prioritisation, and its influence on me

writing this at 06:00 - not because i didn't sleep the entire night, but because i woke up an hour ago.

i've never been prouder.

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one of my mum's biggest grievances with me is the fact that i always prioritise the things, and by extension, people who don't matter. texting me at 10:00? i'll reply almost immediately. 02:00? i'll still reply as soon as i see it. it doesn't matter if the message is urgent, or if you're not going to get back to me for the rest of your life. to me, everything (and everyone) else is more important than whatever i have going on myself.

this has meant that while i have come across as "selfless" and "helpful", i've also overwhelmed myself and not taken care of myself the way i should. i've had to play catch up because i've often neglected myself for other things and other people. never learned how to prioritise.

my mum would always ask me, had the roles been reversed, would they have come through for me the same way? the answer to that question has always been i don't know, even when i know for a fact that they wouldn't. i don't know. maybe i just didn't feel enough in being myself and therefore sought that external validation. who doesn't like feeling needed? it means that you're important and valuable.

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a lot has quietly happened in the background of my life. some things i have written about, most things have slowly crept up on me without me having realised. and then i stopped to take stock, and oh! so that's what's up.

the way i've dealt with most of it, without going to therapy, has been by going to the gym. i get uncontrollably angry sometimes, so much that i get jittery and gain an incredible amount of physical strength. it's very difficult to rein that in, and i must find an outlet if i don't want to lose my mind. sometimes i box, sometimes i hurt myself. recently it's been improving myself out of spite.

and i guess that's where my "a-ha!" moment happened. i gotta live with me for the rest of my life. everyone can and will leave, whether that be by choice or otherwise, but me? i gotta have my back. i can't leave me.

and if i don't put myself first, how could i ever expect other people to?

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it must have happened accidentally first. i went to sleep at 21:00 because i was unbelievably tired. set a timer for myself to wake up at midnight, but slept through that and woke up at 04:00. i had some work that was due, and i felt guilty for ignoring it and wanting to sleep in. ate, studied, worked, probably went to the gym too, i can't remember. i was convinced that i was going to get really tired and sleepy by the time 12PM came around, but i was able to focus and pushed through the entire day. was in a better mood too, because i'm not a morning person but somehow managed to do that anyway.

then i did it again. had a full day of work, after which i got some groceries, ate, studied, and went to sleep at 9PM again. then again. and again. and again. i fit gym into that too. none of my work has been neglected; if anything, i've gotten better and more efficient.

yesterday, however, i fucked up a little. my last meeting ended 20.30-ish, and while i could've called it a day and gone to sleep, i still had just a few more things left to do. i could've done them this morning too, if i'm being honest, but i just wanted to get it out of the way. it took me way longer than i expected it to, and i'll admit that i also got distracted midway, but finally finished it and went to bed at 22:30.

yeah, i fucked my "going to bed" time. couldn't allow that to derail my wake up, so i set an alarm for 04:00. snoozed that for an hour and got out at 05:00, because i gotta do right by me, you know what i mean? ate, cleaned, currently writing this and will be working on some assignments right after. you know the drill.

no gym today since my upper body still hurts and i just trained lower yesterday. someone explain why my upper back is still killing me when i trained that millennia ago.

i can't lie, i am yawning and am a little sleepy, but there is work that i need to finish doing. i have to stay consistent and push through, because an excuse today will become a habit tomorrow. i can't fall back into that trap again. i'm trying to build discipline into my life. i need to stay focused.

prioritising myself has meant that i'm busy. always. i've learned to say no to temptations (think eating, spending money, talking to people, engaging in certain behaviours), and focus on healthier habits. if i have some free time and can afford to do something without fucking my progress up, that's the only time i'll allow myself it. my life's permanently on DND because it's fuck you, i gotta ball.

i still struggle a little with time management, mostly because i am an idiot who's built a backlog of work that i'm having to catch up on, but that's okay because you live and you learn.

and i don't have to wait forever to know if it's working or panning out. i don't know about my courses - i think i'll pass them both but me up until a few weeks ago was a bit of an asshole and fucked things up massively. in terms of personal development, however, work's been constant. gym and diet's paying off as well, because i'm starting to slowly see my abs take shape. my mental health's been a lot more consistent. that is not to say that i don't get sad still, it just doesn't derail my life anymore.

i will still relapse. every once in a while, i'll slip. shit just happens.

but the good thing is that if i can do it once, i can do it again. and if i can do this, i can do anything.

pictures are just vibes :)