What A Time

I have uni starting in like 10 days and I am still sick. It's gotten significantly worse over the last couple of days, which is insane to me considering that I've tried everything to get better. Except go to a doctor. Which is fine; I'm going tomorrow. I'll be okay.

Sickness means more time spent resting in bed. Less distractions, unless you count Candy Crush, and more time to think. More time to think means easier to go down rabbit holes of nostalgia. Not a good place to be, especially when you're sick. Makes you feel like shit both physically and mentally.

I've been reading a lot more recently. Finished one book, restarted 2 more, knowing full well that I also have 472390172 other things to do. So much work that I'm ghosting because of how awful I feel. I can't remember the last time I was this sick.

Still, it feels nice to be around people who care so much about me. It feels nice to be wanted for who I am and allowed to exist. It feels nice to let other people take care of me and be able to switch my brain off. I like not having to think too much because I trust the people I'm with. It's a nice feeling when I feel safe.

:)

# A relevant playlist - blues :) someone's already got this saved and it's PISSING me off 😭 Spotify please let me see the people who stalk me 🙏

I love listening to What A Time because there's this line where she goes,

"You clinged to my body like you wanted it forever

What a lie, what a lie, what a lie"

REAL.

I want to elaborate on that but I'm starting to get tired of me, too. How much can a person yap about the same thing? Turns out, the answer is a lot. I am proof.

I'll still mention it - these lyrics remind me of the very first time that you hugged / held me. I don't think I had ever been held that tightly in my life. I thought my lungs were going to give way the way I could barely breathe by then. It was incredibly nice, and I felt myself relax slightly. Just had a lingering fear that you would hurt me. Guess I should've listened to myself then!

But to be fair, I think it's fair of me to still talk about it considering just how much of an emotional impact this phase had on me. It went on for such a long time -- you can't just expect me to shut up in 2 weeks. I've gotten significantly better at not thinking about this anyway. I'm learning to accept and live with the... grief? I'm not sure how to label the emotion.

When I sit down and reflect, it's more nostalgia than a negative feeling now. A friend said that my soul is tired of having done the same thing over and over again, which, true! And because there's a split between my ideal self and the person I am, I constantly hear my ideal self tell me that I am wasting my time and energy thinking about it. Not only that, but I also realise that it's gone on for too long and honestly, time to move on. Something about crying over spilt milk or whatever. Apologies, English is a third language. :)

I hope you're doing well, however you define that word. I hope you're coping fine and things are working out for you. However, I really do hope that I never hear anything about it. I would very much like to not remember you and only be reminded when someone mentions you offhandedly and think to myself, "Oh, that was a thing. Oh, he exists."

A friend sent me a video of you today and got really, really angry, because she does not like the person that you were in my life. I think people tend to forget that there exists as many versions of us as there are people in this world. Every person knows us differently, although some traits remain consistent. You can be labelled as either good or bad, depending on the majority of your interactions.

Maybe there was something wholly wrong with me, which is why I got the worst of you. It tracks - everyone else seems to only have good things to say about you. So much that they're quick to put the blame on me to save you.

You remember that, don't you?

Anyway, that's very much in the past. You are too. There's no point going digging around for all these old stories trying to find new ways to hurt myself. Some things will always stick with me, but I'm sure that I'll learn to live with them. You were always confident in my ability to. I still remember that conversation we had on that fateful day. Never had I ever heard more generic bullshit in my life, by the way. I think I deserved a little better than that. A little more transparency and emotional honesty, maybe. Not a fucking brick wall.

I do mean it when I say that I don't get as upset over you anymore. A little angry, maybe, but that's more directed towards me than you. It's not like I didn't know the type of person you were when I was getting into this. It was rather naïve of me to hope that you'd get better. My stubbornness was my undoing in the end.

It's all water under the bridge. I just hope I never see you ever again, but I hope memories of me, and the pain you caused me, haunt you for the rest of your life. :)

bro hurt me so bad i had to take a flight and leave the country smh