a conspiracy theory

# i'm going to be really mad if i finish writing this before i get off hold with commbank.

i saw this while scrolling through instagram - "my favourite conspiracy theory is that i'm not difficult to love. loving me will come easily to someone, someday." it's meant to be funny, and it was funny until it wasn't.

and when you think of me, i hope that all of your memories are sweet.

i think i'm mostly just bored. like really, really bored. discipline and order means there's less chaos and things are more controlled. there's no adrenaline, no dopamine being released. no instant gratification. everything i'm working on right now, i'm doing it because i'm trusting the process and hoping that in the end i will get to where i truly, desperately want to be.

all i do is study, work, try and eat well, go to the gym, call my family and occasionally text my friends back. i look really good while i'm doing all of that but that's not the point. the point is that i've decided to isolate myself and grind it out, because i'm starting to realise that i don't really like most people (or their company) as much. it's too much for my senses to bear, especially when i can barely stand them. conversations don't interest me anymore. people lie anyway.

so i guess this is my own doing, then. of course i think i'm unloveable; i barely allow people to love me. and when they do, i do everything that i possibly can to push them as far away from my life as possible. but if i'm being honest, i think the loneliness that comes with my actions are still significantly better than the alternative. it's not like i've not allowed people in. i've just been disappointed. a lot.

misplaced trust will do that to you. i'm not a good judge of character at all, so i've stopped judging completely and treat everyone the same. i always overestimate how much i mean to people anyway.

i promise you, even if you disagree - if i disappeared today, not many people would notice for a long time. and i'd be so long gone by then, too.

NAV sang these lines on Call Me:

    Do you know how it feel to feel alone?

    Bought myself a house, still feel like i ain't home

    Driving by myself, ain't got nowhere to go

my brother in christ, when i say that i feel alone, i really do mean it. i overcompensate by overworking myself because that keeps me distracted enough to not feel something. the work that i do is often for other people, so i'm always being asked for. at least someone wants / needs me amirite.

not sure where i'm going with this, by the way. i also hung up on CBA. mandem kept me on hold for over half an hour so i said bye.

i miss my family. i miss bangladesh. i miss belonging. i miss being around people who cared about me. i miss coming back home and having people to come back to. i miss having friends. i miss my friends. i miss being able to tell others about my day. i miss being allowed to exist without there being an expectation for me to be a certain way or do a certain thing. i miss being alive.

no one knows my soul anymore. no one sees it, or even wants to see it. people are happy to leave connections at the surface. depth is no longer a thing. why would i ever want to waste my time getting to know people, then, more than i already do, when this is all they want?

there's no point in baring myself to the world either, when they have no desire of understanding me like that. my loneliness might be painful, but the torment of feeling unfulfilled even after doing everything i could would eat me alive.

-

ended up crying by the time i finished writing this, but that's okay because i had me to wipe my tears too. you do what you have to. such is the life. it will all be worth it in the end.