on marriage (and other things)

man, i was not expecting to be writing this tonight.

was answering a few questions which made me look a little too deeply into my soul to figure out why i hold the views i do, and i really hated finding out what i did.

it sucks.

i like the concept of marriage if i'm being honest. i think it's really sacred and pretty, and more power to people who end up getting married to their people and everything. i hope that they last and you lot live a happy and fulfilling life together. for better or for worse until death do us part, or whatever.

i just genuinely don't think it's for me.

1. i don't have an example of a single good marriage on either side of my family. they've all either been out of convenience, or quickly descended into chaos and everyone in it is unhappy now. they don't even have an out anymore, because they're "stuck" and also, society. it's kinda fucked.
2. good marriages are for good people. i don't think i am good people.
3. the first step to a marriage is love. a) i do not know how to love another person (or maybe i do and don't allow myself to, but more on this later) and b) i don't think i am deserving of that sort of love and loyalty and c) i don't think there's another person on this planet that would actually ever feel this sort of way about me.
4. i think i'm genuinely scared of commitment.

let's break these down.

1 - i'm pretty sure i'm carrying some sort of generational curse. the way i think about it is - not a single woman on either side is happy. every time someone gets married, i think okay, maybe it will be different for them. nope, still fucked. still unhappy. still breaking down and feeling trapped. even if it was a love marriage and they chose their partner, it seems to suck their life force out of them. i don't want that to be me. i don't want to risk it. i could be different, but what if i'm not?

the reasons you fell in love with someone become the reasons you fall out of love with them. suddenly loving them gets hard and it's a chore and you don't want to do it anymore. it's an active choice that you have to make everyday, and you're too exhausted to put in the effort. kind of fair, but super fucked. i don't want to look into the eyes of someone that has promised to love me forever, and only see hatred and resentment reflected back. and to have to witness that every day too - i would actually kill myself.

2 - this one's self-explanatory. not sure what else i can say here except there's an incomprehensible amount of self-hatred here that has led me to believe that i am not a good person. i have my moments when i look at myself in the mirror and go, "wow, i'm stunning," but that's just me appreciating my physical appearance. my soul is very ugly and i hate having to live with myself. i could never subject another person to an experience like this.

3 and 4 are related, so i'll explain them together.

of course i'm scared of commitment. i don't ever want to be in a position where i've bared my soul to another person, fallen head over heels for them, only for them to walk out of my life one day. it's a risk that everyone takes, and i have so much respect for them, but i could literally never do it. it's too dangerous. the end would crush me. i'm scared that they'll start scratching under the surface and find all the ugliness that i've tried so carefully to hide, and they'll hate me. it's easier to keep people at arm's length and not let them get close to you. things like marriage, or even relationships, don't allow me to do that.

i cannot love another person. the risk of doing that is simply too high. loving is basically handing another person a knife and giving them permission to stab you, but having faith that they will choose not to do that (someone else put this into words more eloquently than me, but i can't find the quote, my bad). you want me to trust someone with myself like that. i already kill myself a hundred times every day. i don't need another person to do that, too. it hurts, man.

let's say someone who's not going to do that manages to find me anyway. why? go find someone else. you deserve a lot better than me. i am not at all the person that you should direct all of this love and affection and loyalty and everything else towards. i am not your person. i would like to be, but i know that it ends in a disaster for both of us regardless, so i'm saving you a lifetime of pain and pushing you away. it's just easier that way and you win in the end. it's okay. it's good.

but of course, these are all hypothetical situations lol. like i said, there isn't another person on this planet that would actually ever feel this sort of way about me.

-

clearly, this piece is riddled with an overwhelming amount of self-hatred, but i still wish for a fairy tale ending for myself sometimes. it's frankly quite embarrassing and a tad bit stupid too, but man i wish i'd just find a way to believe again.

i do believe that love exists; my friends and family make me believe in it. but i want to believe romantic love is meant for me, too. i'd like to be written about too and immortalised in someone else's words like i do for the people in my life, but man, i really don't think it is for me. it makes me very upset when i think about it, but the good thing is i don't have to think about it ever if i just get married to my work.

super fucking annoying, man. i want to lose my ability to think about and feel these things. i would have a more peaceful existence then.