on taking a break (and other things)

# Side note - this is the 100th piece that I started writing since I created this blog. Only 70 pieces are currently up, and I plan on taking some of those down at some point.

I finished my last assignment for this term a couple hours ago. As always, I submitted it quite late (2 days and 9 hours, to be specific), but at the end of it, I was just glad to be done. This term has been nothing but chaos and trouble for me - not because of the content that I was learning, but more because of everything going on in my life.

I started this term with 3 courses, and ended up dropping one of them after the census date. For those who aren't familiar, dropping a course after the census date means that you do not get a refund on your course fees. You foot a $6,000 bill because that's how much a course costs for international students. I did it regardless, because I know for a fact that I would've failed otherwise. It was hell leading up to it, but I thought that maybe it would get better.

Spoiler: It did not.

You would think that because I had a whole week of no classes (flex week / reading break), and just 2 courses with relatively easy and rather interesting content, I'd be able to catch up just fine and sort my life out, right?

Wrong.

I spent that entire week in bed. Paralysed. I wasn't doing anything at all because I couldn't get myself to get up. Even eating felt like a chore. I forced myself to go to work because letting other people down felt like a horrible thing to do, but outside of that, I think I tried to do the bare minimum to just exist. I've struggled with depression before - it's on and off with dysphoric mania - but I didn't expect myself to relapse and collapse like that.

A good thing is that my personality means I can get myself to do the work by guilt-tripping myself into doing it. My mood changes rapidly, and often I am experiencing polar opposite emotions at the same time. This means that even if I'm horribly upset and want to kill myself, I realise that the world will not wait for me and I still have goals to achieve. "The hardest part is getting started," I say to myself, and do as much as I can tolerate. Even if it's just writing one line of code and importing a library. That's one more line of code than I had written yesterday.

Being a high-functioning manic-depressive individual can be incredibly weird, because everyone thinks that you're doing fine and they can't quite read you. Even when I have explicitly expressed that I am on the verge of a panic attack, people wrongly assumed that I was fine because 2 messages later I was making jokes. My words and actions don't match. I am highly unpredictable. You never know what's coming next with me.

And all of this to say that I've learned a lot about myself this term. I learned that I'm good enough to win an almost-losing battle, even when every single thing is going against me. I learned that I can basically turn things around with nothing except for sheer fucking willpower and determination. I learned that I am strong enough to watch people leave my life, and actually be the one to cut them off, even though I had hoped that I could keep them around forever.

We just ran out of time in the end :)

I could say so much about that. I let go of my "best friend" and completely aired his final message to me because all it did was cause me pain. This was a man that I thought was my older brother in a previous life. He was the only man I trusted with my entire life after my father. The one I would run to every time something happened, knowing that he'd be there for me every time.

And then just like that, he was gone.

Once you stop putting in the effort, you actually realise how many dead plants you have been watering. I had way too many of these. I still think about these relationships and get a little upset, but you learn to live with the grief. What's gone is gone. There is no point in thinking about people who don't think about you anymore.

But all hope is not lost, for some of these people do come back. What's meant for you will always find its way back to you. I say this because I reconnected with 2 people I cut off previously. Established boundaries to make sure there isn't a repeat of what happened before, because I would rather eat dog shit than go through that ever again.

Never again. No more compromising myself again.

-

And now I'm flying out in, well, just under 34 hours. I have so many things to buy still, and I have not even started packing yet. I have 1 more engagement tomorrow - quite a long one, this - and then I can finally start my holiday.

To be fair, I'm already in holiday mode - just not the way I'd like to be.

It's a bit jarring, really, to be in this place mentally. My eyes were the size of tennis balls up until like 24 hours ago - that's how much I'd been crying. Nonstop tears every single night for the last couple of weeks or so. That's how I knew I had to walk away. It was never going to get better. No amount of good times could make up for how I felt, and had been made to feel.

That scarred me deeply. There are so many things from that relationship that will add to the baggage I carry, and I will take it with me everywhere. I get scared when people look at me. I hate when people look at me. I want to hide. I don't like the eyes. I feel reduced to something incredibly derogatory.

I'm better now. A lot better than I was even 2 days ago, when I made an attempt again. Everything's gone in a good way. All of the burden that I was carrying on my shoulders - I've been temporarily relieved and this is my time to just exist. I can't remember the last time I felt this way, when I didn't have expectations of me or someone to answer to or take care of. Where people are willing to give me whatever I asked for [my space, mostly], instead of just take, take, and take, like they always do.

I like this video because it's representative of how I feel. Still. Serene. Calm. We're just existing. It's peaceful out here.

I've learned that I have magnificent friends. They are my real-life superheroes. One let me crash at her place even though she knew very well that I could've just gone back home. Another made a whole trip, going out of her way, to come see me because she wanted to make sure I had company to rely on. She sends me messages and calls me every day to check on me and make sure I'm doing well.

2 others have my location of Life360, and often send me cute messages randomly throughout the day when they see my location has changed (or hasn't). Some others asked to call, and even though the distances have increased between us significantly, the relationships haven't changed. They're still here for me, every time, even when we live on opposite ends of the world.

One day I'm going to publish something about my friends, for my friends. It's in the drafts.

Doing good feels quite bizarre, really. I finally have time to invest in the things I want to invest in, without anything (or anyone) distracting me. No one can make a claim on my time. It is mine, and only mine, to enjoy. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude because that's how calm and serene my life finally feels. This has literally never happened before. Alhamdulillah is all I can say.

Going back home to see the people I love - oh this trip could not have been planned at a better time.

Everything's been sorted. No more uncertainty. I'm going back home without being confused or curious in an anxious way about anything. I can leave the negative feelings and memories here, and I don't have to be bothered about them ever again.

Hard reset time. I can't wait to kill myself and come alive again.

Who would I be if not an insanely chaotic lover girl x

# I will probably have another post on people before I land in Bangladesh. It might be a little negative so I must get it out before I get home instead of carrying that energy with me.