Days Go By

# Deleted the COBRA part of the title.

// Titled after Megan Thee Stallion's new song, Cobra.

So many things have happened since I last wrote a word that I'm not sure if I'm living the same life anymore.

• I started a new role at my university.
• Met some amazing people that I've befriended.
• Figured out some things with my degrees that I was super stressed about.
• Applied to new things which seem to be working out (hello director).
• Guarding my life - choosing who to allow in and who to keep at a distance.
• Learning to be myself.

I feel like I'm getting back a version of myself that I used to know in high school. She was fucking wild - hard working, passionate, inspiring, compassionate, empathetic, energetic, cheerful - any good word you can think of, you could probably use it to describe her. Only things that she wasn't very good at were being true to herself and setting boundaries. People-pleasing went crazy, but it wasn't something to worry about too much. She was crushing it.

And then somewhere along the way, she... died? I'm not sure what happened, but I changed and suddenly I wasn't that person anymore. I was scared and afraid of everything. What if they didn't like me? What if I said the wrong thing? Am I even supposed to be here? Do I belong?

I was constantly burned out and barely had the energy to do anything. I was hardly eating, and most of my time was being spent staring at the ceiling, thinking about my life and dissociating because of how overwhelming it was to deal with everything. It resulted in some mishaps, including failing a course (and never telling my parents about it).

Something that I always wanted to do was reinvent myself. When I was in high school, I didn't really fit in with my cohort at all. People held these views about me that couldn't be further from the truth - they thought I was snobby, obnoxious and arrogant because I barely spoke and did well in class. I was just scared of saying anything at all, because I didn't want to come across as a know-it-all or not be liked, but that happened anyway, didn't it? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

High school, man. What a fucking rollercoaster.

So I kind of said fuck it and stopped bothering myself. I wasn't concerned with being liked by these people anymore; I had other goals and things that I wanted to focus on. The things that mattered were intact, and that's all I really cared about at that point. I met people, but those relationships were fickle, and it broke my heart every time I realised that my people didn't view me the way I viewed them, so over time, I learned how to live with that, too. It also ended up teaching me how to never give people too much space in your life. All they do is take.

Then I graduated and led my own team at work. That helped quite a lot, and I was happy, but this desire to reinvent myself never really went away. I still wasn't very happy with how my life was going, not at all. I didn't like being walked all over and never being able to voice my thoughts. I was a very non-confrontational person, and people took that to mean that they could pull whatever shit they could on me and I'd never say a word. I didn't like that.

The thing with reinventing yourself is that it's easier said than done. It happens in stages, and most of the time you won't even notice that it's happening. I spent a long time feeling stuck even when I was growing, because I wasn't where I wanted to be, and wasn't the person I had hoped to be. I beat myself up and brought myself down, and was overly self-critical, when I should've been kinder and more patient with myself. I showed other people the love that I should've shown myself.

Over this past year, I've been through so many changes that I feel like I've lived through several lives. I've been pushed to the ground and I picked myself back up. I've been battered and I iced those injuries. I've been broken and I glued myself back together. There were many moments when I thought I was going to kill myself, but I'm still here. Alive. Breathing. Thriving.

And slowly I can feel myself finding myself back. The energy is different and the chaos that is my life feels like order. It's been a whirlwind of a year, but what used to feel like a curse is turning into a blessing.

I literally go to uni to find bathrooms to take selfies in.

I just came back from a dinner with a bunch of people I've never met in my life, and I had the loveliest time. I am friends with people I wouldn't have ever even dared to speak to in a past life. I invest my time and energy into hobbies that I never thought were for me, but turns out you don't actually have to be an expert in everything you do. You can just do things for fun. It's fine as long as it makes you happy.

I know people think manifestation is a lot of bullshit, and I'm pretty sure it is, but I'm living the life that I wanted a year ago. I told myself that I was going to make it happen, and I worked really fucking hard to make that dream come to life. We're not where we want to be, yet, but we're getting really fucking close, and I could not be prouder of myself.

I've been through a lot of shit this year, including being on the verge of homelessness and also losing my scholarship. I'm not even going to bother mentioning the men in my life, because I've written extensively about it. There's been a lot that I navigated all by myself in silence, and more things continue to be thrown in my direction that I continue to deal with.

So this one's for me. I know I'm going to have bad days, and I'll come back here to lament about it, and that's okay. Shit happens, but the point is -

I'm proud of me. I'm excited for me. I'm ecstatic for me.

People like me, but what matters more is that I like myself.

Empathy, confidence, introspection, depth, accountability, leadership, charisma, passion - there's nothing that I lack. I could keep the list going.

I really deserve the world. I feel alive again. After a long time.

Good things are coming.

-

I lied when I said that I wanted to lead a non-communicative and emotionally isolated life. Nothing gives me more joy than sharing my happiness with the world. A balance can be found. I want people to know me and I want to know people. That's all we have in the end, anyway.

May kindness and love be in everything I do. Here's to a beautiful year ahead. 21 is good.