main character syndrome

# Update - I've found my flip phone. We're back. ## Title is a lie if you still have my number but I LOST MY FLIP PHONE. only FaceTime now :( GUYS. I CANNOT SHUT UP. IT'S AN ACTUAL PROBLEM. I always have so much to say. I can't stop talking. I have to speak to people in person / over text, and then document my feelings in detail on this blog or in a journal. It's so bad. The fact that people are still willing to read or listen is insane to me. If that was me, I would've called it quits so long ago. Speaking of which, last night, I did. I finally pulled the plug and walked out. I want to begin by saying that that was perhaps one of the harder things I've had to do in my life. I've never been the type to act, just react. People do things and then I react to what they've done. It's unlike me to make a move, especially one as permanent as what I did. The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I did what I did and if it was even the right thing...

do you know why i write a blog instead of talking to people? it's because they suck. let me explain. one could argue that my writing this blog is me talking to people, which, kind of true, but i don't really have expectations from people who do end up reading these. i don't expect anyone to read this to begin with - the bar is in hell. the fact that some do? yeah, i don't know what mandem are on. talking to people, however, is completely different. when you're having a conversation, you expect them to say something. you expect them to listen to you and empathise. you expect them to care. but you expect them to actually be there to begin with. i was told that i could "talk to [them] whenever you need to. [they'll] always be here for you." every single person in my life has said this to me. "call me whenever." "text me if you need something." to be fair to them, they didn't say that they'd be available. they just ask me to tak...

Missing my family got me crying on my commute to work lol. Hardest time of the year to be away from them. Ramadan is always so lovely, but I’m not able to celebrate it with them at all. I see funky things, do crazier stuff, but I have to wait until they’re awake or I’m available to tell them. They’d have so many things to say about my listening to Bayoshkop at midday. People don’t realise how lucky / blessed they are if they get to be with their families still. I don’t realise how blessed I am that I still have my own set, alive and waiting for me to come back. Can’t wait to go back, even if for the briefest period of time. I miss my land and I miss my people. Even if I build a life here, this place will never be my own. Bangladesh will always be home. That’s where my heart is. absolutely cannot wait to go back

তাহলে মনে হয় বাংলায় লেখার সময় এসে গিয়েছে আবার। বাজে রাতের ১১টা। কাল দুপুর ১টা থেকে আমার কাজ আছে। পরশু একটা পরীক্ষা। একটু আগে ভাবছিলাম হয়তো জিমে যাবো, কিন্তু কি হল জানিনা - এখন আমি আমার রুমের ফ্লোরে বসে আছি। আজকাল জানিনা কি হচ্ছে আমার সাথে। কিছু না হলেও কিছু নিয়ে চিন্তা করি আর ভেঙ্গে পরি। মাঝে মাঝে তো কোন চিন্তাও আসে না। কাজের মাঝখানে চোখ থেকে টলটল করে পানি পরা শুরু করে। থামাতে পারিনা এখন আর। ভেবেছিলাম হয়তো আল্লাহ্‌র উপর বিশ্বাস ছেঁড়ে দিলে আস্তে আস্তে সব ভালো হয়ে যাবে। বিশ্বাস কর, আমি না অনেক চেষ্টা করছি। আমি নামাজ আদায় করার চেষ্টা করি। যেভাবে চলার কথা সেভাবে চলার চেষ্টা করছি। তাহলে তবুও এতো দুঃখ কেন? আসে কোথার থেকে? প্রতি রাতে বিছানায় শুয়ে খালি চিন্তা করতে থাকি নিজের জীবন নিয়ে। চেষ্টা তো করে যাচ্ছি, কিন্তু আমি জানিনা কখনো কি আসলেই successful হবো নাকি। আমি না সত্যিই চাই না আমার পরিবার কে disappoint করতে, কিন্তু আজকাল মনে হচ্ছে যতই চেষ্টা করি না কেন, তা আমি থামাতে পারব না। অনেক প্রশ্ন আমার। আমি কেন? কোন জনমের পাপের প্রায়শ্চিত্ত করছি আমি? এইটাকেই হয়তো ইংরেজরা "ডিপ্রেশন" বলে। আমা...

if someone has any tips on moving on, please let me know. i never learned how to get over anything ever. there is no way in hell that i'm sobbing while my friend sleeps peacefully next to me. i genuinely believed being around other people and spending time away would help with my head, but i think i just carry my sorrows with me no matter where i go. i can't escape it. it's a never-ending hell. and tomorrow is another day. i'll be commuting to work, then making my way home. hopefully watching some lectures and catching up on the massive backlog of work that i should really get to as soon as is possible. i'm going to be so fine again. as always, i'll be at my best. 10/10. happy and smiling every damn time. saw pictures of myself on my society's page by the way. i look so incredibly happy, laughing at something i can't even remember. i hate the pictures. i hate everything about me in them. what i hate the most is how unlike myself i felt that day, but no o...

Batman's really been going through it, no joke. I've been falling ill more often recently. I called in sick to work on Monday because I went to sleep at 5AM after finally submitting an assignment that was long overdue. I woke up at 7, in time for work, but the thought of having to see people was making my head spin and I wanted to throw up. The stress and anxiety was getting to me. My deteriorating mental health has been manifesting itself in physical symptoms. It's been getting worse. I absolutely spiralled that day. I also didn't have that many people who I could speak to, and it felt like any minute now, I was going to crumble into tiny little pieces. Thoughts of suicide have been more common again recently as well. I haven't been wanting to actively commit, but I've thought that maybe waking up the next day wouldn't be too bad. Could hang myself. Could cut myself. Could jump in front of a moving car right now. I almost did too. The more I try to sort thi...

# This is for me to look back on at the end of the term. I currently have 15-20 hours of lectures that I need to watch. Quite a few hours of tutorial content that I need to review as well, and I genuinely cannot be bothered to do it at all. It is a struggle to focus, which is quite upsetting because I think I enjoy the content, but I'm unable to get myself to do what I need to. My problem is that I get distracted too easily. Too many stimuli - maybe having Discord running in the background is not the play. So I'm sat here writing this. I have quite a few long term goals for myself, but the way I'm going, I'm not really doing much work towards them. I do want a yacht. I want a jet, too. Probably a rocket at some point, but I'm not too fussed about it. I like earth. But most importantly, I want to be able to do something for the people that I care about. I don't think I've talked about this much publicly; even in private, I try to keep it as brief as possible,...