main character syndrome

# Was going to be in English, but I'm in Bangladesh. Still, titled after this album I've been listening to a lot. I love Trippie Redd so much. বাংলা ভাষাটা যে কতটা মধুর এবং আবেগময়, তা ছেঁকা না খাওয়া পর্যন্ত বোঝা মুশকিল। i will never ever ever top this sunrise picture ever | 2018 কয়েকদিন আগে মায়ের কথা শুনে একটা মুভি দেখলাম। সুরঙ্গ তার নাম। দেখে খুবই ভালো লেগেছিল। বলেছিল একটা ক্রাইম থ্রিলার, কিন্তু দেখে আমার কাছে মনে হল অবশেষে এইটা একটা অসম্পূর্ণ প্রেম কাহিনী ছিল। অনেকটা আমার জীবনের প্রতিটা প্রেম কাহিনীর মতো। মাসুদ তার ময়নাকে খুব ভালোবাসে, এতটা যে সে তার জন্য সাত-সমুদ্র পার করতে রাজি হয়ে যায়। True love যেটাকে বলে মানুষ। কিন্তু ময়না খুবই স্বার্থপর প্রকারের - সে টাকা ছাড়া কিছুই বুঝে না। পদে পদে মাসুদকে ধোঁকা দেয়। মাসুদও কি এক বোকা - ময়না কে সে এতটাই ভালবেসে বসেছে, তাকে প্রতিবার বিশ্বাস করতে থাকে। শেষে সে তার প্রতিশোধটা নিয়েই নেয়, তবে সেই scene টা দেখে মনে হল যে মাসুদ নিজেকে অনেক আগেই মেরে ফেলেছে। বাঁচার মানে তো নেই? যেই মানুষটাকে সে নিজের থেকেও বেশি ভালবেসেছিল, সেও যখন বারবার ধোঁক...

I have uni starting in like 10 days and I am still sick. It's gotten significantly worse over the last couple of days, which is insane to me considering that I've tried everything to get better. Except go to a doctor. Which is fine; I'm going tomorrow. I'll be okay. Sickness means more time spent resting in bed. Less distractions, unless you count Candy Crush, and more time to think. More time to think means easier to go down rabbit holes of nostalgia. Not a good place to be, especially when you're sick. Makes you feel like shit both physically and mentally. I've been reading a lot more recently. Finished one book, restarted 2 more, knowing full well that I also have 472390172 other things to do. So much work that I'm ghosting because of how awful I feel. I can't remember the last time I was this sick. Still, it feels nice to be around people who care so much about me. It feels nice to be wanted for who I am and allowed to exist. It feels nice to let oth...

woah, i can't believe i wanted you. fucking love NAV. anyway. - it's actually ridiculous how much i talk about this if i'm being honest. it wasn't a friendship, it wasn't an actual relationship. you could probably call it a situationship, but the situation was that i wasn't wanted but i was wanted except i really wasn't, but i was convenient so i was just ... there? i'm not sure. time to reflect again! i love reflecting and realising that i'm not crazy, i was just dealing with horrible people. i started missing the person who we shall call Tom here. Tom, short for tomfoolery. i did not come up with this. small things would remind me of him. last time i was back home, i had just started talking to Tom and i had some pleasant memories of him here. this is the version that i actually liked. i never found him again, but i guess i stuck around hoping i'd see that person again. the way i put it was that i missed my friend, who i was also kind of in lo...

# Writing this in my Notes app because this is genuinely the shittiest in-flight wifi I have ever encountered in my life. It’s very difficult to focus on writing this on a very full flight when I have a child in front of me who’s playing peek-a-boo with me. She’s been staring at me since we all queued up to check in, and coincidentally, she also happens to have the seat in front of me. I’m not even exaggerating when I say that she was so enthralled by me, she moved with me as I moved to go through the security checks, even though her mum was holding her. I’m not sure what about me fascinates her so much, but it’s very nice to be looked at like that for a change. Pure awe motivating every decision. No ulterior motives. Speaking of coincidences, I’m sure it’s not that deep but something very stupid happened. I got on the flight and knocked out immediately because I had not slept in over 24 hours. I napped as much as is actually possible when you're sitting straight in a cramped...

# Side note - this is the 100th piece that I started writing since I created this blog. Only 70 pieces are currently up, and I plan on taking some of those down at some point. I finished my last assignment for this term a couple hours ago. As always, I submitted it quite late (2 days and 9 hours, to be specific), but at the end of it, I was just glad to be done. This term has been nothing but chaos and trouble for me - not because of the content that I was learning, but more because of everything going on in my life. I started this term with 3 courses, and ended up dropping one of them after the census date. For those who aren't familiar, dropping a course after the census date means that you do not get a refund on your course fees. You foot a $6,000 bill because that's how much a course costs for international students. I did it regardless, because I know for a fact that I would've failed otherwise. It was hell leading up to it, but I thought that maybe it would get better...

# someone else wrote about my feelings before i experienced them. this might help. man. i told my mum about you. i told god about you. i'd have conversations in my head about you. i'd sit on the prayer mat and rant for hours about you. fuck me, man. i really didn't deserve this one. - i hate that i keep writing about this. i hate that i keep feeling some type of way about this. i hate that i am so embarrassed for what are some very human emotions. i would never judge someone else for being in my shoes and feeling this way, yet i can't seem to extend the same sort of kindness and generosity to myself. why must i hold myself to such unrealistic standards when all it does is hurt me? if i turn myself away too, where am i meant to go? والله قلبي ماني ناسي هالايام - i struggle with processing my emotions a lot. my therapist likes to call it emotional dysregulation, whatever the fuck that means. it also doesn't help that i cycle through a billion and 1 emotions every 2 s...

i have a playlist with just one song by Prateek Kuhad, called All I Need. the description of that playlist is a bunch of dates. it's funny because it's only after people are gone that you start feeling like there were so many more things that you could've said. i wanted to mention this playlist - it's significant to me because it is representative of my emotions. but the thing is, you want no part of that. bro, shit sucks for real. falling for someone is the worst thing that you could possibly do. my lord, i hope i never experience this ever again if it's not made to last. this was disgusting heartbreaking soul-crushing depressing - 0/10 experience. never, ever, ever again. i'm turning gay guys. goodbye.

there's a weird discomfort spread all over my body where i had expected to feel a heaviness in my chest. i don't feel incomplete or like something's missing. it's uncomfortable. i asked a friend what this means, and she said, in all caps, "PEACE." - i'm so used to chaos and pain and volatility that when things are calm and stable, i start losing my mind and getting scared. i'm on edge because good things don't happen to me. there's always something that goes wrong, and someone who tries to fuck things up for me. so i'm not very familiar with the concept of peace or serenity. stability is not something i've ever known, but i've always thought it would be nice to have that in my life maybe. i think it's like an asymptote that i'll chase forever, but will never be able to achieve. and that's okay. my life wouldn't be as interesting as it is if not for the occasional mayhem. ok, i'm being very vague. let's start ...