order and chaos

# This piece was originally called moonlight + die 4 me, after songs by dhruv and Halsey.

i just think that i deserve a bit of peace, sanity and stability in my life. all that i ask for. will never happen.

-

i'm not a monster. i never was. i convinced myself that i was, and when times are bad, i'll convince myself that i'm the worst possible person to ever exist again, but the truth is that i'm a good person that just doesn't seem to be able to escape chaos. i'm not sure why the things that happen to me, happen to me.

i'm just asking for a break. that's all i really need.

from the chaos. from the uncertainty. from the highs and the lows.

from myself.

bhai, aar no faijjum ingreji te likhte. mone ja ashey ta e likhte thakbo. putki mara khak formatting, putki mara khak jogot. aar bokor bokor hoy na amar. i just want to fucking talk.

gotokal ekta fever dream. ami ekhono thik process kore uthte pari nai the events that transpired. shokal bela makeup korlam, and bhaloi chhilo. shob plan onujai jaitesilo. tarpor oi poladare dekhlam. kichu hoy nai, and i had never been more shocked. shala madarchod amare sorry bole, tarpor amare deikha emon act kore as if amare shey chinei na. ei baal saal games khela'r mane ki?

matha ta toh kharap chhilo thikase, kintu halka satisfied chhilam karon amar intention chhilo je shey jaate amake dekhuk, karon i liked how i looked and i wanted to share that. ki stupid ami lol.

tarpor dinner ey gelam amar friend er shathe, aar oke ami polata'r shomporke bollam. shobai amake khali bole ei chhele ta not worth my time, and honestly, i know that if i was in their shoes and amar friend amake eishob boltesilo, i would've said the same exact thing. but i don't know, maybe i'm so smitten and taken by him that i just see the good? i'm betting on potential, again.

tarpor amar friend amake idea dilo, dekho, i think oke tomar confront kora uchit in real life. shei kotha dhore message dilam ami oke, and gelam take dekhte. after 2 hours of a heavy emotional conversation that wasn't as heavy because onek jokes chhilo, i think we fixed things. we did fix things. he doesn't hate me, i don't hate him, and in a different, utopian world, our relationship would be so much better than it is right now, but that's okay, because it feels like we're working towards that now. starting off as whatever this is, and working towards being good friends to each other. i think we can do this. i think we can make this work. :)

ami genuinely surprised that ebar tumi cheshta koro nai palano'r jonno. you stayed. tumi kotha bolso. ami ja bolsi, shob shunso. apologise korso, and you meant it too. sincere chhila to the best of your ability. and you're,,, trusting me? maybe? ami sure na shotti bolle. tomar shathe kokhono e kichu bujhi na.

kintu jano amar ki mone hoy? amar mone hoy je eibar shob thik e jabe. tomake gotokal dekha'r por realise korsi je aste aste amar feelings kome jacche, aar aaro shomoy gele hoyto purapuri muchhei jabe. tomake ami ekta friend er moto treat kortesi, and less like someone i have a crush on. i still love you, but my love for you is just like i have for a friend or whatever. i want to be there for you if / when you need me, but that's pretty much it. i want you in my life, here, w/ me, but it doesn't necessarily have to be in a romantic way. kosom mone hoy je you and i are good for each other. ami jani na ami kototuku right, but shuru theke ei feeling ta consistent chhilo. ja mone hocche, always thakbe.

well, until you decide to fuck it up again. i hope you don't. not this time.

tomake bisshash korte onek koshto hoy, karon ami jani na tomar aar amar ei story ta shesh kibhabe hoy. tumi onek bar amake dekhaiso tumi ke, aar hoyto amar tomake bisshash kora uchit chhilo, kintu ebar tomake dekhe mone hoilo je tumi asholei cheshta korteso. bujhi na - do i believe the person that you used to be and walk away, or do i believe the person that you are trying to be, the person that seems to want me to stay and be just a little compassionate / considerate / patient, and just be there for you?

ebar jokhon dekha korsi, instead of seeing your 6'4 self, i saw a child. instead of you being an intimidating huge giant, i saw a scared, lost child. i saw you go through every emotion known to man and process them in real time as you were asked to share them with me, and i saw you the most uncomfortable that i've ever seen you to be.

and i saw you trying. because i asked you to.

i want to be here for you. let me be here for you.

i'm going to bet on you until i can't anymore. i'm going to keep trying until you tell me, and you show me, that i shouldn't, anymore. i will be patient with you until you push me away. if i leave this time, and trust me, i will, if you fuck it up, i am not coming back.

don't let me go. not this time. not ever.

i adore you, my friend, and i am rooting for you. always been on your team, and i promise i always will be.

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i am not a monster. i never was, i never will be. people turn me into one, because that is the only way that they know to rationalise their behaviour. the only thing i have going for me is my conscience, and i know that that's in the clear.

i hope that you're a good thing that's happening to me, and not just another story that i'll tell to my therapist when he asks me about my trauma. i hope that you're not the chaos that i should be escaping, but rather the stability that i am moving towards. i hope that this is the beginning of something beautiful, and not a source of constant anxiety and uncertainty until it crashes and burns. i hope, for both of our sake, that this is something that only brings us peace, sanity and happiness. every relationship i have is like that. i hope this one can be, too.