WHEN IT'S OVER (INTERLUDE)

NOBODY CARES

have you ever had a breakdown in the middle of Priceline? i can’t lie, it’s a very overwhelming and confronting feeling. one second, you’re checking out the foundation, trying to see whether the shade matches your skin tone or not. next second, you’re fighting for your life trying to not bawl your eyes out and ruin the makeup on your face.

you will be happy to know that i succeeded and didn’t have a full blown meltdown. i’ve been so numbed to how i’ve been feeling; now that i’m not as stressed and don’t need to put myself in the backseat, it’s all starting to catch up with me.

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NO NEW FRIENDS, NO NEW FRIENDS

PLAY FOR KEEPS, CAN'T PLAY PRETEND

how embarrassing to be upset because you haven't gotten enough attention. it's almost like i am a narcissist whose ego takes a massive hit when they're not given the attention that they want, so they stoop to lower, and even lower levels in a bid to be dramatic so that people might care.

i can feel my friends drifting further and further away from me. this is something i wanted anyway - if anything, i was the one who set this in motion - but it feels really weird to watch it happen. i can't really blame anyone else for my predicament. i must take responsibility. i may have prophesied this, but it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

yes, it solidifies my belief that people leave eventually anyway, but no, i'm not going to do anything to change anything about this. the only people who have made it so far are the ones who have known me my entire life. everyone else? i don't even know if my name even rings a bell for them anymore.

DON’T LET THIS BE THE PART WHERE YOU LEAVE.

FASHION STATEMENT, WEAR MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE.

it's not that i'm completely lonely, though. i have other people in my life who keep me company, and perhaps withdrawing, becoming more reserved and pulling away in general will lead to a less chaotic life. i must make sacrifices if i wish to do the things that i set out to do. i must find ways to free up more time for myself to do the things i should be doing. isolating myself may not be the best way to do it, but it's something that definitely works so i'm not going to complain.

still, it doesn't stop me from being upset and disappointed. i don't think i'm ever going to stop feeling that way if i'm being honest. i will forever look back and think about how i singlehandedly ruined all the relationships that i had. i can't keep people for more than a year, no matter how hard i try, but honestly, it is what it is.

this makes me think of a certain conversation i had with someone last year. it went something like this:

me: you should get me something for my birthday.

them: your birthday has already passed?

me: yeah but you missed it - you still have to make up for it.

them: i'll get you 2 presents next year - a bigger one to make up for missing this one and a normal one for your actual birthday.

me: what if you're not around for next year?

of course, this was a mostly casual conversation, but the fear i expressed in said conversation was very real. and i was right, too, because we didn't make it to my birthday this year. i started my 21st year with so many of these people, only for half of them to no longer be a part of my life anymore.

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I JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU

BABE, I WANNA CALL YOU

HONEY, YOU CAN DRIVE ME CRAZY

nothing would make me happier than to reconnect with some of these people. it might just be my hormones fluctuating, but i've been thinking about my interpersonal relationships a lot more recently and it's not been nice. i genuinely don't know how to keep people. i've accepted that they're not mine to keep anyway, but my lord, wouldn't it be so nice to have people stick it out for me for once?

i've been missing people a lot more recently as well. part of me wants to reach out, accept blame and compromise to just have them back, but the rational part of me still has some sense of self-respect. if they were for me, they would've never left to begin with.

that doesn't stop me from remembering all the good times i've spent with some of these people, though. for all the shit that they put me through, they often found ways to put a smile on my face. not only that, but some of these people knew me in ways that even i didn't know myself. knew parts of me no one else has ever seen, and probably never will, either. pushed me to become the version of myself that i am today. had been there for me during what felt like the most horrible moments of my life. some of these people were often the first people i'd reach out to whenever something happened, good or bad. it's so weird that they're no longer in my life, despite being so significant for such a long time.

grieving is always a difficult thing to do, but it's even more difficult when you're grieving people who are still alive.

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IT COMES IN WAVES, THE LETTING GO

BUT THE MEMORY FADES, EVERYBODY KNOWS

i'm going to get over this. i always do. and then i'll repeat this with a new group of people. it's my pattern, and until i fix the internal issues that are actually making me act this way, i will keep going through the motions.

i will let go, but when everything eventually comes crashing down again, i will be back where i started because i never truly learned to move on. and that's ok, i think. i like the pain in a way. it's a familiar feeling that i can control. i can make it stay. it's the only constant in my life. everything else is uncertain and fleeting.

my cross to bear for the rest of my life, and i'm ok with that.

this is my responsibility. no complaints.