23&me

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turned 23 yesterday in a land that isn’t mine, yet might as well be like a second home to me given how much i used to visit when i was younger. my mum, dad, and i walked around the city of Bangkok on my 23rd birthday - them desperately searching for anything they could buy me as a gift, me wanting to go back to the hotel and relax.

i don’t have 23 lessons to summarise my 23 years on this planet; i highly doubt i’ve actually properly learned some of the stuff life’s tried so hard to teach me, but i was laying in bed reflecting on my life and where i am now.



i was video-calling my partner so we could do the wordle together. i can’t even remember what we were talking about when he perks up to wish me a happy birthday. “baby, it’s your birthday here in Australia! happy birthday, i love you so much.” mind you, there were still 3 hours to go before the clock struck 12 for me, but i’ve never seen someone (outside of my parents) be so excited that it was my birthday, even when it wasn’t actually my birthday.


there was a steady stream of messages the entire day (for around 30 hours actually, different time zones), from a lot of people wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how much they love me. it was a nice reminder that i was surrounded by so much love and warmth even though we had all these miles between each other. it was a good day and i felt really happy and grateful to be alive. i will take that as a sign of my frontal lobe developing.


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i have dreaded my birthdays for the longest time, because i was mad that more people didn’t care to remember it on their own or post me on their stories or throw me a party or whatever. this is the stuff i saw everyone around me get on their birthday back in high school, because people around me forgot about me often. insert something about trauma or whatever here.


then yesterday happened and i was so happy the entire time. wow! i am with my parents who love me so much! my sister who is in a whole different country has asked her very specific way of wishing me a happy birthday be enacted and she be video-called! my partner doing everything he can to make me feel special even though he’s also in a different country! my friends reaching out and calling me to check in and showering me with so much love!


and that got me thinking - maybe i am finally where i have wanted to be for the longest time. i am loved and cared for and cherished. my existence means something to other people, and there are people for me to count on. if i reached out, at least 5 people (not even counting family) would show up for me right now. i am no longer made to worry if i am too weird or too much or anything like that. i am accepted and celebrated for who i am, by people who i mean something to, the way they mean something to me.


turns out, it was never really about the number of posts or who remembered. what mattered was how they showed up, and if they even did. i had wished and prayed for a community for me, and by the age of 23, i have managed to build it and am the richest person alive.


young me would be so happy to see where i am now. i wish i could hold that version of me, whose birthday everyone forgot, and tell her that it gets better eventually. i can’t, but i hope that somehow she knew this to be true.


happy birthday to me. may this be the life i continue to know. more love, gym, and happiness this year.


what a life.


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