for my beautiful boy

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Does anyone even read this anymore?

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The last time I wrote something, it was me talking about how much I love this beautiful boy of mine. No one ever told me how much falling in love with the right person would change my life for the better. I have had the most magical 5 months ever, spending all of these moments filled with laughter and joy and quiet and love with him, and now I’ve got to spend 3 weeks away from him because I need to fuck off to the States.

How unfortunate.

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I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve managed to fall even more in love than before. It’s like when you’re falling in your sleep, and it scares you because you don’t know if there’s anything at the bottom to cushion your fall. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I’m not so scared of what’s there at the bottom anymore. I just believe he will be there to catch me before I hit the ground.

Faith, that’s a weird one. Never in my life did I ever imagine that I would surrender all control over to someone else, and allow them to take me wherever they so wanted to. Never did I ever imagine I’d be the type to hand my heart over to someone on a silver platter and trust that they’re not going to drop it. Never did I ever actually imagine that I’d trust another person to keep me safe and take care of me in all the right ways for the rest of my life.

But God, am I glad that I took this leap of faith with him. Life’s so much better because he’s in it.

I keep thinking about the first few times we were seeing each other. The “will they, won’t they” of it all. I remember when we started talking, and I thought, “He’s nice and all, but this will just fizzle out.” Then we met up, and I thought, “He’s cute and everything, but he probably doesn’t like me.” Then he stayed over, and I thought, “He’s caring and this and that, but he’ll probably just lose interest.”

It’s been 6 months since. How is he still here? Matter of fact, why is he in my house? What do you mean I just get to sleep next to him and wake up to him every day?

Crazy how life changes. 6 months ago, I stared at my phone and weighed the pros and cons of getting myself into something with a man again. The list of cons (mostly my fears) were so long, and all the pros hinged on this actually being a real thing. All I had to do was take a leap of faith and risk myself.

Then I did, and ended up with the love of my life.

I know he’s the love of my life because he just knows. Everything. When I’m angry, when I’m upset, when I’m thirsty, when I’m hungry, when I’m sleepy. He knows EVERYTHING. We’re so in sync, we just say the exact same things every time. A single shared brain cell.

He knows exactly how to take care of me, something that eludes me too. He does things for me without me even having to ask. He anticipates my needs before I even realise it’s a need. He loves me and holds me in all the right ways, and just lets me be. No demands for me to be a certain way. I can just exist in his presence and be as autistic as I want to be. I can just snuggle against his chest and he’ll hold me so that it doesn’t get too loud in my head. He puts me first, every time, and it’s genuinely such a surreal feeling. I don’t know what to do with it.

And I know I love him, because I’ve never felt more joy in my life than in all the moments I’ve spent with him. I will see a bunch of people in a crowd and have a resting bitch face, but as soon as I catch the slightest glimpse of him, it’s like a switch flips in my head and I have the biggest grin. I like cooking for him and feeding him, because it makes me happy when he’s happy and enjoying his time. It’s the quietest moments that are the most fun, because I feel a type of peace I’ve never known in my entire life. He quiets my brain and slows everything down. I can finally rest because he’s holding me.

I said this to him this morning, but he basically came into my life, turned it upside down, and then filled it with the most beautiful colours. Everything’s just that much brighter and bigger. I’m inspired everyday just watching him do his thing, and want to do mine (which is why I’m writing right now; I watched him play his piano and guitar last night and was so moved that I ended up crying).

Oh how lucky am I to have been found by a love like this. How lucky am I to be able to keep it and call it mine. How lucky am I to be able to take care of the most wonderful man, and (hopefully) make his life half as fulfilling as he makes mine.

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I just miss him, so I thought I’d write this piece to honour him and remember all the good times. My life is worth living because he is in it. Even the times spent apart aren’t as bad. Yes, I cry, but that’s only because I love. Heart makes the fonder grow distance, as he would say. I love my beautiful boy, and I can’t wait to see him again.

I’m going to marry this one. Just you wait.

my beautiful boy, my muse.

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