a work in progress

dawg i'm on so many meds rn i can barely feel anything.

OK, that's not fully true. i've been prescribed 2 things - lamotrigine 200mg for mood instability, and fluoxetine 20mg for OCD. fluoxetine is an SSRI so it helps with depression and anxiety as well. i do think i might have to up my dose a little, but that's a discussion for later with my psychiatrist. you guys don't have to play armchair therapists and diagnose me.

i was also told that i have something called persistent depressive disorder (PDD), alongside other things. the entry criteria for this club is having a low mood for most days, consistently, for a period of 2 years. i've been writing entries in this blog for around 3 years now, albeit inconsistently. i think it is quite obvious that i am the president of this club.

feels like every time i'm on this thing, i'm just complaining man. this one is meant to be less of a complaint and more of a reflection, so bear with me.

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i have been having some really weird and vivid dreams recently, which is apparently a side effect of the SSRI i'm on. some of them have felt so real that i woke up crying. others have made me look inward to understand why i feel the way that i do about the things i think about. they have made me reexamine and reevaluate my conduct, my thinking, and my reactions. i would like to say i've become better in terms of the way i present myself. i have become more empathetic (i think), or at least more patient with other people. it helps that i'm surrounded by an incredible group of friends and a very supportive family. i'm also constantly showered with so much affection from the most wonderful man i've ever known, so that probably has something to do with my upward trend.

i have struggled a lot with executive dysfunction though. i am still who i used to be, and have been trying to push through and see my work to the end despite my strong avoidance. for example, i am writing this post at almost 2AM when i should be studying for a midterm. doing a course for the love of the game -- it doesn't even count towards my degree.

my inability to do things, or at least the fear surrounding my work, is so strong that i applied for a supplementary exam for a course 3 times. i took a supp, for a supp, for a supp. i finalised that course in week 3, maybe 4 of term 2. i applied for another supplementary for a midterm that was supposed to happen in week 5, cancelling my housewarming party, then dropped the course entirely because i just could not bring myself to study for it at all. i'm lucky that i did that before the academic penalty deadline, otherwise i would've had to kiss my dreams of completing an honours year goodbye.

granted, i was doing this course for the vibes as well, but parts of me are still sad that i couldn't do what i set out to do. i quit halfway (or after 10% of the course if you go by my progress). i never was a quitter, so i guess i am a bit embarrassed. not sure about the point i am trying to prove, or who is holding me to it either.

i am trying to have a positive outlook though. i have reframed this as me choosing to prioritise myself and giving myself a break. i only have 1 exam this term, as the other course is just a capstone project -- my group and i are tracking pretty well despite how lax we are. it's kind of funny. i guess you can be unserious and still succeed.

things are starting to get challenging by the day, though. i am set to graduate at the end of this year, and while i want to go off to do an honours year in economics, does the honours year want me? it is highly likely that i may have to move to a different university, even a different state, to do what i want to do. my grades, just like my blog posts, have been so inconsistent, the director of undergraduate studies asked me why i am up one moment and down the next. i have shot myself in the foot by not getting my shit together earlier, and while there is some hope for me still, it is equally likely that it might not work out the way i want it to. i am unpredictable, and so is everything associated with me.

last week was a "reading break" at uni, and i did fuck all. i was struggling to even get out of bed to brush my teeth or shower. it felt like a chore to drag myself around the house, and i was all but a shell of myself. i was sleeping for almost 14 hours a day, and have not cooked anything in a couple of weeks now. the only reason i have been able to stay alive and survive is because my angel of a boyfriend has taken care of me and given me the space to just be, without any expectations. dirty, stinky, sleepy, tired, depressed -- whatever i have wanted to be, he has let me be. he has shown me so much love and care, it almost makes me sad that i am not able to do more. he pushes me every day to do a bit more, even if it is just sit down to write. even if i draw only a line, or just shower and walk around a bit. i wouldn't even go to work if it wasn't for him, if i'm being honest. i am drained, and he is holding me up as i try to bounce back.

i love this man so much.

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i don't know what the future looks like for me anymore. my visa is expiring in 16 days, and i have to lodge a new application ASAP if i don't want to get kicked out of this country. i have to reach out to a gazillion professors and refine my project idea until i have been able to distill it to a hypothesis. i have to read 39842075 papers so i can at least sound reasonable and make my arguments. i have to lock in and work harder than i have worked ever before in my life so i can keep myself afloat, mentally, academically and financially.

i don't have a concrete plan, just some blurry milestones i can see ahead of me. i am trying to walk through the fog, hoping that the path will clear itself as i keep moving forward. around me are my people, holding flashlights and offering me resources so i can continue pushing through. i can't promise it will all work out the way that i want it to, but i'm hoping i have accumulated enough good karma over my lifetime for it to anyway.

what i can promise though is i will persevere through it all. i will see it through, so that when i reach the finish line, wherever that might be, i can at least be honest with myself and say that i gave it my everything.

here's to the future. i hope i'm happy in it.

"some mornings you just gotta wake up and be like, "this is my thing, no one else's. no one can talk to me."" - drake (🐐)