Posts

on struggling (and other things)

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Trying not to kill myself gets more and more difficult every day. This is a weird thing to say after what has been a pretty nice week, but I guess this is what depression is like. Summary of my week - a horrible long weekend, but went to class the next day and somehow understood things despite not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to be doing. Complimented random people. Random people complimented me. Had some really lovely, small conversations with people I will probably never see ever again. Had an insane conversation with a group of people I was never expecting to have said conversation with. Realised my work friend is just like me. Got tickets to Travis Scott. Got new clothes. Got a very important interview. Had a really good time in general. But on the flip side, I've barely been eating 1 meal a day. I eat small items and call it a day because I have run out of food at home and grocery shopping is a chore. My room's starting to look like a mess again and all I have to d
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long weekend

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man, no one loves holidays more than me. no one hates holidays more than me, either. - one of the greatest things about living by yourself is that you're not answerable to anyone. you get to do what you want to, when  you want to. i just had melted chocolate for dinner and that was OK, because i make the rules. the worst thing about living alone though is that there's no one to take care of you. you're on your own here. if you make a mess, it's up to you to clean it up. sick and tired and need to eat? you gotta get up and cook. some days, you don't have anyone to talk to, either. that's what this one's about. my sister and flatmate are currently in Canberra. i was going to go too, but i have work that i wanted to get done. also, i just really like being alone.  i've had the apartment to myself since Friday, which is pretty fucking sick. i don't have to talk to anyone if i don't want to, can blast music at full volume whenever, have the kitchen al
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My Personal Hell

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# This one is incredibly intense and raw. I would recommend skipping, but if you do read, please don't judge me for this. :) The world might not have ended when I decided we were done, but it definitely feels like it did. I might just be living in a nightmare. It's been a month since, and even today the smallest things will trigger me and make me cry until my chest hurts. I had never known pain like this. Congratulations, you achieved exactly what you set out to. My parents protected me for 21 years, and you undid all of the work all these people collectively put into me in a matter of months. You must be so proud. Did you know that I hate when people look at me now? I know that look, those eyes. It makes my skin crawl. It's like I'm being reduced to nothing but a toy. You did that. You made me feel that way over and over, and denied it every time. Even when my girlfriends tell me I look good, I wish I didn't. I wish they wouldn't tell me that and I wish people
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Weight of the World

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I am so upset that all I want to do is run to my mum and have her run her hands through my hair. I want to rest and I just want my family around me. I don't want to do anything, see anything, hear anything. I just want them here with me, right now. This is so incredibly stupid. I turned 22 a couple days ago and it was the worst birthday I've had in recent memory. I spent the entire weekend sleeping because I couldn't bring myself to celebrate - depression will do that to you. It also didn't help that it felt like a repeat of that time I turned 19, when everyone  forgot my birthday. Ok, everyone is a bit of a stretch, but I was thoroughly disappointed. I won't delve too deep into that, though, because that is not the point of this post today. The point is that I've been living life on hard mode and I have refused to admit it ever since it was pointed out to me. "Hard mode" for me doesn't necessarily mean financial hardships or resource constraints,
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22

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I obviously haven't had much time to write recently, with life events getting in the way. But I'm turning 22 in just over an hour, so I thought I'd sit down and continue this tradition of reflecting on my year. I skipped training for this one, so you know it's important. - I can't remember the last time I hated a birthday as much as this one. There's not a single thing to look forward to. Things keep being added to my plate as I get older, and it doesn't get easier. I don't have the excuse of being young to hide behind anymore. If I fuck up, that could be disastrous for a lot of people and not just me. I have to be responsible now. I don't have the option to run away. The amount of dread has been growing as the date approaches. I was initially very excited, so much so that I wanted to spend another week in Germany (more on that soon) as a way to treat myself. That turned out to be not so feasible for a myriad of reasons, but I wanted to celebrate wit
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healing

