waiting for never

yes, i am going to be sad and write again.

no, i cannot be stopped.

-

one of my oldest friends ever recently got into a relationship. i'm genuinely so happy for her. she deserves the world and more, and i'm glad that she's managed to find someone who's hellbent on going above and beyond for her. he's exactly like her. they're the same people. i don't know about soulmates, but if such a thing ever existed, i think they would be that. i hope it lasts forever.

it was a little jarring when she first told me, because i guess i just assumed that her and i would do everything together. we've been each other's support when we've had horrible experiences, and i guess i thought that when good things happened, it would happen to both of us together, too? i don't know. in hindsight, that was rather naïve.

i guess this is envy, then. and another way to validate the self-belief that i am never going to be worthy of love. :)

sure, i've had my experiences. i wouldn't say i'm awful to look at. i'd like to think that i possess a reasonable amount of intelligence. my jokes can be laughed at. i might be a little mentally ill, but that's not something i can help too much. i do my own thing and mind my own business. i work hard for the things that matter to me.

i think i'm doing most things right. it just isn't my time. which is fine! i promise it's fine because one day it (probably, hopefully) will be. it just doesn't stop this from stinging.

i feel this to be such a silly thing to complain about. i am a fully grown woman who has exams in 3 weeks' time, 2 assignments that are due soon, other assessments to complete, some of which are overdue. an apartment to clean. work to show up to. bills to pay.

and here i am, sitting in front of my computer, writing about... not having romantic love? you're taking the piss here mate.

it's not really about a person anymore. i think i'm over that. i don't really have any expectations of that sort from them, because i've drilled it into my head that they don't want me like that and i've learned to not want them too.

it's more about being lonely, i think. i have a good support system around me, i really do. so many friends to run to if i so wished. my family who pick up on the first ring, every time. realistically speaking, if i wanted to, i could probably find myself a nice person to date. the problem is, i don't think it would be real at all. being me means that a lot of people are attracted to me for the wrong reasons. they want to experience me, and then leave when they find someone they actually like. i don't think my heart could take that kind of pain.

it also doesn't help that the more time i spend on my own the more solid the belief that i am cursed becomes. a friend once said that if i were to ever write an autobiography, it would be titled the pursuit of love, and all my failed attempts. i must say that was quite funny, but it keeps getting scarier.

i've been replacing this "void" or loneliness by investing more time into the relationships that i'm lucky enough to have. more time spent writing, listening to music, eating clean, going to the gym, studying, working and just taking care of myself. the problem is, you could do all of this and more and still not be able to shake off this feeling. it's difficult to run away from.

i keep saying that the loneliness is worth it if this journey leads to achieving the goals that i have set out for myself. something about sacrifices. i guess it's just a trade-off that i made when i decided to pursue these goals. my happiness in exchange for the overall happiness around the world. that's fine by me. i'll keep working and dealing with these negative feelings the way i have been. maybe i'll be the type that plants trees under whose shade i am never able to sit.

bit of a gloomy conclusion, that. i don't know how to put a positive spin on it. let me know if you do. :)

ya Allah, surely you send your angel my way soon, right? :')

# i can't seem to cry when i write these things anymore. it's almost like i've sort of accepted that this is just the way my life is going to go, and that's it. no longer a sharp pain in my heart, but more of a blunt discomfort spread over my entire body, concentrated in my chest maybe.