sleeping pills

no one ever warned me how strong sleeping pills are, and how long they stay in your body for. they have enough strength to knock a horse out. the fact that i am still alive and relatively coherent enough to be writing this is nothing short of a miracle.

not being able to sleep has been a recurring problem for the last couple of months. i got myself some drugs to help with that, and have been taking them religiously for a few days now. they help me sleep through the night. i don't have dreams anymore, or at least don't remember them at all once i wake up.

something that no one mentioned was that it would also help me forget your face and numb my feelings.

-

right after you left, i sat in my room in silence, processing what happened. a massive part of me wanted to sob to allow myself some reprieve, but the late hour meant that i was too tired to bring myself to feel anything. i had hoped that the emotional impact would be enough to make me sleep through the night - i didn't have to wake up until 12.30pm the next day anyway - but i was wrong. that was the worst night i had to get through since i've known you.

my body was fatigued and desperate to rest, but my mind was racing, trying to rationalise and make sense of everything that happened. it was impatient to understand and explain all the events that had unfolded over the last 4 months right in that second. this rift between brain and body, something neither of us are unfamiliar with, meant that i spent a very restless night consumed by thoughts of you. fragmented moments of sleep led to dreams, and moments spent laying awake in bed meant images of you floating around my brain.

i was tempted to message you the very next day and take back everything i said. i very clearly remember picking my phone up, 8.55am on the clock. i found you and was convinced that having you in my life was worth the emotional turmoil. it was worth the hell i put myself through in my mind every now and then, and it was worth all the energy i've spent convincing myself that i could make do with this arrangement.

i couldn't. not now, not ever.

i slept over it. i remembered what you said to me before you left, and immediately felt disgusted by myself for even considering your presence in my life.

"just get over me, please get over me."

i'm sure you meant nothing by it, but that was such an arrogant comment to make. so awfully presumptuous. you made it sound like i was helplessly infatuated with you with no way of getting out. like i had fallen into a deep pit of obsession that i couldn't make out of. i've explained it to you so many times - i just need time. i had been getting over you, but every time i would be close to being done, you would pop up out of nowhere for your selfish reasons.

all of your actions have been nothing short of contradictory. how can a person's entire existence be nothing but a paradox, conflicting with everything he says and does? one minute you say you feel a certain way, and then the very next minute you backtrack and do a full 180. i lost hold of what the truth is with you. the lines became too blurry for me to try and keep track. i dealt with the discomfort because i liked you and wanted to be around you. now i realise that i was only hurting myself to keep someone who couldn't care less if i lived or died.

-

the sleeping pills truly are magic. they keep my emotions at bay and allow me to process them in microdoses. i don't have to overwhelm myself with a thousand things at once. i thought that once you were gone, i'd be a sobbing mess and it would take me forever to get over this. not really. i don't even think about you anymore. the indifference is scary to me, because you did hold significance in my life not even a week ago. now you've just faded into nothingness.

# there's a little more that i want to say about this. i have like 3 different pieces i am writing at the same time, but it might take a little longer than expected as i try to balance work and life with this dampened state of existence. damn you sleeping pills.

cute sunset in canberra!