don't let me drown

I am sick. So, so sick.

It's not the kind of sickness that you will notice if you pass me on the streets. I don't have a broken arm or leg, and I'm not acting out in public either. For the most part, my life is OK on paper. I am able to maintain some level of employment, and am a full-time student. I have a very strong support system, one I make use of very often. Both my parents are alive and healthy, and support my sister and I with finances. I should hopefully be able to make it into Honours next year.

But I am sick. My sickness is ruining my life. The moments when my condition flares up, I am very close to hurting myself.

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I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a bit, and I've finally been prescribed some mood stabilisers. She's put me on lamotrigine; she suspects I may be bipolar, although she's not fully sure yet and doesn't want to label me as such. I definitely have some sort of mood disorder. It could also just be my life and all the chaos in it. We don't know what it is yet. I worry we may not be able to find out.

But let me tell you about all the times I've wanted to die. I think that's what's more important here.

I have been in a beautiful relationship with a wonderful man for the last 1.5 years. You may remember him, dear reader, if you've read any of my previous posts. He's made quite a few cameos and has at least 2 posts dedicated to him somewhere on my blog. I don't think I really ever knew what love was until I met him. He keeps me grounded and stable on my worst days. At the risk of sounding dramatic - I owe him my life. He's saved me more times than I can count.

Now, here's the catch. I struggle with what I have identified as relationship OCD. It is recognised by clinicians as a subtype of OCD, where you have many obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours related to your relationship. This means that you are constantly doubting if you love your partner, if they love you, if you are even meant to be, if you will last, if they want to break up with you, if-

You get the idea, right? The list is endless. I don't want to bore you with all my questions.

However, unfortunately for my ever-loving partner, this means that he isn't allowed the same break. Over the last year or so, I have, on many occasions, interrogated him about his past. A lot. More than is healthy. I was, embarrassingly, obsessed with an ex-partner from 6 years ago. High school, by the way. I dwelled on that for at least the last 2 months.

Now I've switched to doubting the foundations of our relationship. There is nothing to doubt. Our relationship began over a year ago now. We're supposed to celebrate our 2 year anniversary in a couple months. We have been living together for the last year. He has done everything he can, and then some, to show me in so many ways that he loves me so much.

But OCD? It doesn't care about that. It wants to ask just one more question, find just a little more information, get just a tiny bit more reassurance so it can feel relieved. For a little while, the voice shuts down. The answer is satisfactory and the voice retreats, only to regroup and come back stronger with more questions. It demands answers. It needs certainty where certainty can't exist. And if you can't produce proof, then you must be lying and it must be right and if it is right then I must protect myself and I must listen to the voice and I must do what it's saying and I must leave and I must never trust another person and everyone is horrible and I am-

Do you see the loop I am stuck in? I want to rip my hair apart, crack open my skull and dig deep into my brain, find the tumour that is my OCD and rip it out from its roots. It has taken over my whole life and I can't do anything except cry. It's uncontrollable and it's killing me alive. It's ruining my relationship with the person I love so much and it's making me incapable of doing the things I should / want to be doing.

Things from so long ago don't matter. Any sane person would recognise that. My rational brain recognises that this is nothing but anxiety and this feeling of inadequacy. But my emotional brain responds like it is something happening now, that it is a threat to something I hold so dear. I need to prove myself, I need to compete and I need to be the best. I need to be chosen and I need to come first. I need to be the only one. I need to be more than just good enough. I must be perfect.

There is no competition. There is no threat. The only threat that exists is me, which is so ironic since I am also the same person who is trying to protect this relationship from any sort of calamity which might come its way.

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I don't know if it truly is OCD. All I know is that I just spent the last 4 hours trying to talk myself out of these thoughts and crying because I am not strong enough to fight them. I wish I was normal. I wish I could just sit down and enjoy my life the way other people can. I wish I wasn't so far away from my own life, observing it from a distance as though I was watching theatre. I wish I could be present in the moments that I am physically in. I wish I could just get a break. I wish I could breathe in and breathe out without feeling like my whole world is falling apart.

I wish I wasn't who I am.