la vida

It has become a ritual to sit down and write on my birthday, summarising my year and reflecting on all that I have been through. Even though it takes quite a bit of energy, it's nice to have some form of documentation to see how I have progressed over the years. I was reading all the posts I've made since I turned 21 - 4 years of consistency if you include this year - and I think I am rather impressed by how far I've come. I think it's OK for me to sit down and appreciate all that has happened and all that I have done, before I continue on this path and keep exploring uncharted territories.

I am under no delusion that I am some incredible writer who can change someone's life by the words I spill on this white screen, but I like to think that maybe someone will read what I have to say and empathise with me. Perhaps they will feel happy for a stranger they have never met, or a friend they have known for such a long time. I do write more for myself than someone else, but it's nice to know that there is an unknown community that has found me.

And now follows some words about 23. 

my favourite pikmin!

I started this year in Thailand. That was actually quite fun because I felt really, really special. I came back to my boyfriend and my sister, and they both had a little card and some small gifts that they got me. My incredible boy got me a blueberry cheesecake as well, which is important because I really like cheesecake. He also got me a necklace from Japan, and I wear it around my neck all the time, fidgeting with it when I feel like I need his support. It's a nice reminder of him when we're apart.

I had a lot of ups and downs this year, which is kind of just routine for me now. The mental illness got really, really bad; it does tend to come out in full force when I am dating someone and am head over heels for them. The closer I got to my partner, the worse I felt in my head. This may come as a surprise, but vulnerability is actually not easy for me.

I got my act together though, thanks to the sweetest boy I have ever met and my amazingly patient friends. I saw a psychiatrist and got diagnosed. I have kept up with therapy and am working on myself, getting 1% better everyday. I am on medication that has improved the quality of my life so much that I feel like a new person. I never knew life could be like this.

I got really, really anxious, and at many points throughout the year, I was unsure of who I am and what I was doing. I can't say that I have the answers to those questions now, but I feel more certain that I will figure it out. I feel OK with the uncertainty, which is probably the result of fluoxetine, but that doesn't serve my narrative.

I got better at small talk. I realised that I am very much a people person, and it doesn't matter who I am with or what I am doing, I will find a way to make conversation and connect. I took the plunge more times than not, and reached out to people to let them know I love them. I told people what was on my mind, and supported them when they needed me. I found it in myself to show up more often, both for myself and the people around me.

I moved houses, which could not have happened had my community not shown up for me (thank you). I live an hour away from uni now, but I actually quite like the commute (except for when I have to deal with stinky high school kids at 8.30AM). I get to read my books on the train, thanks to my Kindle which I have started using more again. I have once again discovered my love for economics, and am actively working on ensuring that I can continue studying and figuring out this discipline.

I found that I really like theatre. I've spent an embarrassing amount of money going to shows and supporting the arts. I love the glamour and colours and pizzazz (I've always wanted to use that word) of these shows, transporting me into a different world. It let me dress up and go out with my friends, allowing me to spend time with them without exhausting myself.

I stressed myself out a lot, and then not at all. I am weirdly confident - some might go as far as to say overconfident - about the way things are going to go. I am obsessively scared about the way things have gone and what that means for the future. I have found a balance. Growing up will do that to you.

I have realised the people and the things that matter to me. I have always been a massive fan of authenticity and connection, and to know that I have found these people, and keep adding more them to my collection like Pokémon every year, brings me a lot of joy. I allow myself to be as weird and offensive as I am, no filter, and I know that my people will understand me. I let my boyfriend film me doing a Punjabi dance to Tunak Tunak Tun while I looked like a shrimp. My people love me, and I don't doubt that at all for a second.

I honestly am not entirely sure of the lessons I have learned this year. Maybe knowing when to enforce boundaries counts as one. Getting to know myself and trusting my instincts more probably counts as another. Living my life as the person that I truly am - the messy, borderline insane and self-assured court jester - hopefully that counts as a third.

There are some changes coming my way this year. I finish my double degree this December. I'm (hopefully) starting an Honours year next year (fingers crossed, hard). I'm not sure what else, but whatever it may be, I am excited for every opportunity.

There's really not much else that I can ask for. Looking back, I think I have had a pretty stable year, a lot of it thanks to the most beautiful boy of all time. I feel good about all that is to come, knowing that I have all my loved ones by my side. I have a feeling it all works out for me in the end.

Time to wear my PJs, kick my feet up, and watch some Scrubs while downing a shitton of junk food and not tracking my calories. This is la vida.

I've turned 24. I enter my final term this morning. This is the beginning of my greatest life.

a new dawn.

I heard they take you to the back and shoot you in the head once you turn 24. I hope they know that I know karate. Try and come at me, bitches. I will take you all down.