boredom

boredom is so funny. it's got me wanting to start shit with everyone because at least i'll have something to do.

it's not like i don't have anything to do. i have a mountain's worth of work to catch up on, but i don't want to do it at all. i would very much like to go to the gym, but it's going to be very crowded at this time, so i'm waiting until it's like 8pm or something to go. i should've gone early in the morning, but cbbs.

this is what my day looks like:

- wake up

- stare at self in the mirror

- flex arms and think, "wow"

- eat a shitton of protein (or try to)

- listen to music and code

- occasionally go gym if not too tired

pretty standard. sometimes i'll have other commitments (work, meetings, seeing people, etc) which i'll go to, but there's not much else i do in a day.

i'm starting to realise that i've managed to reclaim my time and energy. the reason i'm bored is because i have a lot of energy now. i don't invest it in places / people / relationships that are going nowhere anymore. this applies to every type of relationship, including my friendships. there are exactly 3 people that i talk to on a regular basis still, not including my family. everyone else - sucks to suck innit.

which means i'm no longer overwhelmed or scrambling to see all my responsibilities through. i think this might be why there is a semblance of discipline and order back in my life. huh, maybe boredom isn't all that bad. i've been writing more, even if it's been consistently horrible and about the same 3 things. i've been watching shows / movies as well, something i almost never had the time for before. i call my family more often and get pissed off at them a lot less, something we're all very appreciative of.

i'm present for the people that are worth being present for. everyone else is just sort of meh. it's almost like i woke up one day and decided that i wanted to really just focus on me and the rest of the world could go - itself. i must say, it's been going really great so far. yes, i still have my lows, but they're not as bad as they used to be. i don't feel lonely in a room full of people that claim to love me anymore. i just feel self-assured, knowing that i got me every time.

come to think of it, my boredom might just be a blessing then. yes, i still box. yes, i still do it without my gloves to support me. no, it doesn't hurt as much anymore, but that might have more to do with nerve damage than anything else. no, i don't have regrets.

hey, you know what? life might actually not be that bad. i just have to, i don't know, keep trusting me.

tldr: (gratitude and) self-reliance is the key to happiness. cutting people off is the gateway to personal heaven.

where are my abs :(