i wish things were different

if someone has any tips on moving on, please let me know. i never learned how to get over anything ever.

there is no way in hell that i'm sobbing while my friend sleeps peacefully next to me. i genuinely believed being around other people and spending time away would help with my head, but i think i just carry my sorrows with me no matter where i go. i can't escape it. it's a never-ending hell.

and tomorrow is another day. i'll be commuting to work, then making my way home. hopefully watching some lectures and catching up on the massive backlog of work that i should really get to as soon as is possible. i'm going to be so fine again. as always, i'll be at my best. 10/10. happy and smiling every damn time.

saw pictures of myself on my society's page by the way. i look so incredibly happy, laughing at something i can't even remember. i hate the pictures. i hate everything about me in them. what i hate the most is how unlike myself i felt that day, but no one could tell. every second i wanted to throw up. living in my own flesh and skin made me feel like i was committing a crime. i wanted to exit that body suit so bad.

i like cars. i want to drive one off a bridge.

i keep hearing the same words in my head over and over again. "even if i was looking for something, this wouldn't be it." those words came out of nowhere. said in such a casual manner as though they didn't have the same strength as a dagger through my heart. and i know that we decided to give this friendship thing a shot. maybe we'll figure it out this time, who knows?

i just can't move past the hurt. at all. i have never had anyone rip my heart out in the middle of an actual street and stomp on it the way you did. that was completely unnecessary and so uncalled for. i did not deserve that one bit.

never felt more used in my life.

never felt more replaceable in my life.

never felt more unloveable in my life. ever.

i don't know who hurt you, but you did not have the right to hurt me the way you did that day. taking out someone else's anger on me was not fair to me. treating me the way you did because of personal issues was not fair to me. hurting me was not fair to me.

i have never, not even once, asked for more than the barest of the bare. i tried to make myself so incredibly small and invisible for you, because i adored and cared for you. i kept negotiating with myself and making compromises so i could keep you. i should never have done that. i don't know why i'm still doing that. you're hurting me even when you're not here. i can't stop thinking about what happened, even though we've seemingly fixed things.

fuck me man. where the fuck did i go wrong?

maybe you're right. maybe we can't get this right because it's us. or maybe it's you. maybe we will crash and burn again. maybe we're just toxic together.

however, giveon said it better than i ever will.

i don't know where we go from here. my heart feels heavy, and i don't think it will ever stop being this way, regardless of what happens. i have context, and i know things now, but my reality hasn't changed - you did what you did that day, you are who you were, and you made me feel the way you did. not even once did you consider me when you made any of those decisions. you didn't consider the impact of your actions. it makes me so angry; was i never worth a second thought?

i wish an apology could fix this. nothing would make me happier than forgiving and forgetting. i just can't. it makes me cry every night.

i wanted to go to Banksy w/ you, but i ended up going w/ other people. this is us.

ya allah, i have no idea what i'm doing or where i'm going. i'm tired and i'm drained and i'm struggling to keep things going. i've exhausted all my options and i still can't fucking win.

please send an angel. i really need a win. i don't know how much more of this i have left in me.