motions
# 01:05 on the 3rd of December. I am going to live up to my reputation of being dramatic. Hopefully this will be a nice read.
I got caught in the rain today. Again.
It provoked quite a lot of different reactions from my friends, particularly my "mum" friend who reprimanded me for getting out of the house without an umbrella. Again.
"Seriously, Nuren, how many times has this happened? Do you not check the weather forecast before you leave? How hard is it to carry an umbrella!?"
Umbrellas cramp my style. They get in the way of my ability to express myself. They mess up my outfit. And I like getting wet in the rain sometimes. There's something very romantic and almost childlike about being able to do that. I was never allowed it, because my parents worried that I'd get sick, so now I occasionally give myself permission to live.
But I did check the forecast before I left home. I expected it, and I knew it was going to happen. A part of me had hoped that it wouldn't rain, but that part of me is naïve and wants to believe in magic and miracles. I didn't have it in me to crush the hopes of that child, but I also wanted to protect it, so I carried my jacket with me instead.
Yes, it was going to rain. Yes, I was probably going to encounter it on my way back.
This time, though, I had my jacket with me. It's no umbrella, but it did the trick. It let me experience the rain and when it was time for me to ensure my safety, I was able to do that. It didn't get in the way of anything.
We're getting insanely dramatic here, but if you haven't figured it out yet, this is an analogy for my life.
Let me explain (because who else is going to?).
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I get into trouble very often. Very well-documented, too. Just look at any blog post I've written over the last year.
I meet people. I start talking to them. I get hopelessly attached, more so than they ever do (or ever will). We stop talking for reasons ("you're crazy", "you're too much", "I don't really like you", "I'm not ready", etc). I grieve their absence. I recover. I do this all over again.
The problem here is that I don't learn my lesson. I've gotten drenched in the rain multiple times, but I still step out without an umbrella because "maybe this time it will be different." That's insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
But that's my personality. I want to stay true to myself and be who I am. Unfortunately for me, that's the person that enjoys getting to know people, and getting attached. It all comes from a place of love and authenticity, even if the love isn't very present or tangible.
And the people who care about me, the ones who see me struggle in the aftermath - they worry. They ask me why, and they try to stop me before I dive into the deep end again. I know they mean well, but I can't help it. I'm sorry.
I hope that this time I'll not be the only person who gets attached. That this time, this person will understand me, and against all odds, they will stay. They will decide that even if I'm a lot of work, I'm worth the effort. Of course, they never do, but that's beside the point.
My jacket? I haven't figured that out yet.
I watch over helplessly as I fall head over heels again for another person, knowing exactly how the story ends.
However, one thing that's good about experiencing the same thing over and over is that you end up building resilience. Trial and error - you learn what works for you and what doesn't. So when things end and I crumble yet again, I know exactly how to pick the pieces back up. Swiftly sweeping the floor isn't it; you need to carefully pick each fragment and piece it back together, patiently. It takes time, but the result is always beautiful.
I worried going in, risking myself and knowing full well just how much it would hurt, but I experienced something that made me feel alive in the moment, that, to me, felt real and magical. Everything might be lost, but what I experienced? That will stay with me forever.
I find comfort in the fact that all my actions came from a place of love. Unfiltered. Pure. The love that I put out into the world will find its way back to me. I might be hurting now, but the rain stops eventually.
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I deleted all our conversations today. Every last message, photo - everything that I had. I don't have your number anymore, either. For a long time, yours was one of the first contacts I'd see when I wanted to talk to someone, but that's gone now.
I'm erasing every last trace of you. Wiping my brain clean. Starting over. I don't want to remember you. Not now, not ever.
I don't hate you. It might seem like I do, but hatred is a strong emotion that I am incapable of. You are a good person, perhaps one of the better souls I've come across in a long time. But the fact of the matter is that you mishandled a lot of things and hurt me in the process. I ended up becoming collateral damage because you couldn't figure things out. You couldn't care about me. You couldn't consider me.
But that's okay. I don't hold it against you. We're both young, and I am not without my faults. I am stubborn, and I should've left a long time ago. You're not solely responsible for what happened.
I am letting go, but I will never forget.
Goodbye.
# This was insanely cathartic. I am moved by what I've written LMAO.
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| Image has nothing to do with what I've written. I just thought it was cool and wanted to share! :) |
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