gym, and its influence on me
Trigger warning - mention of self-harm
Today is day 7 of me being home alone. Just a little less than 2 weeks until my flatmate comes back. I also have a friend coming over to stay with me because the plan is to go out and celebrate the new year together. I go back to work from the 2nd, and go away on a trip again for the weekend. Quite a few things coming up!
I am dreading it all. I've been enjoying the time I've been spending by myself a lot. Not being on Instagram (and therefore not having to interact with a huge number of people) has been really good for my mental health. It has also freed up time for me to do the things that I want to do, such as watch movies, read books, work on some things, and go to the gym.
I've been going consistently ever since I went off of Instagram. I've never been this consistent with the gym before in my life. I tell myself that I'll die if I skip my workout on a day, which is probably not healthy, but it works out regardless. It also helps that the friends that I've been sharing my progress with have been very appreciative of what I've been doing. I have also been told that I have insane genetics, a comment with which I agree.
I've heard people talk about how the gym has kept them sane and saved their lives, and I used to always discard comments like that because I thought they were stupidly dramatic. I actually get it now, because honestly, if it wasn't for the gym, I am very sure I would've resorted to some very unhealthy coping mechanisms (an instance of it documented here).
I was actually pretty convinced that I was going to attempt again over these 3 weeks, but my depression's been at bay. Free time always scares me, because I get in my head about so many things that I don't want to deal with. I spiral, end up yelling and crying, and then things happen. I don't want to talk about that because that's in the past now. I'm a different, happier person, and I'd like to stay that way for as long as I can.
I observe my forearms very intently every time I'm lifting weights (every day). I still have scars from the last time I attempted, and while they have faded significantly, they serve as a reminder of the things that I've been through (and survived). It's crazy how much time changes a person, because weren't these the same hands that I used to kill myself? Now I use them to lift big circles to make myself happy.
I am never deeper in thought than when I am in between sets with weights resting on my legs and a mirror to look at myself in. I keep thinking about how incredibly far I've come as a person, and how much I've changed too. Everything that has happened over the last month or so happened at the same time last year as well. I still have pages that I wrote when it happened to me in 2022. I still remember how I spent days (and nights) bawling my eyes out because I had never felt more hurt and abandoned in my life. I still remember the hell I had to go through before I could begin to feel normal again.
I have a lot of people to thank for helping me get to that, because I know that I would've died had I been left alone. So many times I considered jumping off the balcony back home but something or the other always came up before I could do that. So many people listened to me drone on about the same damn thing, over and over, without complaining.
I was home, around people that I loved during that "recovery" period, which made it significantly easier to want to live. This time, however, I had made the decision to stay back long before anything happened. I knew it was going to happen anyway; a part of me believes that I made it play out the way it did because I was comfortable with the familiarity of the situation and could control things, but that's just me psychoanalysing myself a bit too much. In any case, I thought I was going to relapse.
And then I didn't. I don't even think about it as much as I thought I would. It's almost like a whole person just vanished overnight from my life (which he did), and when he left, he took every single little memory and thought with him. I can't remember the face or the voice. That folder is surprisingly empty.
It is not that I don't like or want you. A part of me will continue to feel that way until it doesn't anymore, but I'm very tired of how we keep going back and forth over and over. We're both adults. Neither of us should have time for these games, or be entertaining them either. Both of us have a lot of growing up to do. I hope we both figure out whatever's going on internally so that we don't end up hurting other people or ourselves. I like you but I'm exhausted of you. You're not good for me, and I don't believe I am good for you, either.
I've been both busy and stress-free during this time. I've worked when I was scheduled to and took time to unwind when I didn't have anything. Calling my family a lot more and strengthening those relationships; it's my first time being away from them during this time, and it's important that I am as present as I can possibly be while also being away. I'm trying to catch up with old friends who I would've seen during this time had I been home. I'm taking time away from everyone when I feel like I don't want to engage. I have found a balance that works for me. Everything's finally blending in perfect harmony.
I'm excited to see who I become in 3 months, and even more excited to meet the person that I become at the end of 2024. I have a lot of things on my plate next year, and I want to see how I deal with all these new challenges that are coming my way.
I am very proud of myself, and I have so many good reasons to feel this way, too. It turns out, all this time, I just needed to trust my instinct and do what I thought was the right thing to do. I got distracted and thought I needed people, but not true.
Just live life the way you want to, man. Do what you want to. Be crazy if that is who you are. The people who are meant to stick will stick around regardless. Everyone else - you didn't need them in the first place.
# Joked about being a muscle mommy now I'm actually becoming one what is this 😠Imagine I flex and my gains are bigger than yours (they are)
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