How to Be Single

## This was eventually published at 03:00, 26/12/23.

# This habit of writing when I'm just about to crash has got to go, man. My grammar is almost always over the place, but even more so when I'm tired. I also stop making sense at this hour. Why do I even bother.

I just finished watching the movie, "How to Be Single," thus the title. That was actually rather enjoyable and quite helpful, which is not something I was expecting when I was flicking through Netflix. I just wanted to watch something before I dozed off.

I had hoped to go out with friends today, but most of them are either overseas, celebrating Christmas or have COVID-19. So instead, I spent half of today wishing things were different for me in terms of my love life, and the other half engaging with media and responding to other people's messages. I am home alone for the next 3 weeks, since my flatmate's back home for the holidays. I completely forgot about it when I was ending my rather entertaining mess, because I could be spending this time involving myself with things (and a person) I had no business being involved with, but it is what it is.

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Okay, I can feel my brain actually shutting down so I'm going to try and talk about what I came here to talk about before I lose the plot.

I have said this a lot of times in my life, but I think I actually, genuinely want to be alone. For a while. Not because I have things I need to figure out; I think I'm on the right track with that and it is unaffected by another person's presence in my life. No, it's not that at all.

I want to be alone so I can actually live my life, and maybe slow down.

I live a very fast, chaotic life. That is why this blog exists. Something or the other happens to me every day, sometimes every 12 hours when I'm just out and about. It's very entertaining, really, because my life is just a bunch of stories that melt into each other. I never run out of conversations to have. I'd like to think I live quite a rich life.

Except this is not a book. Or a movie. Or a TV show. I don't need something or the other to happen in every episode. This is real life. This is my life.

Things keep happening, and I keep reacting, but I can't seem to take a minute to stop and think about how I feel about these things. I don't need an occurrence every minute of every day. Every single person in my life, no matter how close, does not need to know about what's happening to me or my thoughts on a certain thing. I can choose to completely disconnect and spend time by myself - with my music, my Kindle, or just with my sketchbooks.

I've been so scared of having to get through the next 3 weeks all alone. I've never had to spend so much time in my own company with nothing or no one to distract me. At the very least, I'd have people blowing up my phone on multiple social networking sites, but given my recent decision to go cold turkey (more on that later), there's not much of that happening, either.

Most of my time recently has been spent at the gym, reading, watching something, writing, occasionally working or sleeping. I'm actually doing so much better with sleep, too, but more on that later. That is not to say that I have cut myself off completely from civilisation; I still text people who text my number (crazy people) and am seeing a bunch of friends soon. There's also a road trip that I am a little scared of going on as well, so there's that.

But I've never spent this much time alone with my thoughts. Being forced to look straight into my soul and confront myself - it has been a jarring experience and we're only on day 2. There's so much going on that I haven't either dealt with or thought about in years, and it's suddenly all coming out for the first time in years, and I don't know how to reconcile those different versions of me with the version of me that exists in the present moment. Actually, sometimes, I don't even know who this version of me is.

This sounds so sad, when it is anything but. If I don't know who I am, it means that it isn't something set in stone, and I can decide to be anyone I want to be. There are no rules that I have to follow, because I'm not bound by anything. Or anyone.

Which brings me to my main point - a partner.

Yes, like everyone who has ever read a romance novel, I too have wanted to meet "the one" who would magically sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to a romantic wonderland. There aren't that many things in this world that I want more than to be loved, wanted, and understood by one person for the rest of my life.

But I think subconsciously I've been extremely focused on finding that person. I have an idea for everything that I want in my life, and I've vaguely mapped it out while accounting for the variables I can't possibly control, but the love/partner side of things is amiss. I thought too much about myself and thought that this would just automatically fall into place, and I'm starting to get worried that I'm going to run out of time and will eventually end up being thrust into a relationship that I settled for, which would lead to a loveless marriage.

I now truly believe that that's just a very stupid thing to worry about. I still would very much like to meet my "knight in shining armour" at some point, but I don't think it's happening any time soon. Or ever. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure it even matters. My plan doesn't account for other people like that. If they fit into it, they fit into it. If they don't, it doesn't really matter.

I've seen the person I become when I meet someone new, or start liking someone else. They become the sole object of all of my desires. I can't have a moment of peace because I allow myself to be consumed by the thoughts of another person. It is not healthy. I don't like that person at all.

And while I've been better with it, I truly believe I just need to be alone. I need to kick out every man who could even potentially be a romantic interest out of my life. I cannot deal with that sort of drama, and don't need it, either.

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I was standing at the doorway to my room. My space isn't insanely big, but it's my space to do as I please. I've got insane posters up on my walls, and more lights than I actually need. An artificial plant right next to my Alexa, and a huge ass monitor that serves as my TV when I'm watching something. A lot of pencils and a few sketchbooks. More jewellery than a normal person needs. A huge queen-sized bed (how fitting) for me to sleep on (or not) at any time of the day, and wake up in whenever I want to.

I don't have many worries in my life right now. It won't always be like this - I moved out of my parents' home into my own space, and will eventually move out of this in the next 10 years to live with my partner. I have a very limited time to truly just be. I can't just squander it lamenting about what could've been. Or what should be. It's all in the here and now. This is exactly where I'm meant to be. Where did I hit my head because what the fuck was I on?

There are no rules. I don't have anyone to answer to. Leftover pizza is okay to eat for breakfast. The gym is okay to go to in the middle of the night. My sex playlist is okay to blast at full volume from my Alexa in the middle of a workday. Spending the entire day doing nothing is okay. I can do anything I want to because this is my house, this is my life and I am single.

I am single. It's fucking amazing to be this way. No boyfriend, no potential boyfriend, no situationship, no crush, no talking stage. No one else ruining my peace for me. My days are spent just doing my own thing, and being content.

Wait, I didn't realise I felt that way until I wrote it. I am actually content. It's been so long since I've felt this way. That's crazy. Wow.

Anyway, I don't have an insane conclusion to leave you guys with tonight. I just hope that I stay single until someone else can take care of me better than I can. Men were competing with some shitty ex-boyfriends from the past before, but now they are literally competing with me. Good fucking luck. You'd have to be insanely special to win against me.

# This might have stopped making sense halfway through my writing it, and in hindsight, I really should've separated the main ideas and written different pieces, but it is what it is. Not in the mood to care tonight. I'm free, baby!

This image has so much potential I just don't know what to do with it.

I love this picture so much it just makes sense to me.