hours in silence

# someone else wrote about my feelings before i experienced them. this might help.

man.

i told my mum about you.

i told god about you.

i'd have conversations in my head about you.

i'd sit on the prayer mat and rant for hours about you.

fuck me, man. i really didn't deserve this one.

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i hate that i keep writing about this. i hate that i keep feeling some type of way about this. i hate that i am so embarrassed for what are some very human emotions. i would never judge someone else for being in my shoes and feeling this way, yet i can't seem to extend the same sort of kindness and generosity to myself. why must i hold myself to such unrealistic standards when all it does is hurt me?

if i turn myself away too, where am i meant to go?

والله قلبي ماني ناسي هالايام

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i struggle with processing my emotions a lot. my therapist likes to call it emotional dysregulation, whatever the fuck that means. it also doesn't help that i cycle through a billion and 1 emotions every 2 seconds, due to what is known as dysphoric mania. i'm supposed to be receiving treatment in the form of regular counselling and medication for it, not trying to live a normal life. i can't do a normal life. i'm fucking insane.

and then every once in a while, i meet people who seem to be accepting of all the baggage that i come with. the mood swings, the heavy weight of trauma around me, the unpredictability. they don't normally see it, because i do a good job at shielding most people from it, but some people tend to get the worse version of it than others.

suddenly i'm transported back to being 14, hoping i'd get into a car accident or break my arm or something tragic would happen to me so people would care about me without me having to beg. it's funny because i used to try to injure myself intentionally. i still do, i just call it a boxer's injury to stave off any concern.

i used to be so full of life, man. then i discovered pretty privilege and invested all of my energy into being "hot" (not beautiful) and fucked myself over. i am visible because i am easy on the eye. i am visible so people can observe factors that i cannot control. and once i've served that purpose, i'm done. i'm seen, not heard. i'm not there. i might as well just be a mannequin.

stop doing this to me. please. i am more than just a "pretty face" who says some out of pocket things and entertains you. i am a whole human being with my own feelings and emotions. i get sad and i get depressed more often than i am happy. i have some very fucked up coping mechanisms which include self-harm, something i resorted to again last night because i didn't know what else to do.

look at what your perception of me is doing to me. i don't want to be desired. i don't want people to want to experience me and then move on to build their lives with other people. please want to be in my life, and please want me in yours. please care.

to be fair, that's a big ask. i don't allow people to care. i don't give you any context, and push you away quicker than i invite you in. what a fucking paradox. i don't know what to do anymore.

i really want to die. i feel so abandoned by god.

and i had that conversation with my mum today. holding back tears, i asked her why god would ever allow any of this to happen to me. yes, i am a sinner. yes, i don't pray 5 times a day. yes, i wear clothing that gives away more of my body than it should. yes, i engage in conversations i have no business engaging in. yes, i give in to my temptations.

but hey, isn't god meant to be all forgiving? all seeing? understanding? the most merciful? 

i am but only his creation. how could he allow one of his creations to hurt another? and for this long, too?

believe me, i am no stranger to rejection. it's not like things haven't worked out with people before (very well documented if you want to go through my blog or have a conversation with me in person). i can very well deal with someone not wanting me romantically - just happened to me with someone else a couple days ago.

what sucks is being rejected and then still being encouraged to continue having feelings in a way. being led on -- that's what i'm trying to say. what sucks even more is when you're rejected for being the person that you are. has nothing to do with what you look like, or the attraction not being present. it hinges solely on the actual you being rejected.

women like me? we're meant to be seen, not heard. we exist to please and entertain, because fuck our feelings, am i right?

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i don't know where i was going with this to be honest. i just have a lot of emotions right now and i don't even know where to begin to unpack them. i'm hoping this trip back home means that i can reset my life. i just need one more chance to fix things for me.

no more love for me. no more allowing people in for me. i'd take loneliness over whatever the fuck this is any day.

sorry i'm actually an awful photographer and only have sunsets in my gallery - had to really fish for this one :)

# some songs that i think are relevant here, some more than the others - meet in the middle by eve hewson x joseph gordon-levitt, asal mein by darshan raval, last time i saw you by nicki minaj, wanted you by nav x lil uzi vert, hours in silence by drake x 21 savage, husn by anuv jain, galbi by saint levant, laree choote by the bassicks x kartik chandna and call me by nav x metro boomin