my dear melancholy,

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# i really just wanted to write something. something about 10,000 hours and skill-building.

i have my first exam on the 20th, and then the next on the 27th. after that, i'm fucking off to Japan with my beautiful boy for 2 weeks, separating on our way back as i fly to Bangkok and he comes back home, finally wrapping up what i expect to be a very exhausting trip on the 17th.

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i have always lived my life in constant motion. well, "always" is lying, because i slowed down considerably after meeting my beautiful boy. he's helped me find balance and bring back order into my life, and organised my chaos so i don't get so overwhelmed and burned out so quickly. he's taught me to enjoy a cup of actual coffee; i used to eat the powder straight from jars before, now i'm a proud owner of an anko espresso machine. i've learned to enjoy the process of making breakfast as much as i enjoy eating it in the end. he's helped me find peace in the quiet, where before only conflict existed.

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i started going to the gym some 2 years ago after a horrible breakup that absolutely changed the trajectory of my life. my motivation for starting was to channel my anger and sorrow into something productive, and over the years, while the reason behind those strong emotions have changed, those emotions, and my motivation for still continuing to go to the gym, hasn't. you don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that that is not sustainable.

i had the same reasons for flying out of the country. i enjoy travelling because it gives me a way to escape myself and my life. i forget that i check in my personal baggage as well when at the airport, but for the few hours that i am caught up in the hustle and bustle of that place (which never slows), i am at peace. the past is far behind me, and the future holds promise. there are ways to fuck up the present and ruin the future, but i'm so focused on making it to my destination that i can never fail. i am unstoppable, i think.

so now i find myself at this crossroads, trying to understand if i have truly grown out of my need to escape and run away, or if i am still a puppet of my pain and anger.


i think a lot of me misses that chaos. it gave me a way to complain and make myself look good. i was constantly busy and drained, but i was meeting (most) deadlines and was somewhat "successful," whatever that means. was i happy? good god no. this blog is evidence of that. but was i occupied? 24/7, to the point where i was burning out. there was something rather validating about being so busy that you barely had time to breathe, let alone think about yourself. i had a superiority complex, because i felt productive all the time, albeit at the expense of my mental health. i showed up for my people though, every time. without fail.

i take a lot more time off now. a lot of "personal time," which gives me the opportunity to reflect on all these arbitrary goals i'm chasing. things that others say is what success means. now that i've had quite a bit of time just for myself, i'm starting to wonder if that busyness wasn't just my way of avoiding having to think about what success means to me, and what path i want to choose for myself. i am in a degree i'm not sure is meant for me, getting stupider everyday and talking to AI because i'm not sure what to do with all the thoughts in my head, and i am scared. so stupidly scared.

the stakes feel a lot higher for me, because once that visa expires, my time's up. there are ways for me to stay back, but i don't want someone's help with that. i want to make it on my own.

i'm just not sure what making it looks like for me anymore. it feels like everyone else has been dictating my life, telling me to go one way or another, and i've kind of just done what has been asked of me. first, i did it for my family. then, i did it for my negative emotions. later, i switched to all the people around me who count on me. now, it feels like i have the chance to do something for me, but i'm not sure what it would be.

i feel like my development in the "thinking for myself" department got nuked and now i'm stunted, because i've sort of been living my life for everyone but me. now everyone wants me to answer a question i never had the chance to think about, but if i get it wrong, everyone will hate me. but no one wants to tell me what the right answer is, either. it's like doing taxes. the government knows the amount you're supposed to pay, but they won't tell you. if you get it wrong, then you get fined. what the fuck?

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i am jumping headfirst back into the chaos, with all the things i've learned from being with my silly little burrito. i don't expect this period of constant, exhausting motion to have the answer to all my questions, but i'm hoping that it will nudge me in the right direction. maybe i'll finally get to know the person under all the madness. if not, at least i'll get to eat some really good takoyaki.

the husband and i recently finished the witness (2016). stupid game. i have a love-hate relationship with it.

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