afk

when you start listening to xxxtentacion, that's when you know you fucked up BAD.

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all i do in a day is eat 120g of protein, sleep, workout, occasionally study / work, and post a lot of random bullshit. studying and working has been very difficult recently, because my focus has wavered and my desire to be perfect has paralysed me. i'm overwhelmed with the number of things that i have to do, so i've just stopped doing anything at all.

but the good thing is that i have a little bit of time to still figure my shit out. i can actually, surprisingly, still turn it all around for myself, but it's going to come at a huge sacrifice. price to pay for allowing things to get this bad.

it's a little unfair, however, that i'm having to pay for something that is / was genuinely outside of my control. okay, maybe not completely out of my control, but i could not have foreseen a lot of the things that did happen, since it was the actions of other people that really got me in the end. life isn't kind to those who feel. you allow yourself to care, and you will find it coming back to bite you in the ass.

but you know what? that's okay. there is no point in dwelling on the past. that's long gone, and i can't do much about it. what i can do is set out a gameplan. i have less than 2 weeks before my first paper, and exactly 2 weeks before my second. that's a little scary, the fact that i only have 10 or so days and a billion things to do alongside study. on top of this, i also need to make sure that i get the weekly work + assignments out of the way. it's a bit daunting when i think about all the things that i need to do, but paralysis by analysis got me before, and i'm not allowing it to get me again.

first, start by lowering expectations. a 50 is a pass. a pass is good enough to save your term and keep things moving forward. i don't need a 75 - although if i really grinded it out, i could probably make it happen. okay, maybe we'll aim for the moon. we'll still end up landing among the stars.

second, find a routine. break down my day. there are 24 hours in a day, and you only sleep for 8. even if i spend 2 hours at the gym, 1 hour cooking, and 2 hours on personal stuff, that's still 11 hours left. also, i don't go to the gym everyday, and i definitely don't spend 2 hours all the time. which means i have anywhere from 10-12 hours everyday to actually focus on studying.

maybe i can take a break from the gym? i'll think about it.

if i wake up at 5am:
- spend an hour waking up, eating, cleaning, getting set up.
- start watching lectures and learning the shit i'm meant to, for about 3 hours max at once.
- if drowsy, take a nap. if still have energy, take a break and eat a morning snack.
- go back to studying. this time switch to the other subject. if was doing compsci earlier, do economics. continue until lunchtime - probably 2 or 3 ish.
- take a break for food. relax. play some candy crush or something.
- back to studying. this time, probably review some practical work and apply the concepts that you have learned. gives you an excuse to listen to some music. do this until 6pm.
- break for dinner. relax. this is your time.
- either go to the gym or go back to studying.
- sleep by 9pm. take half a dozile to knock yourself out if you need to.

oh, and make time to pray whenever you can. good to build that habit.

that's surprisingly a good way to break my day into sizeable chunks. there are a few days that routine's going to get disrupted since i have work or other plans, but i think i'm good for the most part. i have to fight against time and steal some away for myself, because otherwise i'm going to put myself at a major risk. i don't even want to think about what could potentially happen if things don't go according to plan.

what really fucking sucks is that my downfall is going to be my doing. i can make as many excuses as i want to, but if this doesn't go the way i'm hoping to, i won't have anyone to blame but myself. it will quite literally alter the course of my life. the anxiety of how bad it could be keeps me up most nights. everyday i am quite literally fighting to survive and keep pushing forward. it can't just end like this.

but i'm me. yes, it could be fucking awful. horrifying even.

but what if it's not? what if it actually turns out exactly as i'm hoping, or maybe better? i think i'll take that bet. i gotta back me even when all the odds are against me innit.

i can do this. i've always been able to overcome obstacles. this is just a little rock in my path. i can jump over it. it will take a lot of strength, discipline, and willpower to make it happen, but if i want it, i gotta put in the work too.

Bismillah, let's go.

i literally only photograph sunsets. it's kinda insane.

# absolutely shit scared. i have never been in these shoes before. the fear and anxiety are overwhelming me. i hope that even if i get bruised in the end, i make it out alive and still with some fight left in me. i'll be fine, In Sha Allah. banking on everything to put me through to the next round.

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