On 2023...
## This was finally published at 22:13 on 03/01.
2023, man. What an insane fucking ride it's been.
Sleep was fucked for more than half the year. Failed my first course ever in my 21 years of existence. Experienced a lot of things for the first time ever, most of which I will not name here for reasons.
One thing remained constant; I started the year very, very heartbroken, and am ending the year carrying a similar heaviness in my chest. More on that as we do a recap.
Just watched the sunrise with one of my oldest friends ever after a night full of some very deep, heavy and interesting conversations. This was one of those things I had on my bucket list for a long time, and it was every bit as amazing as I imagined. 10/10 experience, would recommend.
# Almost at the end of 01/01 and we're still writing this. I got carried away living my life. :)
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| Humans are so cool. |
Ok, what was 2023? The entire year feels like a blur and I felt like I was just going through the motions. There were just so many things happening.
We started the year watching Om Shanti Om. I was back home with my family and while I wasn't completely over the happenings of the end of 2022, I knew that I was going to be okay. Hellbent on changing my life and transforming myself. I was not going to let anyone do me like that ever again. A part of me that I really adored died and while that does upset me a little, I guess it had to happen so that we could make way for the person I am now.
I can't remember January all that well, but I know that I was starting to calm down and mellow out as my trip approached. I would have to pack up and leave for Australia once again, and it upset me because I spent so much time crying over someone who did not care about me at all. I didn't get enough time with the people who truly loved and cared for me, but would there ever be enough time to spend with them? Not really, so I just tried to make the best of the time I had remaining, and oh what a blast that was!
During this time, I was also speaking to someone that I thought was interesting. I wasn't really expecting anything to come out of it, but for some reason, he had taken an interest in me as well. I could not understand that at all and spent so much time looking for an explanation. I was obviously still bruised from what happened previously, and didn't want to have to go through that once again. "A little bit of calmness, sanity and stability in my life," that's all I wanted.
It did not work out, which was fine until I started being fucked with. I don't enjoy it when people mess with my head; I don't like uncertainty and I definitely don't enjoy mixed signals. I was also officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder around this time, which turned my entire world upside down. I will never forget how I dropped to the floor and lay there because I couldn't process what the doctor told me. It took him just an hour to conclude that I have a lifelong condition that could actually make me take my own life. I can also do almost nothing about it. Kind of fucked if you ask me, but hey, we soldiered on and made it to the end of the year!
# 03/01. I promise today is the day I finish it.
I spent such a long time being depressed this year. I grieved, lost, cried and dissociated. I broke and fixed things. I lost myself, then found myself, then lost myself again. A never-ending cycle. I went back to the basics and worked my way through them. I met people. I lost people. I met people again.
I still think about the things that some of these people said to me. A lot of good, some very, very bad that manages to overshadow all the good. I am still friendly with all of them. I still think about them in passing and remember things. I haven't forgotten anything, and I definitely will never forgive. I've moved on, but I will not allow myself to forget how I was made to feel. You were a part of my life, now you're not. That's that and that's it.
# I got distracted and started rereading some things I've written in the past. Made myself cry thinking about how my life has changed. R miss, you were right. You always managed to see things in me that I refused to. Thank you for playing such a significant role in my life and changing it.
The more people start meaning to me, the less their absence affects me. It's terrifying how my soul's started to accept that people are temporary and replaceable. It's accepted that people will just leave, and is always prepared for that outcome. Loss doesn't hurt me anymore. I don't even grieve. I just accept it and move on like these people did not exist. It's almost like I've become so comfortable with being alone that I don't want anyone else's presence in my life anymore. If you want space, you can carve some out for yourself. If you don't want to be here, you can show yourself out. I'm exhausted.
That's what I'm most proud of this year - becoming comfortable with being alone. I don't feel lonely as often anymore; yes, it creeps up still, but I prefer my own company to other people. People are great, I promise, but it feels so awfully pointless. I'm starting to feel like maybe knowing and understanding me are overrated ideas. Maybe no one needs to do that. We can simply exist, interact with each other for as long as our lives intersect, and then go our separate ways when we no longer serve a purpose in each other's lives. What is the point in putting in all of this effort when we're going to disappear anyway? I won't allow you to get through, anyway.
It's not that I don't want to. I am emotionally incapable of breaking down the walls that I've erected around myself. I am inconsistent, unpredictable, and confusing. It makes me interesting, but it also means that there's always going to be a distance. A friend recently told me, out of nowhere, that she feels like she knows me but she really doesn't know me at all. She can never tell what's going on in my head. People build walls around them so you can't enter, but my walls are less a wall and more like an iceberg. You can only see the tip of it, but you can't swim to the bottom. My waters are rough and dangerous. You won't survive the trip.
And that's fine by me. I've lived 21 years like this, and I have no problem living 210 more. It doesn't matter anymore. The emotions are dying. I will still keep writing on this blog; it's been one of the better things that have come out of this year. It's just going to remain vague, shallow, and quite surface-level.
I am sorry. I know you wish I could do better, but this is who I am. And I am happy with this person.
For 2024, I wish for more money, peace and stability. I pray for strength to get through what I know is going to be an incredibly challenging year for me. I hope to stay focused on myself, and continue to trust that everything I am doing is building up to something great that I can't even imagine at the moment. I am capable of doing more than I think I can. Good things are meant for me, whether I want to admit that or not. I am deserving of everything I want, and I have no choice but to accept that.
It is not an easy life, but it is worth living. It will always be worth it, so long as I have the people I have in my life. They believe, so I do too.
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| She was one of the first people in my life (after my mum) who continued to believe that I was destined for greatness. The faith she has in me will never not confuse me, but it has been such an honour. I will remember her for as long as I live, and will never stop being grateful for everything she's done for me. |
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