tattoos, duty, identity

where do i go from here?

who do i know in here?

i want it all again.

who can i call again?

it's quite embarrassing to admit, but i don't do very well when i'm fully alone. i can stay in a room by myself and i can function fine, but when the house is as eerily quiet as it is today, i start to fall apart. i'm not sure if it is because i feel like i've been abandoned or if i am just comfortable when no one can watch me.

my darling boy is away for the next couple of days, and my sister usually spends most of her time away from home, which means that i have this slightly too big apartment all to myself for a while now. too much time all alone if you ask me. i don't think it's any good for anyone, least of all me.

i'm on mood stabilisers now, by the way. they're supposed to help me not feel so overwhelmingly sad that i can't get up, and not so excitedly happy that i can't come down. i think that's a good thing. i'm not sure if they're working all too well right now, because i feel like i wouldn't have spent so much of my time crying and feeling alone tonight if they were.

would they accept me for who i am if they knew? the tiniest deviation from what they expect of me, of the script they have for me in their heads - it seems to set them off. if they knew how i feel, what i believe, who i want to be, what i want to do, would they be okay with that? i find it difficult to trust. i don't know if i want to test those waters.

i am scared of being myself. that version of me laughs quite loud, cheers too loud, eats awkwardly, and doesn't know what to say when talking to people. i say the wrong thing more often than not, and laugh often at things other people seem to find tragic. i dare to want more for myself than the life i've been given, and wish to break free of the frameworks which seem to govern me. i keep pushing to pursue things which shouldn't be, and rebel against the expectations others have from me. i strive to disappoint; i believe only then will i have the permission to be free.

but who am i seeking permission from? why must i need permission to be who i want to be and live life the way i want to? why do i seek to conform to these ideas of me that exist in others' mind? why do i wish to connect and make happy when it comes at an expense of myself? does that signal perhaps little to no concern for myself? do i hope to be seen by people who never will? i'm not sure anymore. this is all too vague and abstract to comprehend.

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i got temporary tattoos recently. i've always liked being able to have markings on my skin like that; i'm not sure why, but they mean a lot to me and just make sense. where i come from does not approve of that notion. i am considered an anomaly for being the way i am. i don't have the same wants and desires that people seem to have for me. i seem to want to run away from the ideas of duty, community and responsibility. and why wouldn't i? i've always seen those as obligations thrust upon me, things i didn't get a say in but have always been expected of me.

it is quite egotistical to assume that there aren't many people who would understand how i feel, but i do so anyway. there's a lot of fear here, if i'm being honest. i'm scared of not being able to be with the boy i love so much through no fault of ours. i'm scared of the fire of passion and ambition inside me dimming and being extinguished until i no longer recognise what drives me. i'm scared of losing control over my life, not being able to direct where it goes.

i'm really scared of being forgotten and erased. i worry about fading into nothingness, disappearing into the background of other people's lives, only showing myself to be introduced as my dad's daughter or my husband's wife. i'm scared of others not remembering me for my ideas or what i am capable of, only recalling me as an afterthought. i'm scared of my potential being just that - potential.

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there's only one person on this entire planet who's seen me, known me, and understood me in the way that i've always hoped someone would. i have attached myself so unhealthily to him that his absence feels disproportionately painful. after all, he's the only person who doesn't make me want to emotionally isolate myself.

i miss you, my beautiful boy. i can't wait to see you so soon again.