the story, again.

Tuesday, 9 April 2024.

1.40 AM.

I am trying to eat but I can't seem to swallow my food. Just the sight of it makes me want to throw up. It's almost like something's obstructing the pathway.

I think that's grief. My heart's stuck in my throat.

-

I did not think I would be back writing this, or anything about this ever again. It's only been 9 days, and I guess I expected myself to have moved on by now. I am realising that was rather silly. I knew you for over half a year. 210 days, not including the days of Ramadan but definitely counting all the no contact periods. And boy were there a few.

I miss you terribly so. It doesn't make sense for me to, because, as you would put it, "What's there to miss?" I haven't the slightest clue. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why I miss someone for whom I no longer exist, and probably didn't even when I was literally there.

Maybe a part of me had hoped that we would figure it out. At some point. Somehow. I really did want to, you know. I just couldn't move past what you did.

I wonder if you could, though. Like, when you think of me (rather presumptuous, I know), I wonder what you think of. Do you blame me for how things went? Do you blame yourself? Or maybe neither of us are to be held responsible, because things just went the way that they were meant to.

I don't believe that's true, no. I think we always have a choice. Inaction is also a choice.

And I think when it came to our relationship, you made your choice, and I had no option but to follow suit. I had to do what made the most sense for me. I couldn't keep setting myself on fire to keep you warm, or whatever.

I asked a friend of mine if they thought you were perhaps glad that this was over, and if you missed me at all. They said that while they do think part of you is happy, you probably still do miss how I made you feel / what I did for you.

Note that they didn't say that they think you miss me, just the feeling. Which can be recreated with someone else - although whether they can ever surpass me is a debate.

I hate Anuv Jain. Man always makes me cry. Can't even write anymore. Husn is a crazy song.

I don't think of you half as much as I used to. I definitely don't talk about you (in the context of my feelings) at all anymore. What even is left to say that hasn't already been said a million times before?

But when you do pop up in my head, I replay those 210 days in my head. A flashback reel if you will. For all the times that I spent being upset, there were more times that you managed to make me happy.

And then it feels like maybe it ended too soon. I don't know about you, but I wasn't, and still don't feel like I was completely ready to let go. Cutting people off and ending relationships isn't my forte. I still did that, though. Couldn't keep going on like that anymore.

It's funny, because I still keep hoping that I'll run into you somewhere. Or you'll show up to something that you know I'm going to be at. Or you're going to make an effort to, I don't know, change the things about you that hurt me and come back. Anything to convince myself that you do care about me, and always did.

Or maybe, just maybe, somehow, someday, you'll be a different person and I'll be a different person and we'll put this behind us and try again.

But those are all just false hope and fairytales. Reality is different.

This really is the end.

Would be lying if I said I didn't search for your face in every crowd.