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# I titled this after one of Drake's songs. Obviously. Life has been very weird lately. I can't remember the last time I've been at peace like this. I withdrew socially from everyone, explicitly stating that I was going to be doing that. Went away for what felt like forever but was probably just a couple weeks, realistically. Reconnected with my roots in the meantime, and spent more time with my family. Involved myself even more in Bangladeshi politics and "political" conversations. Lost and found my values. Tried to be honest with myself. Tried to do right by myself by not giving in to temptations. Hit the gym more consistently. Ate at home more often. Slept more. Didn't study as much as I should have, but I pulled through in the end somehow. I do have one more exam to take, and I'm hoping that I'll be okay with that, too. I kind of need to be - a lot is riding on my doing well in that. Skin's been clearing up and glowing. Body's been bodying.
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freedom, maybe.

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Hasina resigned on the 5th of August. That information leaked way before the official announcement. I found it difficult to believe the rumours, and then the announcement itself. She's been in power for as long as I can remember. The fact that students managed to topple her authoritative regime in 3 weeks - unbelievable. I haven't seen anything of this scale, ever. It still feels like an elaborate scheme. I still refuse to believe that she would give up her seat that quickly, that easily. This woman has been in power for over 15 years. So many have come before us who have tried to oust her, but failed. So many exposés, so many protests, so many uprisings. All of that led to the deaths and disappearances of the people responsible for them, while she carried on. And then you're asking me to believe that a couple students from Dhaka University somehow managed to come together, gather the entire nation and lead them to demand her resignation? Forgive me for being cynical, but t
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one point, one demand / এক দফা, এক দাবি

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This has got to be the first time that I've felt a serious external threat to my life and the lives of those so very close to me. The fact that I felt fear like this, to this extent, despite being so incredibly far away from home, is a testament to the fact that I come from a country ruled by an actual dictator. We are in 2024, but it feels like these are scenes straight out of 1971. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure if I should even continue doing what I am. My life isn't necessarily at risk considering that I live here now, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't shitting myself every second worrying if my father will have to face the consequences of my  actions. That should not be the case. That does not make any sense at all. Ironic too, really, considering that I don't feel like I've done enough, if at all. - This is a situation that is evolving so quickly that it's difficult to get facts straight. It's been incredibly real since this s
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WHEN IT'S OVER (INTERLUDE)

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NOBODY CARES have you ever had a breakdown in the middle of Priceline? i can’t lie, it’s a very overwhelming and confronting feeling. one second, you’re checking out the foundation, trying to see whether the shade matches your skin tone or not. next second, you’re fighting for your life trying to not bawl your eyes out and ruin the makeup on your face. you will be happy to know that i succeeded and didn’t have a full blown meltdown. i’ve been so numbed to how i’ve been feeling; now that i’m not as stressed and don’t need to put myself in the backseat, it’s all starting to catch up with me. - NO NEW FRIENDS, NO NEW FRIENDS PLAY FOR KEEPS, CAN'T PLAY PRETEND how embarrassing to be upset because you haven't gotten enough attention. it's almost like i am a narcissist whose ego takes a massive hit when they're not given the attention that they want, so they stoop to lower, and even lower levels in a bid to be dramatic so that people might care. i can feel my friends drifting
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#SaveBangladeshiStudents #QuotaReformMovement

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This is about Bangladesh. Please, please , read about what is happening. Wikipedia is a good starting point. It is rather pathetic that my people are dying, and my biggest concern right now has to be my assignments and upcoming exams. It is truly quite cowardly that I am so far away from everything that's happening but I am pretending like I am doing the most. It is extremely embarrassing that I claim to be patriotic and that I would lay my life down for my country, but I'm a million miles away as people get shot and killed. People my age. The best and brightest minds in the country. They're being murdered. And I am watching that happen through my 13" screen, from the comfort of my home. - This started off as Bangladeshi students protesting the quota system that we have in place for government jobs in the country. Currently, I believe 30% of the jobs have been allocated to the children and grandchildren of freedom fighters, 10% to women, 10% to those from underreprese
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