hello

do you know why i write a blog instead of talking to people?

it's because they suck.

let me explain.

one could argue that my writing this blog is me talking to people, which, kind of true, but i don't really have expectations from people who do end up reading these. i don't expect anyone to read this to begin with - the bar is in hell. the fact that some do? yeah, i don't know what mandem are on.

talking to people, however, is completely different. when you're having a conversation, you expect them to say something. you expect them to listen to you and empathise. you expect them to care. but you expect them to actually be there to begin with.

i was told that i could "talk to [them] whenever you need to. [they'll] always be here for you." every single person in my life has said this to me. "call me whenever." "text me if you need something." to be fair to them, they didn't say that they'd be available. they just ask me to take action. i guess i heard more than they actually said.

my reason for yelling and crying and sobbing and wailing tonight is that yet another person, or a group of people, have let me down. i've been going through a depressive phase recently, and right when i felt it coming, i messaged someone who said that they'd like to / want to be a "real one" to me, and told them that i could feel a massive depressive phase incoming. i didn't get a response from them, but i wasn't expecting one, either, because they said that they were going to "disconnect' from the world.

great, i thought. at least we'd talk about this when they came back. i wasn't fussed.

then i fbi'd too hard and found out that they weren't actually disconnecting. they were every bit active as they used to be. i just wasn't seeing it.

it's not like they didn't see my message, by the way. the notification went through 100%. their break is definitely very important, and i gave it more importance than my own feelings, i think. i just didn't expect them to just disappear when i actually needed them.

and this wasn't the first time, either! i'm thinking about it now and i remember when i was having a massive breakdown quite a while ago. i messaged them then too, and they said that they didn't think it was bad enough for me to need them around. apparently they felt shit about airing my message and never following up.

fool me once, shame on you.

fool me twice, can't put the blame on you.

this one's on me. i should never have counted on you to be who you said you were going to be. false promises over, and over, and over again. i bought the lies.

YOU said that you could do this. YOU said that this is what i should expect from you. YOU laid out your conditions and i accepted them. then why did you let me down again?

people never keep their promises. people never see their commitments through.

i texted another person to talk about this, but i started with are you busy and they said that they were, so i told them that it's whatever and dodged it. they asked me if i was ok, and i lied, but they left it at that and just asked me to let them know if something's up. i'm never going to do that.

i called another person while i was writing this, and also started by asking if they're busy. they said yes first, but realised something was off and changed their answer, asking me what's happening. i wasn't going to steal my friend's time and burden them with any of this, so i lied again and said that i just sounded off because of a cold. they believed me, and i sensed the slightest hint of relief in their voice. perhaps because they believed i was fine. maybe because they were glad they wouldn't have to spend another 30 mins listening to me drone on about things.

i treat people the way i want to be treated, but i think there's no value in doing that. i've only rarely gotten the same treatment back from other people. just been treating me like dirt. like i'm worth nothing. most people don't even spare me a second thought. i know that because i've witnessed it.

maybe the secret to living a good life is to disconnect completely. when i say disconnect, i mean just fucking disappear. i don't need to know anyone. i don't need people to know me. what good is a friend if they're not there when you need someone to lean on? i've been doing this all by myself; everyone's just around when the good parts come around.

i don't exist to entertain. i'm fucking done with interpersonal relationships. i don't see any value in maintaining them anymore.

-

oh silly girl. expecting things from people only to break your own heart.

screaming and crying into the void, just like jcole on the track hello, aye?