on stress and anxiety (and other things)

Batman's really been going through it, no joke.

I've been falling ill more often recently. I called in sick to work on Monday because I went to sleep at 5AM after finally submitting an assignment that was long overdue. I woke up at 7, in time for work, but the thought of having to see people was making my head spin and I wanted to throw up. The stress and anxiety was getting to me. My deteriorating mental health has been manifesting itself in physical symptoms. It's been getting worse.

I absolutely spiralled that day. I also didn't have that many people who I could speak to, and it felt like any minute now, I was going to crumble into tiny little pieces. Thoughts of suicide have been more common again recently as well. I haven't been wanting to actively commit, but I've thought that maybe waking up the next day wouldn't be too bad. Could hang myself. Could cut myself. Could jump in front of a moving car right now. I almost did too.

The more I try to sort this out, the worse it seems to get. I don't want to keep doing this day in, day out. The stream of work is nonstop and the number of things I have to be responsible for does not seem to want to end. It feels like I'm sacrificing myself to achieve some long-term goals. People say that it's the journey that matters, not the destination. I'm not sure if I agree, but if my destination is making me want to die, is that destination truly worth arriving at?

I tried taking a break. I said that this week was going to be my break.

My problem is that I don't know how to take a fucking break. A break is an excuse for me to do more work in the background, and for what? I don't fucking know. I feel like without work I'm going to lose my mind. Every day I become more like my dad, and while I know that he'd be so proud of me for still holding the fort down as well as I've been able to, I know that it would absolutely break his heart if he knew just how much of me I'm losing in the process.

For such a long time, I had hoped that I wouldn't become like him - he worked too much and never had time to do anything else. I realised at dinner yesterday that I've become a worse version of him.

I was sitting at the head of the table; not by choice, rather because we didn't have enough chairs on that table and I waited until everyone had taken a seat since I felt responsible. Afterwards, it was me placing the order and getting the bill (which I said I would - I had a discount). When I was sat, I was checking my emails and going through the work notifications that I either missed or aired due to other commitments. After I was done, it felt like I was trying to make sure everyone was having a good time from a distance. No one needed me to do that. No one asked me to do that. I have no idea why I assumed those roles.

Even today, I feel like I'm constantly trying to perform and live up to this standard that doesn't exist, but I always end up falling short. No matter what I do, I end up revisiting history and hating what I did. I critique myself and think about ways I could've done better, as though human behaviour is a test that I'm trying to ace. I'm not necessarily anxious about what other people think of me - I don't think of them enough to care. I am anxious about what the version of me that exists in my most lonely hours will have to say. She's rather harsh, not at all nice. She hurts me a lot, and I can never please her.

She's never happy.

I promise I'll learn how to actually edit at some point. I have a vision and one day I'll execute it.

I am quite proud of myself. I am recognising that I need help, and actively seeking it out. Not because I wanted to, but because I was forced into getting help by the amazing friends that I have, and also technically the government. I dropped a course that was a major source of stress for me. I sorted out some paperwork that I probably should've gotten to a long time ago. I have set up an inital appointment with a counsellor after a referral from a psychiatrist. I am doing everything that I possibly can to make sure that I don't end up doing something no one can bring me back from.

I am proud of myself for a couple other things, too. I know what it's like in my head, and the fact that I've somehow managed to stay afloat despite it all, and kept up this ruse for as long as I have, is an insane feat. Even today, no one would know exactly what is happening with me if I never chose to say a word about it. I've kept up with almost everything that I was meant to keep up with, and haven't let anyone down - at least not as far as I know.

I am quite hardworking, I think. I say that I'm just doing my job, but shouldering as many responsibilities as I do, and going above and beyond for these roles even when I don't need to - I think that's worth commending. But if you ever used this word to describe me, I'd fucking murder you. I can't deal with good things about myself.

I live alone, which means if I don't do things, my chores don't get done. It means that I don't have the luxury of not cooking. It means that I have to make sure I'm on top of bills.

I work too, so that I can pay my rent and bills. I am grateful for my dad because I can take a break and have him pay for them, but I'm too stubborn to allow him to fund anything else ever again when I'm able-bodied. My stubbornness means that I'm working ~20 hours every week, on top of societies and full time uni.

I am trying to make my mark and create my own identity in this country. I came here not knowing many people, and definitely not knowing if I could even make it past the first term alive. I'm still here, writing this, so I definitely have been doing something right.

There are more things that I do in the background than I can put down here. I am the oldest, and I am a woman. I don't have a brother, so almost everything family related is on me. I am also the first (and only woman) in my family to have moved abroad to study. It's a massive fucking privilege, and I do not take it lightly. One wrong step could have ripple effects for generations to come. I need to watch what I do. I need to excel.

Maybe I am likeable, or at least put myself in more situations where I'm able to meet new people, so I have more close connections than I can count. I am perhaps more sensitive to emotions than most, which means I am trusted with conversations. More people to keep up with. More people to care for. I have no idea how I have the emotional capacity for any of this, if I'm being honest. Maybe I don't. I'm pretty sure I'm running on reserve right now.

Responsible, hardworking - what else?

Incredibly self-aware, maybe? I'm not sure what else is appropriate here.

Double-edged sword here, though. I've been told that hearing about my life makes other people feel terrible about theirs, because they either don't have the things / opportunities / privileges that I do, or just don't feel like they're doing enough because I'm doing too much. I can't fucking win.

-

Batman's been struggling an incredible amount, more than she imagined that she was going to. But the thing is, Batman's fucking Batman. She has tremendous main character energy. An incredibly strong personality, apparently. She commands attention in big groups and it's difficult to not focus.

The fact that Batman hasn't died yet, and is still somehow thriving? Yeah, that's proof that she's the main character and has plot armour.

I'm going to come out of this year very bruised, drained, and probably incredibly burned out, but I promise that I'll be better for it. This is my year, even if it's taking everything to survive. I will achieve the goals that I've set out to - I'm already doing incredibly well with the one that was my main focus.

Next step - funding a solo vacation to Europe.

I'm ngl I looked WAYYY too fucking good that day. Did forget to do the entire curly girl thing oopsie.

# Sorry if this doesn't read too well. I just wrote whatever came to my head and I cbbs rewriting / fixing / refining.