main character syndrome

# i really just wanted to write something. something about 10,000 hours and skill-building. i have my first exam on the 20th, and then the next on the 27th. after that, i'm fucking off to Japan with my beautiful boy for 2 weeks, separating on our way back as i fly to Bangkok and he comes back home, finally wrapping up what i expect to be a very exhausting trip on the 17th. - i have always lived my life in constant motion. well, "always" is lying, because i slowed down considerably after meeting my beautiful boy. he's helped me find balance and bring back order into my life, and organised my chaos so i don't get so overwhelmed and burned out so quickly. he's taught me to enjoy a cup of actual coffee; i used to eat the powder straight from jars before, now i'm a proud owner of an anko espresso machine. i've learned to enjoy the process of making breakfast as much as i enjoy eating it in the end. he's helped me find peace in the quiet, where before on...

the title has nothing to do with my beautiful boy. him and i are still going strong. fuck you. i am not going to pretend like i have not been deeply emotionally scarred by a situationship i had almost a year ago now. it is not something i try to keep secret at all; i've written about the relationship (or lack thereof) extensively and it is something that affects me even to this day. this person, who i will call POS for the rest of this essay, somewhat knows about the pain that he has caused me, but to this day, i do not think i have gotten an honest apology and an acknowledgement of the pain i have been put through, and that fucks with me a lot. it was a bad romance, and as chatgpt put it, i am mourning the version of myself that wanted so badly to be loved by POS. it never happened, and honestly, i am so glad it didn't. i would've never known better existed if i settled for POS. - my brilliant boy, who i will refer to as LOML for the rest of this essay, left to go back hom...

i got off a call with my boyfriend and then tried to cut myself. i don't understand why i hate myself so much. - it appears that i can't stop trying to kill myself no matter how hard i try. my head has been in a bad place recently, and i've been having a few health issues as well. i have been aggressively denying how depressed i am, but there was no point to it -- it managed to catch up with me anyway. my partner left to go stay with his family for a bit yesterday since his mum's leaving on a trip soon. this was planned, but i had an absolute fit over it for multiple reasons. one, i am currently home all by myself (my sister's overseas). i don't do well with being home by myself because i get very paranoid. i also spend my days just sleeping because of my depression. i will do anything but the task at hand. i struggle with executive dysfunction, so my house gets messier by the day and i do jackshit to address it. mine is an ingredients household, so if i don...

Does anyone even read this anymore? - The last time I wrote something, it was me talking about how much I love this beautiful boy of mine. No one ever told me how much falling in love with the right person would change my life for the better. I have had the most magical 5 months ever, spending all of these moments filled with laughter and joy and quiet and love with him, and now I’ve got to spend 3 weeks away from him because I need to fuck off to the States. How unfortunate. - I didn’t think it was possible, but I’ve managed to fall even more in love than before. It’s like when you’re falling in your sleep, and it scares you because you don’t know if there’s anything at the bottom to cushion your fall. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I’m not so scared of what’s there at the bottom anymore. I just believe he will be there to catch me before I hit the ground. Faith, that’s a weird one. Never in my life did I ever imagine that I would surrender all control over to someone else, and allow them to...

I'm restarting writing this because I hated what I came up with originally. This one's for the love of my life. - If you know me, or have ever read a single thing that I've written over the past 2 years, then you would know that I have an extremely chaotic life. I'm constantly rushing to get from one thing to another. I never slow down to take things in, because I don't have the time nor do I think I deserve to pause. I am constantly trying to do more, be better, prove myself, and achieve something. I've done so many things in my life and managed to achieve so much, but all of those are nothing in comparison to what I'm building here with this man. This is what I'm most proud of. Us together is what I'm most proud of. The last time I sat down to write about love, I remember remarking how I was never going to find it even though I hoped I would. I talked about how this feeling keeps eluding me, and how I could write about it for years on end without e...

Trying not to kill myself gets more and more difficult every day. This is a weird thing to say after what has been a pretty nice week, but I guess this is what depression is like. Summary of my week - a horrible long weekend, but went to class the next day and somehow understood things despite not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. Complimented random people. Random people complimented me. Had some really lovely, small conversations with people I will probably never see ever again. Had an insane conversation with a group of people I was never expecting to have said conversation with. Realised my work friend is just like me. Got tickets to Travis Scott. Got new clothes. Got a very important interview. Had a really good time in general. But on the flip side, I've barely been eating 1 meal a day. I eat small items and call it a day because I have run out of food at home and grocery shopping is a chore. My room's starting to look like a mess again and all I have to d...

man, no one loves holidays more than me. no one hates holidays more than me, either. - one of the greatest things about living by yourself is that you're not answerable to anyone. you get to do what you want to, when  you want to. i just had melted chocolate for dinner and that was OK, because i make the rules. the worst thing about living alone though is that there's no one to take care of you. you're on your own here. if you make a mess, it's up to you to clean it up. sick and tired and need to eat? you gotta get up and cook. some days, you don't have anyone to talk to, either. that's what this one's about. my sister and flatmate are currently in Canberra. i was going to go too, but i have work that i wanted to get done. also, i just really like being alone.  i've had the apartment to myself since Friday, which is pretty fucking sick. i don't have to talk to anyone if i don't want to, can blast music at full volume whenever, have the kitchen al...

# This one is incredibly intense and raw. I would recommend skipping, but if you do read, please don't judge me for this. :) The world might not have ended when I decided we were done, but it definitely feels like it did. I might just be living in a nightmare. It's been a month since, and even today the smallest things will trigger me and make me cry until my chest hurts. I had never known pain like this. Congratulations, you achieved exactly what you set out to. My parents protected me for 21 years, and you undid all of the work all these people collectively put into me in a matter of months. You must be so proud. Did you know that I hate when people look at me now? I know that look, those eyes. It makes my skin crawl. It's like I'm being reduced to nothing but a toy. You did that. You made me feel that way over and over, and denied it every time. Even when my girlfriends tell me I look good, I wish I didn't. I wish they wouldn't tell me that and I wish people ...

I am so upset that all I want to do is run to my mum and have her run her hands through my hair. I want to rest and I just want my family around me. I don't want to do anything, see anything, hear anything. I just want them here with me, right now. This is so incredibly stupid. I turned 22 a couple days ago and it was the worst birthday I've had in recent memory. I spent the entire weekend sleeping because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate - depression will do that to you. It also didn't help that it felt like a repeat of that time I turned 19, when everyone  forgot my birthday. Ok, everyone is a bit of a stretch, but I was thoroughly disappointed. I won't delve too deep into that, though, because that is not the point of this post today. The point is that I've been living life on hard mode and I have refused to admit it ever since it was pointed out to me. "Hard mode" for me doesn't necessarily mean financial hardships or resource constraints, ...