. it makes sense that i am actually a decent, interesting person, who comes across as quite likeable and approachable. i don't have to be particularly remarkable, but maybe that's what people want. just an average person that is nice to have a conversation with. maybe i do touch people's lives. maybe they go home and tell their friends and families and partners about the slightly weird, mostly normal person they had an extended conversation with, and all the things they learned and felt and experienced.

maybe it actually isn't that deep. maybe i am just a character in other people's stories as well, the way they are in mine? i wouldn't have thought about it so much had the roles been reversed, i don't think.

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it feels that i am almost falling for the same trap as people i used to know (note the past tense -- there is a reason for that). good things do happen to me, and they happen because they are small, real-life joys that i allow myself to experience. i show up fully and engage, and maybe i make the other person feel special too. there is a lot to be said about perspective and framing here, but that is a conversation for another day.

not my best work, but allow it.