main character syndrome

Trigger warning - mention of self-harm # This piece is actually just an excuse to post gym pics. You're welcome x Today is day 7 of me being home alone. Just a little less than 2 weeks until my flatmate comes back. I also have a friend coming over to stay with me because the plan is to go out and celebrate the new year together. I go back to work from the 2nd, and go away on a trip again for the weekend. Quite a few things coming up! I am dreading it all. I've been enjoying the time I've been spending by myself a lot. Not being on Instagram (and therefore not having to interact with a huge number of people) has been really good for my mental health. It has also freed up time for me to do the things that I want to do, such as watch movies, read books, work on some things, and go to the gym. I've been going consistently ever since I went off of Instagram. I've never been this consistent with the gym before in my life. I tell myself that I'll die if I skip my worko...

## This was eventually published at 03:00, 26/12/23. # This habit of writing when I'm just about to crash has got to go, man. My grammar is almost always over the place, but even more so when I'm tired. I also stop making sense at this hour. Why do I even bother. I just finished watching the movie, "How to Be Single," thus the title. That was actually rather enjoyable and quite helpful, which is not something I was expecting when I was flicking through Netflix. I just wanted to watch something before I dozed off. I had hoped to go out with friends today, but most of them are either overseas, celebrating Christmas or have COVID-19. So instead, I spent half of today wishing things were different for me in terms of my love life, and the other half engaging with media and responding to other people's messages. I am home alone for the next 3 weeks, since my flatmate's back home for the holidays. I completely forgot about it when I was ending my rather entertaining ...

no one ever warned me how strong sleeping pills are, and how long they stay in your body for. they have enough strength to knock a horse out. the fact that i am still alive and relatively coherent enough to be writing this is nothing short of a miracle. not being able to sleep has been a recurring problem for the last couple of months. i got myself some drugs to help with that, and have been taking them religiously for a few days now. they help me sleep through the night. i don't have dreams anymore, or at least don't remember them at all once i wake up. something that no one mentioned was that it would also help me forget your face and numb my feelings. - right after you left, i sat in my room in silence, processing what happened. a massive part of me wanted to sob to allow myself some reprieve, but the late hour meant that i was too tired to bring myself to feel anything. i had hoped that the emotional impact would be enough to make me sleep through the night - i didn't h...

man, i was not expecting to be writing this tonight. was answering a few questions which made me look a little too deeply into my soul to figure out why i hold the views i do, and i really hated finding out what i did. it sucks. i like the concept of marriage if i'm being honest. i think it's really sacred and pretty, and more power to people who end up getting married to their people and everything. i hope that they last and you lot live a happy and fulfilling life together. for better or for worse until death do us part, or whatever. i just genuinely don't think it's for me. i don't have an example of a single good marriage on either side of my family. they've all either been out of convenience, or quickly descended into chaos and everyone in it is unhappy now. they don't even have an out anymore, because they're "stuck" and also, society. it's kinda fucked. good marriages are for good people. i don't think i am good people. the first...

# I'm surprised that there's at least one person in this world who seems to care about what I have to say. I feel like I've created a parasocial relationship since I know that they keep track of what I post, but I don't actually know who this person is. In any case, thank you for reading? I hope my life is entertaining enough for you. I made a mistake by napping at an odd hour (20:30). It's currently 01:27, and I can't sleep. I have a meeting at 10:00, and then work from 13:00. Tomorrow is also a hair wash day, and that easily takes an hour of my time. But I can worry about all of that when the sun comes up. It's cool and quiet enough for me to enjoy my own company and music, without anyone blowing my phone up. However, the problem with this is that I'm left alone with my thoughts, which means a lot of word vomit because I will literally go insane otherwise. I also have a tendency to hurt myself - I think I enjoy emotional pain - and I've very carefu...

I just woke up from a nap bro. Greatest sleep of my life for sure. I have nothing profound to say. I just wanted to share this with people in fucking Sweden and Serbia since my blog has managed to reach those countries (are you guys ok?) I love the holidays so much. Eat sleep study work and repeat. This is so nice. That is all. Thank you.

# 23:31 - the hour for pining, longing and yearning for things that could never be, and people who never were. It's been over a year since I moved out.  # 01:05 on the 3rd of December. I am going to live up to my reputation of being dramatic. Hopefully this will be a nice read. I got caught in the rain today. Again. It provoked quite a lot of different reactions from my friends, particularly my "mum" friend who reprimanded me for getting out of the house without an umbrella. Again. "Seriously, Nuren, how many times has this happened? Do you not check the weather forecast before you leave? How hard is it to carry an umbrella!?" Umbrellas cramp my style. They get in the way of my ability to express myself. They mess up my outfit. And I like getting wet in the rain sometimes. There's something very romantic and almost childlike about being able to do that. I was never allowed it, because my parents worried that I'd get sick, so now I occasionally give mysel...