Texts Go Green

# Update - I've found my flip phone. We're back.

## Title is a lie if you still have my number but I LOST MY FLIP PHONE. only FaceTime now :(

GUYS.

I CANNOT SHUT UP.

IT'S AN ACTUAL PROBLEM.

I always have so much to say. I can't stop talking. I have to speak to people in person / over text, and then document my feelings in detail on this blog or in a journal. It's so bad. The fact that people are still willing to read or listen is insane to me. If that was me, I would've called it quits so long ago.

Speaking of which, last night, I did. I finally pulled the plug and walked out.

I want to begin by saying that that was perhaps one of the harder things I've had to do in my life. I've never been the type to act, just react. People do things and then I react to what they've done. It's unlike me to make a move, especially one as permanent as what I did.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder why I did what I did and if it was even the right thing to do. I just said my piece and left it at that. Didn't even give them an opportunity to see and react. Respond maybe. Make a case for themselves.

I'm thinking about it and wondering if maybe I shouldn't have done that. If maybe I should've discussed my decision before imposing it on them and calling it quits. I don't know what was left to discuss, though. We've been through this so many times. I know exactly what they would've said, how they would've said it, how they would've felt, and I know how I would've reacted every time.

Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I just self-sabotage a lot.

But I spent a lot of time waiting and asking to be treated like a human being instead of dirt. I should've walked away a long time ago, but I didn't. This, all of this, is a result of my inaction. I don't even know what it is that I was choosing to see that made this sense in my head back then.

Let's start from the beginning.

walked past this place for the first time since that day and it fucked me up

My going ghost mode wasn't something I did out of nowhere. It was a decision I made after I felt a depressive episode coming on again. Bipolar II will do that to you. It's not fun, but I'm still alive, so I can't complain too much.

I've already talked about what happened, sort of, here, so I'm not going to go over it again. I mulled over what I found out for a while, and thought that maybe I'd wait until after Eid to do this. Discuss how I felt. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Surely it's not as it appears.

Except it was. I couldn't make excuses. I was out here crying my eyes out because I was going through hell, and someone I had counted on to be there for me had abandoned me yet again. It wouldn't have affected me if they would have just been upfront with me. Tell me that you don't care about me or can't be there for me. Don't pretend otherwise. It's a shitty thing to do to another person.

It got to the point where I was actively hurting myself. I went almost a year without doing that but then it happened again. The pain and grief had manifested itself into physical symptoms. The pain and grief that you caused me.

It's rather dramatic, if I'm being honest. And so silly, too, but I think it was just a culmination of everything that had been happening to me until that point that resulted in this. The abandonment and what I perceived to be zero care or concern for me was just the cherry on top. I looked at myself and realised how bad it had gotten for me. Wake up call, in a way, and decided that that had to be it. I had to get out. We're still the same people and nothing has changed except time. We're going to end up running it back again. I couldn't do that to either of us.

This is probably where I am the asshole. I said a couple things, including telling them that I wasn't ever going to forgive them for some of the things that they've put me through. I explained why I wanted to call it quits, told them that they were the problem, and said that I hoped Allah treats them the way they treated me. Now what that last part means depends on how they take it - if they think they treated me right, then I hope Allah treats them right. Otherwise, I hope they feel how they made me feel every step of the way.

I hope the guilt eats them alive.

I felt betrayed and wronged. It made me feel like someone had taken a knife, stabbed me right where my heart is, and then twisted that ever so slowly. Never thought I'd experience emotional pain as excruciating as that one.

Now that it's over, I look back at it differently, and see completely different things. I feel that they were very selfish from the beginning, something that they said they were. I'm not sure why I ignored that. It would've saved me a lot of time and heartbreak.

I existed only to play the role of a court jester in their life. It's difficult to feel differently and think that it was ever anything more than that. Used like a toy to play with when bored. Makes me feel rather disgusted.

I'm going to have so many moments of wanting to go back and take back everything. Find a way to course correct because attachment is a vicious thing. I just really hope I don't, because when I really think about it, all this did to me was take a lot of emotional energy without much in return. I gained nothing, just almost lost myself in the process.

We could've gotten it right. We could've made this work. You were just set in your ways and too stubborn to listen. We can't get this right because it's us and we haven't changed at all. I can't fix this all on my own.

Relationships, of every nature, require compromise. They're a lot of work and understanding. Maybe one day you'll understand this. It's a shame that I won't be around for that.

Could've had the best time together. Now you got me feeling like Drake on Take Care.

# Will update with pictures later. My photography is unable to keep up with my writing. I suck at both though.