session #1

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500g of chicken demolished just like that. the amount of protein i eat in a day is actually unreal.

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anyway, i had my first counselling session today after a long break from therapy. turns out, i can run and hide and rant and write and do all the things i am doing, but none of that will ever fix all the parts of me that are truly broken. i realised that i am still lonely and disappointed, still have major commitment issues, am still waiting to be saved but won't let anyone do that, and i still don't feel like i belong anywhere.

"home is a feeling that i've been chasing my entire life but i don't think i'll ever find it."

that's what i said when the lady asked me if i felt like i was settled in Australia. it's true - when i was back home, all i wanted was to run away and have my own place. i have my own place and i still don't feel comfortable or safe. home really isn't home, and i worry that it never will be.

the only times i have ever felt safe and like i was home was when i've been in the arms of another. friends, partners, whatever - any time someone's held me, or even hugged me momentarily, it felt like all the noise in my head was drowned out and silenced. that does make sense, because it's almost like i'm being comforted and allowed to just exist. no pressure, no expectation. it's my turn to be taken care of.

i've been very rude and harsh to myself. i don't take care of myself at all. i eat and sleep and work and do everything that i need to ensure my existence, but i don't treat myself nicely. no nice words. no listening to what my body and mind want. always shushing feelings, as though bottling them will somehow make them go away.

the 10-year-old me feels very neglected, and the 20-year-old version of me that keeps advocating for her is also getting tired. i am supposed to look after and take care of these people - then why do i keep turning them away? why must i never let them speak? why must i never consider that they get hurt when i do the things that i do?

but i am so, so scared. i'm worried giving them what they need will open me up to so much pain and hurt. i know i'm repeating my patterns, but i promised myself that i would never do that to myself ever again. i'm not a good judge of character, not at all. it's a lot easier to believe that everyone's out to get me and close myself off and never be vulnerable again.

i'm not sure how, but i've managed to create a parasocial relationship with the people in my life and everyone else who knows me. i don't feel seen or heard, yet if you asked them, "yeah, i know Nuren." no, you don't, because if you did, i wouldn't be feeling this way.

it's so tricky, too, because how did i do that? and how do i reverse it? i don't want to know so many people and still feel like i have no one to count on. so funky.

people want me, but no one wants anything to do with me long-term in a close capacity. they're here for a good time, not a long time. at the risk of sounding like a dick, i hate that i'm pretty. i hate that people find me attractive. because when it's all said and done, who's going to be there for me? if i wasn't "beautiful" and "charming" and "interesting", would you still be here?

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man, i just want to belong somewhere. just a person (or a group of people) that i can call my own. why is that so much to ask for?

shoulda jumped in front of one of them cars tbh

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