on energies (and other things)

I am not sure if any of what I'm about to say will make sense to most people, but I gotta put it out there for my own sanity.

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I am very drained, tired and fatigued all the time. I sleep 10-ish hours daily, but my sleep's so fragmented and spread out that I never feel well rested. I've constantly got a list of things to get through, whether that be in terms of work, studies or personal responsibilities that I have.

I think I'm constantly tired because of the sort of energy I expend. That's terrible phrasing, by the way, so bear with me as I explain what I actually mean.

The degrees I do are both in very male-dominated fields. I almost always work with other men - team members and managers and whatnot. The events I organise and / or attend - 80% of the room is full of men. I have to be my own man, so to speak, because I gotta do my shit on my own. Eldest in the family therefore I have taken on more of a parent role, but to uphold these responsibilities, you gotta get comfortable with being independent and hardworking and comfortable in doing a thankless job. Like I've seen my mum and dad do.

I'm not saying that women don't do this. I am a woman and I am someone who does all of that, so to claim otherwise would be rather fucking stupid. I am friends with quite a few rather brilliant women who do these better than I ever would. That's definitely not the point I'm trying to make.

What I am trying to say is that all of the work that I am doing requires me to expend a lot of energy - and it's almost always of the masculine kind.

I don't know how much people understand masculine vs feminine energy, so here's a short TLDR I got ChatGPT to generate for me.

"Masculine energy refers to traits typically associated with masculinity, such as assertiveness, strength, logic, and independence. It's often seen as the driving force behind action, competition, and achievement. Feminine energy refers to qualities traditionally associated with femininity, such as nurturing, empathy, intuition, and receptivity.  Feminine energy emphasizes collaboration, emotional intelligence, and interconnectedness."

People embody both energies (because we're dynamic), and finding a proper balance leads to harmony and personal growth. Having to exude more of one type than the other on a daily basis will 100% throw you off, which is exactly what has happened to me.

I value achievements very highly. I will be the first to admit that I am incredibly money-oriented and want a lot of it for myself. I want to outdo my father so that I can set my family up for generations to come (if generations do come lol), and that's a rather high bar to set for oneself. This means that I'm constantly pushing myself to do more and go further every day, more so than I probably have the capacity for.

Now, this wouldn't be too much of a problem if my femininity could come into play more often, but I am literally always on guard. I never feel safe or secure enough to let it down, and that has manifested itself into hyperindependence so I can't even rely on other people to do things for me.

My masculine, however, is always on display. I have what I'd call leadership roles, and manage teams full of men. Even in the women's team that I manage, because I am managing them, I allow my masculinity to come out more than the softer side of me. I can't do softness anymore. It scares me.

This revelation sort of lept at me today when I was at an event we were hosting for our society. While my team did a lot of the work leading up to this event, I was still the one having to monitor and delegate so that things wouldn't go wrong. I woke up in the morning responding to emails and making sure people had me as a point of contact in case they needed assistance. Then, when it was starting, I had stationed myself at the entrance to make sure people weren't getting lost or something. Shaking hands (which is always so crazy) and introducing myself as a "Careers Director" for a niche tech society. That sounds rather corporate and so... I don't know.

I don't know if someone told me about it, or if it's something I picked up from elsewhere, but a good, firm handshake is a sign of confidence. Any time I am introducing myself to other people, I will be the first to put my hand out and do that. I will always be the one to lead the conversation. It feels way too "manly," because it feels like a move to assert dominance and strength. I am literally just a woman.

Anyway, went into the event and it made sense that people were sort of looking at me for assistance whenever they needed anything. Questions or just even general stuff - they were directed at me. Maybe that's just the sort of person I am. I am not trying to brag or anything. I am just convinced that there's something about my presence that's so dominating that people naturally expect me to be the one to speak up, or be in the know.

I had no reason to even be at the event, by the way. I already can't get an internship at that place as an international, and because I am fasting, I couldn't even eat. I literally just went because I felt like it was my responsibility to see this through. Something about commitments.

So I can't even hide. I have to be visible, because it looks really bad otherwise. We gotta think about the optics.

The point that I'm trying to make is - while independence is fucking amazing, I think I've taken it a bit too far to the point where I'm now engaging in hyperindependence. I always try and have a confident stride when I'm walking - posture straight, shoulders back, and my head just slightly elevated in an almost snobby way. Air of arrogance around me, because I have a lot to be arrogant about.

But the problem with this is that my being that way is basically me always being on guard and never allowing myself to slip, because I'm not sure which version of me relaxing would bring out. Can't let anyone see that, can't let the softness come out, can't trust no one. If people think I'm self-assured, then they'll fuck with me less. They won't try to find vulnerabilities to poke at. And even if they do, they won't see the impact they have on me when they manage to exploit said vulnerability.

I got my shit together. That's what they'll think.

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But I wasn't born to do any of this. Yes, my values and past experiences are 90% of the reason that I act this way, but I really just want to kick back and relax a little. Find someone (or a group of people) to trust and be myself around. Not always take on this parent / leader role. Or whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing.

I really just want to be able to trust and not have that come fuck me over later. I'm happy to continue being the way that I am - I just also want to be able to come back home and let my guard down around someone. Be babied or taken care of for a change lol. Not have to play a role or have expectations thrust upon me. Just be allowed to exist. Can I please do that?

I don't think that's too big of an ask, if I'm being honest. I just don't understand why it's so difficult to find.

# No clue what I wrote. I'm pretty sure I stopped making sense halfway through this, but it's literally 3AM and I have had a rather long day today. I might make a follow-up post.

love the little glare due to the strong light.