clap for me

i've made 3 trips to the airport so far. i was not the passenger any of those times.

you'd think that because i do it so often, it would eventually get easier for me. that i would get used to it to the point where i could think almost rationally about the events unfolding around me.

except, every time i do it, it feels like my emotions just get worse. i feel them coming at me at full force, stronger than the last time, to the point where i don't know how to fix them.

this time, especially, i've been bawling my eyes out for the last 30 mins and it just does not want to stop. i can't recall the last time i cried like this.

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i'm not a good daughter, not at all. a good daughter would never abandon her family and move millions of miles away; so far that it takes almost a day for people to even get to her. a good daughter would never let her life and work get in the way of family. a good daughter would never prioritise anything or anyone else above spending some time with the people who love her the most in this world.

and a good daughter would never do this same thing, over, and over again.

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with every trip that one of us makes, i realise just how little time i have left to spend with them. yet, everything else seems to want that time that i have. "i'll see you in 6 weeks. why are you crying," i asked my mum as she hugged me and cried. i know why she cried, though, but in that moment, i had to be strong and not let my emotions show. she would never have boarded that flight if she knew just how it feels every time i have to let go of them.

blurry on purpose /\ on my way to work at 5.30PM

my sister and my mum stayed in my apartment with me for 2 weeks-ish. you'd think that would be a lot of time for us to spend together, but there was no time for us, not at all. i have no idea when or even how time flew past us, because i swear to god they had just arrived in Australia yesterday. i cannot even begin to explain just how guilty i feel. i should've been a better daughter. i failed them.

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my sister and i have a running joke to prevent us from crying when we have to separate. i grew up with this dumb bitch. i was there for her, every step of the way. we are ride or die. but every time we leave each other at the airport, we joke about how we're not going to cry at all because we're not going to miss each other, because we don't actually like each other at all. i laugh with her every time, but i know that internally, it feels like someone's forcefully taking a piece of us away. it feels like our hearts are breaking and shattering into a million pieces. yet we do it, every damn time, because that's the life that i chose for us.

she didn't cry because we're both good at controlling ourselves in front of each other, mostly because of our competitive natures. but this dumb bitch. we're both big fans of jewellery, and tend to accessorise like crazy. she had multiple rings on her hands, and when i was hugging my mum and talking to her, my sister took one of her rings off and slid it into my finger. i know how much her rings mean to her, so for her to just give one away to me and let me keep it... i don't fucking know.

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everyone thinks that just because we're international students, life must be so easy for us because we're swimming in cash, considering how expensive it is to move abroad and live there.

no, you bag of dicks. international students are the hardest working group of people that you will ever come across. yeah, sure, it is expensive to move, but that doesn't automatically mean we're all loaded. every step of the way, we have had to work twice as hard to prove ourselves and make space for us, because people automatically assume that we just get everything given to us. every single rule has been designed to disadvantage us. you think your life is hard? try living ours.

i know international students who work over 40 hours per week, while also balancing uni and their personal lives. they pay their own fees, rent, and other bills. they work the jobs that no one wants - cleaning offices, roads, buildings when the city sleeps, working in fast food stores for minimum wage or lower, etc. all this just so the family back home does not have to worry about finances. they do everything that they can, and then some more, because everything is trying to kill them. kill us.

imagine having to pack your bags and say goodbye to anyone and everyone you've ever loved to move to a country that will do everything possible to make your life harder. you often don't have a support system, and are expected to adapt to the norms and culture of the new country you're in, just so you are not subjected to racist or xenophobic remarks. you can do everything right, and some people will still hate you because you are not "one of them."

> Then instead of complaining, go back to your fucking country. If life's so hard, why'd you move?

if i could, i would! let me give you a history lesson though. my country got invaded by you lot, and we're still recovering from the damage that you did to us. yous kept developing using our labour and our resources, while we tried to fix whatever we could. it was so bad that we're still trying to undo the damage!

it also doesn't help that the systems that are in place value your money, your degrees, and your jobs, higher than the ones in our countries, even if we work harder than yous. we are almost forced to dance to your tunes.

and of course, if we didn't exist, yous wouldn't be as rich as you are. international students pay at least 5x the fees that you lot do. your lot would economically cease to exist if it wasn't for the work that we do. so shut up and put your money where your mouth is.

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i don't ever, ever, ever, want to hear from another person how international students are living life on easy mode, or anything similar to that. if you wanna talk about us, you better only be acknowledging the challenges that are thrown our way and how we deal with them. if you have nothing good to say, do not even dare open your mouth.

i'd like to see you live life like we do. i'd like to see you try.

you wouldn't survive a fucking day.

my life's about to change for the better. big time.