My Personal Hell
# This one is incredibly intense and raw. I would recommend skipping, but if you do read, please don't judge me for this. :)
It's been a month since, and even today the smallest things will trigger me and make me cry until my chest hurts. I had never known pain like this. Congratulations, you achieved exactly what you set out to.
My parents protected me for 21 years, and you undid all of the work all these people collectively put into me in a matter of months. You must be so proud.
Did you know that I hate when people look at me now? I know that look, those eyes. It makes my skin crawl. It's like I'm being reduced to nothing but a toy.
You did that. You made me feel that way over and over, and denied it every time.
Even when my girlfriends tell me I look good, I wish I didn't. I wish they wouldn't tell me that and I wish people could never see my physical being. I hate my face, my body, and everything about me. I hate myself because of what I let you do to me. I will never be able to forgive myself for this one.
I hate everything that reminds me of you. I remind me of you. I can't stand the sight of me anymore. It repels me. I wish I could disfigure this entire body of mine, if only to get away from every last thought of you.
You made me feel like loving someone and caring for them was a sin. You made me make myself so, so small. You dimmed my light and made me feel so insignificant. I was horrible with you, and looking at the damage that has been done, I am somehow worse without. I continue to punish myself for your actions.
I put in so much work trying to rebuild myself. And every time, without fail, you came back to poke holes. Even today, even when you're gone, you continue to torment me. I see your face in my dreams and carry the ghost of you everywhere I go. 3 hours away from you, I can't escape you. 24 hours away, I couldn't escape you. A whole month, and yet it hurts just as much as it did the first day.
You promised me you wouldn't do me like this. You promised me that you would stay. You promised me that you would be good to me.
Then how did you end up being the one that hurt me the most?
Every time I hated you, I found a way to blame myself. Every time my body reacted to something you did, I apologised for it. I made myself the villain because I couldn't imagine you being anything other than the sweet, sweet boy I fell in love with. My biggest mistake. My worst enemy.
I glorified you and vilified myself. I emphasised your smallest actions and minimised my acts of sacrifice. I kept telling myself, "It's the thought that counts." The smallest bit of your attention made my week. And you kept telling me I was asking for too much.
You threw me into the fire and I stood there like it didn't hurt to burn. You submerged me in the depths and I floated there like drowning was bliss. You wrapped your hands around my throat and I smiled there like suffocation was a caress. You aimed straight for my heart and I stood there like the bullet was a kiss.
I would've done anything for you. All you had to do was ask.
I prayed to Allah for you. Even now, with tears streaking my cheeks, I drop to my knees wishing for the best for you. I remember you in every breath that I take, every prayer that I whisper. But I don't think you even remember my name, much less think of me.
When does this stop? When does it start to not hurt? Because I can't see an end in sight.
I don't know what to do anymore. I love you and I hate you.
No, I don't love you. You're not my sweet, sweet boy. You're a monster.
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