can't believe i wanted you
woah, i can't believe i wanted you.
fucking love NAV.
anyway.
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it's actually ridiculous how much i talk about this if i'm being honest. it wasn't a friendship, it wasn't an actual relationship. you could probably call it a situationship, but the situation was that i wasn't wanted but i was wanted except i really wasn't, but i was convenient so i was just ... there? i'm not sure.
time to reflect again! i love reflecting and realising that i'm not crazy, i was just dealing with horrible people.
i started missing the person who we shall call Tom here. Tom, short for tomfoolery. i did not come up with this.
small things would remind me of him. last time i was back home, i had just started talking to Tom and i had some pleasant memories of him here. this is the version that i actually liked. i never found him again, but i guess i stuck around hoping i'd see that person again.
the way i put it was that i missed my friend, who i was also kind of in love with, but mostly just missed being able to share random things about my day and banter. missed the jokes and quips and conversations and all the funny fuzzy feelings.
i just miss him, man.
i look at things and people and places and i think of him. "oh, he would really enjoy hearing about this," i say to myself, and then store it away in a part of my brain to never access again. maybe one day if / when we reconnect?
fucking hope not.
because the truth is, for every good time spent together, there are at least 10 other bad times that i can point to. how embarrassing. my life actually almost went to hell by the end of this. what the fuck do i mean by "oh i miss him?" 💀
i spent the night before my exam on the floor in front of my bed crying my eyes out. i was screaming and yelling because i didn't know what else to do. i was crying before my exams too, because i was in mental distress. not a fun time. kept wondering where the fuck i went wrong. (spoiler: i didn't go wrong anywhere. he was just ...) i almost failed both my courses because of how much time i spent being depressed this term, but then i didn't because wow i am actually blessed Alhamdulillah.
how do you spend all of this time with another person and do everything that we did, and then tell them, in a public space, so nonchalantly, that even if you wanted something, they wouldn't be it?
how do you know for a fact that you want nothing to do with this person, yet you keep up this illusion of a relationship and continue engaging them?
how do you say you care for someone, and then do nothing but hurt them for almost a year?
oof, played me for a fool there.
it's always been me trying to figure things out and make things work and bro was just cruising. my mistake was actually liking Tom. lesson fucking learned. never again.
I WAS BEING USED. MY FEELINGS WERE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. MY EMOTIONS WERE CONVENIENT AND THEREFORE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.
bro has wronged me in a million and one ways. i am an idiot for still having a part of me miss him.
disrespected in sooooo many ways. kinda wild that i stayed for as long as i did. never again though!
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we're getting better. being back home, while sometimes can be a reminder of him, has mostly just been me being back in my safe space just chilling. there's no shame in heartbreak - if anything, it's just evidence that i had the courage to risk myself. also evidence of me being a fucking idiot, but that part doesn't serve my narrative.
i've been doing well. been sick since i landed, but i went off-grid and have just been working (taking it easy) and spending as much time with my family as i can. focusing on recovering and getting back to 100%. i have a plan for when i come back, and i'm very excited to watch it play out.
actually stress-free and happy for the first time in a long time. Alhamdulillah is all i can say.
a picture from the day after i landed. i look so punjabi. 😠|
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