both sides of a smile :)

there's a weird discomfort spread all over my body where i had expected to feel a heaviness in my chest. i don't feel incomplete or like something's missing. it's uncomfortable.

i asked a friend what this means, and she said, in all caps, "PEACE."

-

i'm so used to chaos and pain and volatility that when things are calm and stable, i start losing my mind and getting scared. i'm on edge because good things don't happen to me. there's always something that goes wrong, and someone who tries to fuck things up for me.

so i'm not very familiar with the concept of peace or serenity. stability is not something i've ever known, but i've always thought it would be nice to have that in my life maybe. i think it's like an asymptote that i'll chase forever, but will never be able to achieve. and that's okay. my life wouldn't be as interesting as it is if not for the occasional mayhem.

ok, i'm being very vague. let's start from the beginning.

-

i'm going away for 3 weeks on the 10th of May. i'm very excited about my trip, because it's been a while since i've been back and it's always nice to see the people i love and adore so much. being back always helps ground me, because i'm literally going back to my roots. to the people who know me the best and care for me the most in this entire world. they understand me. being with them helps me find clarity, and myself.

it is not a secret that i've been grappling with a multitude of emotions over the last couple of weeks, maybe months. one situation has been constant and a persistent source of some very negative emotions. i really should've done what i did a long time ago, because i do feel like i wasted so much of my time being stubborn. but also, i saw it out on my own terms. i started it, i might as well be the one who finishes it when i'm being rational, you know what i mean?

it's funny that this started right before i left. it's even funnier that this ends right before i leave.

every time i leave Australia for a trip elsewhere, it's a hard reset on my life. the goal is to always leave the negative emotions and memories behind, and not carry that baggage with me to my homeland. that's my happy place. i'm not going to pollute it with discomfort.

there was a lot of unease that i had been experiencing with this situation and another one. there wasn't enough clarity, because turns out people never want to be straightforward if it means being vulnerable. while i can appreciate that it's not a very comfortable position to be in, being honest means that everyone's able to do right by themselves and each other. i don't want to play the guessing game. i like when everyone involved is on the same page about things.

communicate, people. it's not that hard.

anyway, i approached the easier situation first. expected a 10-minute text conversation but it unfortunately turned into a 3-hour call - which is fine by me because i do enjoy the person's company so much. it was so simple. i asked my questions and they told me how they felt, even though there was a bit of hesitance on their end. thought about the situation practically, accepted what they had to say, and realised that it was for the best. i don't think i felt very strongly about it to begin with. there was no room for confusion, even if there were nuances that i didn't take into account. the conclusion remains unaffected.

and that was that! yay, i don't have to worry about this anymore. i love when people make my life easy for me.

and then the waiting game.

-

maybe it wasn't the best time to do this, to be honest. the person in the other situation isn't having the best time of their life, and i did sort of drop it on them out of nowhere after a little time away.

i've done this one too many times with them, but i hope for both of our sake that this is the last time either of us have to do it ever again. i don't like the back and forth. i think having to maintain our relationship is more exhausting than it is fulfilling. my needs are never met. i can't sugarcoat it.

anyway, the conversation started rather pleasa-

actually, maybe it's worth delving into my thought process, and my motivations for making this decision first.

i think i've cried almost every day for the last couple months, except for the times when i didn't have them in my life. i cried then still, but i accepted and moved on. then i did it again. the emotional impact this person had on me is actually unreal. it felt like my mental health was hinging on my interactions with them, which isn't ideal. it is not at all healthy.

something about the inner child wanting to be accepted and unhealed trauma. whatever, man. i'm in therapy working on it now. LET ME BE.

last night was my breaking point. i saw something that was related to them on Instagram, and i absolutely lost it. felt like i was going crazy. good reason to, too.

what i was seeing was their life. that's who they are. and unfortunately for me, i'm not a part of what is such a huge part of them, and i never will be. they've managed to keep me very separate from that. i know nothing about their life or anyone in it. i don't even know which version of them is real, because i've not been allowed to get to know the other person. for all i know, they could be faking the version of themselves that they are around me.

and it makes me feel awful about myself that they'd keep me hidden like that, because i'm not something to be ashamed of or whatever. regardless of the type of relationship i have with you, you should be accepting of me and my existence in your life. not trying to erase any sign of me from it. erasure leads to feeling invisible and unheard. that's how i felt.

i also don't do well with what i perceive to be hypocrisy or duplicity. i don't like lies, so by extension, those are things i cannot tolerate. i don't know why i did for so long, but feelings are funny and confusing and they make you do silly things.

we weren't a thing and we were never going to be one, either. i just wish i had the courage to accept this a long time ago instead of hoping i could change their mind or something. that's so fucking stupid and naïve. i'm not in high school anymore.

so i pulled the plug. it was very chill, very easy. no hard feelings typa vibe.

okay, some hard feelings that i wasn't transparent about. i felt like they had been selfish throughout our relationship by allowing this to go on. they should've recognised what they can and can't do, and shouldn't have led me on. it's not like i wasn't clear about my intentions and my feelings from the very beginning. i wish they were, too.

but that's ok. what's done is done.

so now, i'm free! i'm going back home with zero attachments. leaving behind all these negative feelings and emotions and terrible memories here. all the times spent crying and feeling like shit. feeling like i'm worthless and unloveable and not built for anyone to want long-term anything with me. i'm leaving them all behind, hopefully.

shit's going to hit the fan again, by the way. that's the way of my life.

but! that's okay. i'm getting help now. i'm doing better now. i've found my people now. they keep me grounded. they keep me rational. they keep me in check.

i will forever be grateful for my friends. some of the greatest people i've met have been due to completely impulsive decisions. i'm glad that happened.

also grateful for the friends that allow me to call them at random fucking hours - like the one that let me call him at midnight and stayed up with me until 4am as i worked through my feelings.

i'm going to be good. i'm going to be fine. it's a hard reset time.

i'm getting my control back. :)

# somedays will feel like this playlist, but you know what? it's okay.

i love sunsets because they signify another chance, another beginning, to me. can always start anew.